My marriage was a trap. What should I do now?

Hare Krishna.  

I got married two years ago to an Indian girl and 90 days later, I called her workplace only to find out that she wasn't even scheduled to work.  She used to work the night shift.  It went downhill from here because it turned she had been doing this numerous times since we got married.  She was previously divorced and out of good will, our family didn't let that cloud our judgment and accepted her.  I treated her with red carpet however after marriage, it was like she was a different person.  She picked on me for my sleeping style and why I had my back to her while sleeping.  If we had an argument, she made me realize that our marriage was on the rocks.  I looked at these situations as growth in a marriage, not that our marriage was on the rocks.  

After I caught her, she tried to tell me that she was on the verge of losing her job and that is why she would leave home every night because she wanted me to think of her as a good wife who didn't want to pressure her husband with her problems.  I didn't buy that because she herself admitted that she had done this to me numerous times.  I filed for divorce.  She was furious because I went to the same lawyer that had prosecuted her during the 1st divorce and yes, I did it to prove to her what it feels like to betray someone's trust.  She had told me about her 1st divorce attorney and yes, I am ashamed to say that I used that info against her.  She sent me emails during the divorce saying how dare I broke her trust like that.  The attorney's told me to pack up her belongings in boxes and get ready to ship to her house.  Before we could, she showed up at my door, called the cops on me because I wouldn't let her in the house.  She tried to use the state community property law against me saying it was her residence when it was my house.  She was angry that I had the boxes packed. She said she came to talk things over but then right in front of the cop, she tells me "Oh come on, these things happen in a marriage.  Get over it."  That truly broke my heart.  At this point, I didn't want to patch things up anymore.  Right there  in front of the cops, she demanded the gifts she had given me during marriage and I even gave the wedding ring back.  She never gave me hers and I didn't want it.

Sorry to bore all of you with the details but I felt you should know the background.  I came from a spiritual family and before marriage, I found out that she acted like a homely and spiritual girl just to enter my life.  During the divorce, people from her past found out about me and contacted me and told me that in her first marriage, she had physical relations with other men.  They told me that I was trapped because this woman is a liar and traps guys like me.  She married the first husband for the greencard and literally abused her in-laws to the point where the boy's mother now has a pacemaker because of her.  One of the guy's she had an affair with contacted me directly and told me that I need to leave her.  He told me how she had an affair with him and even ruined his marriage and even called the cops on him.  It turns out she has no empathy and was a "gold digger" and sociopath.  I didn't even know what sociopath meant and then the more I found out about her past, the more I realized that divorcing her was the right thing.

As a devotee, I got married in mandir.  She was a different religion and she agreed to live by hindu dharma when I first met her.  It turned out she acted the whole thing.  Even her family acted with her.  This is what they do, I guess.  My dad took this to heart because I am an only son and he lost strength in both his legs and is now disabled.  He cannot walk and is now in a nursing home.  We visit him weekly.  My mom took it to heart as well, had three accidents that year and now lost her job due to the stress.  Her life savings are lost in the medical bills.

I married this girl because she was beautiful and all she enjoyed was sex.  She presented herself as a family oriented girl and I thought was a lucky guy who was getting a homely girl who was also modern at the same time.  I was not Krishna Conscious when I married her and I know now that I should have never married a divorced girl because spiritually, she still was connected with the first husband.  I grew up in a loving family where my mom raised me spiritually by taking me to temple.  Every morning for the last 30 years, I prayed before going to work and even now, we live everyday by watching the "Little Krishna" animation movie every day.  My mom and I talk about that animation movie like Krishna is in the room with us. We admire Krishna's cuteness and his beautiful naughty pranks.  

Where I need your help is the following:  Should I live alone for the rest of my life and dedicate it to Krishna or should I find a life partner?  There are times when I find loneliness bothers me and I would prefer to be with a nice Krishna Conscious girl.  But I also know I don't want kids now.  I don't want to bring kids in this world.  I am confused as to what I should do.  I tried American dating sites however that is not for me.  I now realize that I love Krishna so much that I don't want to be a part of this material world and go to baseball games or travel etc.  I want to live in peace.  Can someone please guide me?  

You need to be a member of ISKCON Desire Tree | IDT to add comments!

Join ISKCON Desire Tree | IDT

Email me when people reply –


    • Hare Krsna Devi Rashmi,

      Thank you for the wonderful message.  Your message was very helpful to me.  I also like your wish list suggestion.  

