Hare Krishna
PAMHO, AGTSP
I was seeking initiation from HH Gopal Krishna Goswami Maharaj, but he passed away last year. Now, I seek initiation from HH Bhakti Ashray Vaishnav Swami Maharaj.
I am regularly going to ISKCON Dwarka in Delhi.
I am also doing 16 rounds since last 5 years.
I am also attending Bhagawatam class online every day since last 5 years without fail (well almost). I am also managing the class now, coordinating book reading, hosting, making daily program presentation and weekly inviting speakers.
In the Deeksha process, the ISKCON Dwarka Management introduced below exams: -
1. Shradhavan
2. Krishna Sewak
3. Krishna Sadhak
4. Prabhupad Ashray
5. Gurupad Ashray
The exam process was so lenghy that it took almost 1 and half years to complete.
Now the temple took an interview before recommending me for deeksha, and said that you do online Bhagawatam, Dhritrashtra also did that.
They say you spend atleast one day in temple and serve there.
I do temple services sometimes, but mostly in trips and during festivals such as Janmashtami, we do book distribution, VIP Reception, Crowd Control etc.
Now Temple management is not impressed at all with Bhagawatam and insists to spend time in temple and read more Prabhupad Books.
For deeksha, they say come again after six months.
This has shattered me from within. I am feeling angry at small things. Twice I went to a 'liquor shop' but I realized I don't drink.
My body weight also has increased to 108 KG (height is 5 feet 7).
I feel totally lost and disgusted.
Please guide me and help me.
Replies
Hare Krsna
I am regularly going to ISKCON Dwarka in Delhi. I am also doing 16 rounds since last 5 years. I am also attending Bhagawatam class online every day since last 5 years without fail (well almost). I am also managing the class now, coordinating book reading, hosting, making daily program presentation and weekly inviting speakers.
These are extraordinary commitments towards Krsna consciousness.
All activities in Krsna consciousness/ bhakti may be divided broadly into 2 categories. - Bhagavata Vidhi and Pancharatra Vidhi
Bhagavata Vidhi : Includes Reading scriptures, hearing Krsna katha/ Kirtan, reciting Krsna katha/kirtan, Japa, discussion, writing books, creating content, book distribution etc
Pancharatra Vidhi: Includes services to deities like worship , offering, dressing, cooking etc. Services in temple like cleaning, decoration, construction, festival arrnagements, prasad distribution, etc
Srila Prabhupada has recommended that both Bhagavata Vidhi and Pancharatra Vidhi should go parallelly hand-in-in hand at individual level and at community/ temple level. One completes the other.
From what you have written, it seems that you have great eagerness for Bhagavata Vidhi, which is very exemplary.
Now Temple management is not impressed at all with Bhagawatam and insists to spend time in temple and read more Prabhupad Books. For deeksha, they say come again after six months.
Since you mentioned coordinating book reading, I assume you also do book reading. If that is the case, you should clearly inform the set of books you have completed reading to the concerned decision makers.
It seems that they also want you to take up some services in Pacharatra vidhi or temple services. This is a reasonable request since pancharatra services provides stability and commitment for a devotee at personal level also.
Please guide me and help me.
First is that you need clearly ask them for complete criteria for initiation. There should be no surprises for/from either you or them.
Is temple services a strict criteria for initation? If so, what services, how much services, who will be the in-charge who will give you those services and will monitor the same.
With this you can evaluate yourself if it is even feasible for you to adhere to the same. If you are unable to adhere, then please express to them and tell how much you will be able to do. In any case,please come to an agreement with them of how much and what services you need to do, and who will monitor the same. If I was in your place, I would go and inform that in-charge every week that prabhu/mataji I have performed these services in the temple in the last week. So they are aware of the same.
If you have to increase temple services you may have to reduce on some other things like hearing SB everyday, please clarify the same with them. As far as I know attend SB lecture everyday is not a requirement for initiation. Whatever it is , clarify the same and try to follow the same as much as possible.