      I am the same way:  vegetarian all my life, never smoked, never drank and I never dated until my marriage either.  I kept myself for one woman and I always prayed that only my wife would  be the one person with whom God will complete all my inner desires.  :)  I think this is why my healing is so painful.  At first, I could not understand why Krsna would punish me for living a simple and noble life.  After reading Bhagavad Gita and becoming Krsna Conscious, I realize now that I have to face the consequences of my bad karma from my previous life.  It is so hard though.  All I wanted was a simple married life.  It is silly and I know you'll laugh but when my parents moved to America decades ago, their friends betrayed them and to ensure that I still stay spiritual and cultured, they always showed me family oriented movies while growing up to keep me sheltered from the world contamination.  I was very young then.  I used to watch old hindi movies that were family movies from 70's and 80's (like Purab or Paschiim, Khoobsoorat) and I always pictured a simple family life as shown in these family movies. These movies had a good message about family and spirituality in them and that is why I liked them.  I know it is stupid of me to reference movies however it helped me stay spiritual at that phase of my life.  However, I feel like I have now destroyed that dream.  I lived a life of simplicity and is it all a waste now?   When my friends went to clubs, I came home to sit with my elders or my parents.  Now in the past years, life took away my friends and made me lonely and it keeps getting worse. I just stay home now, get up every morning, pray, go to work, help people with tech stuff after work and do tech projects on weekends.  I rarely leave home.  I feel at peace like this.  I don't know why.  We have a small Krsna mandir in the house and I feel contempt.  I feel contaminated when I leave home.  If I go to the mall, I see contamination when people are shopping like crazy.  I don't look down on these people, just feel sorry for them and I feel like I don't belong in this world because I can't relate to them anymore.  :)  I know it is a test and I ask Krsna for guidance.  

      I think you're right though.  It take a long time and if I ever find another partner to remarry, I pray that I can live a life for Krsna and devotional service.  No kids, etc.

      I have recently started praying to Krsna to please heal my broken heart.  My heart is so broken that it comes out in frustration towards my family members at times and I dislike myself for that.  I have a hard time trusting people.  When I am nice to strangers and they walk all over me,  I then ask Krsna, why was I nice to them?  Should I be rude to them and not tolerate demons?  But I bite my tongue and I just tolerate.  Gita says to tolerate.  The book "KRSNA" has a statement that says something like:  when a demoniac person hurts the brahmans and devotees, then KRSNA takes away their beauty, wealth and knowledge and KRSNA treats that as His insult.    Therefore, I trust this line and I keep my mouth shut.  I hope that is the right thing to do.  Gita says to treat a brahman and a dog-eater the same but I struggle with this on a daily basis.  I pray every day and I know it will get better but like you said, I also know that it will take time.  

      I cannot thank you enough Devi Rashmi for the time you took to read my life story and then guiding me in this journey.  I am thankful to Krsna for giving me the company of devotees like yourself.  I will continue my sadhana and wait for Krsna to turn things around for the better.


      • E-Counselor

        Hare Krsna Prabhuji,


        I dont know about your sadhana. Please chant 16 rounds of mahamantra everyday without fail, eat food offered to Krsna and follow all the 4 regulative principles. Use your free time to read philosophy - Bhagawad Gita, Srimad Bhagawatam, Chaitanya Charitamrta. Watch on youtube videos related to Krsna Consciousness. Immerse yourself in KC, you will feel contentment.

        From what you have mentioend above, you are a loner. It is very difficult for a loner to find a mate, after whatever has already happened with you. Plus you have to learn how to trust people all over again. Please associate with devotees of your local ISKCON temple. Increaase your visits and involvement in the temple. There are chances that someone may be there in the temple congregation itself who will marry you. It is better than visiting a mall for sure.

        You are insulated from the society - unfortunately, life is not a movie. The difficulties faced by us are normally inconceivable by us. We have to have faith - Krsna never gives us a battle without giving us the equipment to fight it. Have faith and persevere. Whatever is best for you will happen in your life.


        YOUr servant,



        • Hare Krishna Devi Rashmi,

          Thanks again.   Yeah, the more I read these responses, the more I am determined not to remarry. 

          Also, I should clarify that I didn't say life is a movie.  My apologies if it came out that way.  Under the circumstances, it was a mere tool to keep me grounded in spiritual life.  

          Your humble servant,

          Hari Bol

  • Volunteer

    Krsna Devotee Prabhu,

    Firstly, You could try Your best to keep Your first wife and do not go for divorce. But it already happened but You may still have desire for family life. And You may be still young, You may have parents who need Your care.

    Remaining unmarried does not mean one will be working, earning money at the same time get attracted to other women. If we cant control that urge then better to remarry again and never go for divorce again no matter what.

    I heard stories of how somewhere in some western countries couples get married later get divorced and exchange with their wives that is animalistic society.

    So please be sincere with Yourself! If You want still family life then get married to a girl may not be so beautiful but homely and take care of her.

    Your servant,

    • From the book "Obstacles on the path of devotional service" by Satsvarupa dasa Goswami-page 27 it states:

      Unmarried ladies who aspire for celibacy are encouraged by several verses in the Srimad Bhagavatam, Fifth canto, spoken by Laksmi-devi. She advises all women to accept only Krsna as their husband, otherwise one will have to accept a creature made of flesh,blood, mustaches,stool and urine, a so-called husband who cannot offer his wife any ultimate protection.