I feel totally lost and disgusted.
I understand the disappointment, but there is no reason to be lost or disgusted. Because initiation is not a trophy that you win. Initiation is a personal commitment to guru and parampara that you will serve Sri Krsna. Initiation is a personal connection with guru & Sri Krsna. See this as a test that Sri Krsna and Guru are putting you in. You will fail the test by going to liquor shop.
Srila Prabhupada says he accepted Srila Bhaktisiddhanta Saraswati Thakur as his spiritual master the first day he met in 1922. Srila Prabhupada actually got initated after 10-11 years. Was Srila Prabhupada lost or disgusted by delay in initiation ? Not at all. In his own heart he was faithfully serving his spiritual master even before initiation.
So get clarification form concerned decision makers, and continue to serve guru, Prabhupada and Sri Krsna. This service to them is an individual's Spiritual wealth.
Srila Bhakivinod thakur writes - Seva sukha dukha parama sampada
Accumulate that wealth as much as possible. Initiation or No initiation, nobody can take away that wealth from you. But eventually by Krsna's mercy and willingness, things will happen, just as it did in life of Srila Prabhupada.
Hare Krsna
Hare krsna prabhu,
Just visit vrindavan, pray to radha rani , speak with devotees in vrindavan and then think of diksha...
Hare Krishna,
Hmm.. I may sound harsh to you.. but let me be frank.
"This has shattered me from within. I am feeling angry at small things. Twice I went to a 'liquor shop' but I realized I don't drink.''
Do you think you are ready really ready for initiation?
One who is reading Bhagawatam daily since 4-5 yrs... who still has not got any control on anger and one who whenever gets disgusted... with life runs to liquor shop.. ( well..the vasana is supressed) you could stop from drinking.. but you went to liquor shop.. that means you still have that urge to go whenever disgusted or angered.
If I am angry or disgusted in life.. I run to Lord's feet and hold those feet and cry to Lord.. I don't run to liquor shop. If I am frustrated and nothing is going as per my plan... I take that as Plan of KRISHNA. I tell Krishna.. I sincerely worked for it. Please see that I get accepted Lord. Then I also go to the my aacharya from whom you I want to take diksha from and stand in front of His house and eat nothing.. until he agrees to accept me. I will daily give him a flower and please him and I will also try doing small small services like giving him water and serving even doing smallest seva like lifting the ( pattal) his eaten plate and washing it. and do all sorts of seva and win his heart. This is how I will show that I am das anu dasa and I will also try to impress his shishya as well. Finally one day he will shower mercy that is what is guru bhakti .. aapne woh sab karna chahiye tha!! Guru ki seva sab se important hota hai..
You may have the book 10 times or you may have done other activities..like doing japa 16 rounds etc etc. but then you have no guru bhakti or vaishanava preeti.
Well... after so much of japa daily 16 rounds for the past 5 yrs. you still ran to liqour shop as soon as small negative thing happened to you. That means you are not ready.
I am sounding so harsh na.. sorry .. But why would anyone run to liqour shop which you stopped 5 yrs back.
That means you supressed the liqour habit for obtaining diksha. But kya pata kal ko diskha mil jaaye aur tumhare office mein ya fir koi aur pareshaani aajaye.. tum rules and regulations break kar doge tho? ab liquor shop ke entrance tak gaye.. kya pata.. next time woh control bhi thod denge kanha ji .. Because Krishna is TRICKY. >. He wants to make you perfect He will surely test you time and again.. Tab kya hoga?
If something untoward happens and some disagreement in life or some frustration araise back.. you can run back to liquor shop anytime. Ab toh rok liya.. bas lekin.. just for the sake of diksha.
ek devotee jo hota hai.. woh kisi bhi sankat ya vippatti aate hi..Sri Krishna ke aashray mein hi jaayega.. SIRF SRI KRISHNA KE AASHRAY mein na ki .. ran to liquor shop.
That makes you not ready yet for diksha. THIS WAS TEST GIVEN TO YOU BY SRI KRISHNA ..TO WAIT HAVE PATIENCE. One must develop patience and should control anger and kisi bhi paristhiti mein vichalit na hote hue sirf aur srif Krishna par aadharit rahe.
One time it so happened that :-
One day Raghunatha dasa left home and went to meet Sri Chaitanya Mahaprabhu. “I want to join You,” he told the Lord. But Chaitanya Mahaprabhu replied, “No. Don’t act like a crazy fellow. You should return home and be a good son, an expert businessman, and a proper husband, and then, when the time comes, the Lord Himself will arrange for you to become free from the bondage of family life.”
Lord Chaitanya used the term markata-vairagya. Markata means “monkey,” and vairagya means “renunciation.” Monkeys appear to be very renounced, because they live in the jungle, have no clothes or possessions, and eat only fruits and berries. But each monkey has two dozen girlfriends. Sri Chaitanya Mahaprabhu was instructing Raghunatha dasa, “Don’t be a monkey renunciant, making a show of renunciation when you still have material desires. Return home and act outwardly as an ordinary young man. And inwardly, develop your Krishna consciousness. Be detached internally and perform your external duties.”
So, on Sri Chaitanya Mahaprabhu’s order Raghunatha dasa returned home. But within his heart he wanted to join Mahaprabhu. Raghunatha dasa’s parents were very worried that Raghunatha dasa, their only son, might leave home. So they kept guards at the gate to make sure he did not run away. One day Raghunatha dasa got the idea to meet Nityananda Prabhu at Panihati. Once there, being extremely humble, he offered his obeisances from a distance. Lord Nityananda, being very merciful and humorous, said to Raghunatha, “You are just like a thief, staying at a distance. But now that I have captured you, I will punish you. You must make a festival for My associates and Me and feed us all chipped rice, yogurt, bananas, and milk.”
Raghunatha dasa bought all the cida (chipped rice), dadhi (yogurt), dugdha (milk), and fruits and sweets that were available in the market. Preparations were made using chipped rice, yogurt, milk, sugar, and bananas, and there were mangoes, sweets, and other items. Nityananda Prabhu and all the other devotees were very pleased.
When merchants heard about the festival, they came to Panihati to sell their goods. Raghunatha dasa would buy all their dadhi, dugdha, bananas, and other items, make them sit down, and feed them the same items he had just purchased. Soon there were so many people that there was no place to sit. People began to sit on the bank of the Ganges, and when all of the space by the Ganges was occupied, they stood in the water of the Ganges and ate their cida-dadhi. At the end of the festival, Nityananda Prabhu was so pleased with Raghunatha dasa that He gave him a blessing.
---.........itte bad Raghunatha das goswami ji ko Sri Chaitanaya Mahaprabhu ne 2 baar reject kia .. 3rd time he went to Nitaai ... after he got blessing from nitaai... he got the diskha from Sri Chaitanaya Mahaprabhu ji.
Everything has a time.. Maybe your time has not yet come. You may need to learn some more lessons.. Krishna put a halt to that process momentarily!!!
Its okay.. If I were you I will go to that guru maharaj and do his service and win his heart thereby Krishna gets pleased also.
Btw... Krishna is pleased only when we do Vaishnava seva.
Vaishnava ninda will take you far far away from Krishna to the liquor shop door step.
Take care.
There is time for you diksha.. you need to fix some small small errors in you before you become a servant of servant.
Hare Krishna
Hare Krsna Varun Prabhu
Your ideal weight should be between 75-80 kgs. Try and reduce your weight so that you can give more time to Krsna conscious activities in the long run. You need to do more cardio and reduce your diet. That could take 6 months or even one year if you are sincere.
I have heard HH Bhakti Asraya Vaisnava Swami ji Maharaja only once. On that occassion he chose to speak out of the purview of the books of Srila Prabhupada. So my suggestion to you is continue with reading the Bhagavatam and please start exercising.
Hari bol