  • Volunteer

    Hare Krishna dear Devotees,

    Please accept my humble obeisances! All glories to Srila Prabhupada!

    Ideally, person is recommended to have only one marriage and no divorce at all.

    If i was in Your case then i would forget about remarrying again. Don't see much meaning in changing one partner into another.

    I would accept my destiny as it is. Start doing career, reside near by the Temple, and whatever i earn use in the service of Krishna and others. If i liked kids then i would take care of Krishna Consciousness of other kids...

    I love cows so i would use my money in protecting them...

    So wouldn't try again deal with family life.

    Nice that You didn't have a kid from that low quality woman otherwise Your suffering would be doubled.

    Even if i had kids just for the sake of their safety from other man i wouldn't remarry again but rise them myself. Be it very tuft.

    I have a friend who is 22 years old young lady. Her father died when she was 4. So her beautiful mother never ever married again. Firstly, she was concerned about her safety "what if she marries another man and later step father becomes lusty for a kid when she grows up etc"

    Besides that she just wanted to live moral life.

    30-32 years past so fast. Another 30 years will past in the same speed. So seems there is no need for trying to find for some Romeo Juliet relationships in this world. Because they don't exist!

    But You are in male body. So for You it would be easy even to do job and live celibate life or even dedicate Your full life being a vanaprastha...but always be in the association of right Devotees.

    But still if You feel You want a wife, that You are afraid of fall down or fast renunciation and if You have desire to take care of a Devotee girl then You could get married again.

    But knowing that next wife may not be so beautiful but homely or even age is elder to You because You are saying You don't want kids.

    Only girls over 35 may not desire to have a kid others will want them.

    There are girls around 32-35 whom i know who still want to get married. Homely and all. But the problem is - are You READY for such options???

    Because non married and young girls won't desire to get married to a divorced man, only rare ones will accept.

    Prabhu, i know i hurt Your feelings so i beg forgiveness!

    Your servant,

    • Hello mataji! I know that this is very off topic from the question. But something took my attention and I wanted to ask you further about it. 

      You stated the below:

      But You are in male body. So for You it would be easy even to do job and live celibate life or even dedicate Your full life being a vanaprastha...but always be in the association of right Devotees.

      My question is that is it hard for females to stay as celibate? if so why? I can understand that females cant live in a forest or alone in a solitude place due to the high crime rates on women; but could you please do me the favor to explain how celibacy depends on gender? 

      Most fallen


      • Volunteer

        my humble obeisances dear Meera Mataji,

        Better if girl is married and protected by her husband. Otherwise she will have to go out and mingle around so many men, get exploited by them...

        I gave an example of widowed lady. So her life was not so easy. She had to work to maintain the child. Because she was a single woman many people exploited her, cheated her. In the sense she used to collect money and buy a home so sellers of home cheated her and took her own home from her hand. She does not have anyone to protect her.

        She has property but her own relatives are not giving it to her...because she is a lonely weak lady.

        Now she rents a room in crazy city like Mumbai. Does job from morning till her health is also not well what to speak of her mental stresses ...

        So this sense of security is very needed for girls. If woman has a husband people will respect her otherwise no, they will want to exploit her.

        Of course she could not marry again, so her fate was sad. But for a young girl it is better if she gets married on time and live under the protection of her husband.

        In the reality if she gets married and follows her husband she will progress better. She will feel secure so she will be able to manifest her feminine qualities.

        Plus having kids and taking care of kids cultivates in woman very good qualities. She will become less selfish, more care taking...kindness, by such sacrifices her heart becomes soft all are good for her spiritual life also.

        If You notice woman with kids have a softer heart to others rather than a woman with no kids. It is because she gained all qualities by taking care of her kids.

        Summary: because we are weaker we get exploited.

        Woman can't work hard and make money continuously; there are days when she is physically weak so her body is not meant for going out and doing big big jobs as men do. 

        If she does that she will lose her beauty, health, life span...and of course is never satisfied.

        Your servant,

    • Hare Krishna.  Thank you Mataji Maral. You did not hurt my feelings at all.  I am thankful to Krishna that you responded to my post so quickly and your answer was very loving.  I agree with everything you said.  I have already started focusing on career related stuff and every day, I pray to Krishna to help me and like Srila Prabhupada said in one of this teachings, I will try to sacrifice this life and dedicate it to Krishna.  

      I always believed that marriage only happens once and I was happy to read that you said the same.

      Thank you again Mataji Maral.  All of you on this website are wonderful devotees. 

  • Hare Krishna,

    By seeing your post, I feel that you are just a victim of circumstances and you have done the right thing. I understand how it feels to be betrayed. Its obvious that it would be very hard for you to regain that trust on some other girl. What I suggest is, better stop looking for a girl right now. Please take some time and concentrate more on your Krishna consciousness. Read the bhagavad gita. That way you could be at peace. Also explain your parents that you need some time and doesn't want to get into another marriage right now. I am sure that your parents would understand. Have faith in the lord and He will show you the way for sure.



This reply was deleted.