My marriage was a trap. What should I do now?

Hare Krishna.  

I got married two years ago to an Indian girl and 90 days later, I called her workplace only to find out that she wasn't even scheduled to work.  She used to work the night shift.  It went downhill from here because it turned she had been doing this numerous times since we got married.  She was previously divorced and out of good will, our family didn't let that cloud our judgment and accepted her.  I treated her with red carpet however after marriage, it was like she was a different person.  She picked on me for my sleeping style and why I had my back to her while sleeping.  If we had an argument, she made me realize that our marriage was on the rocks.  I looked at these situations as growth in a marriage, not that our marriage was on the rocks.  

After I caught her, she tried to tell me that she was on the verge of losing her job and that is why she would leave home every night because she wanted me to think of her as a good wife who didn't want to pressure her husband with her problems.  I didn't buy that because she herself admitted that she had done this to me numerous times.  I filed for divorce.  She was furious because I went to the same lawyer that had prosecuted her during the 1st divorce and yes, I did it to prove to her what it feels like to betray someone's trust.  She had told me about her 1st divorce attorney and yes, I am ashamed to say that I used that info against her.  She sent me emails during the divorce saying how dare I broke her trust like that.  The attorney's told me to pack up her belongings in boxes and get ready to ship to her house.  Before we could, she showed up at my door, called the cops on me because I wouldn't let her in the house.  She tried to use the state community property law against me saying it was her residence when it was my house.  She was angry that I had the boxes packed. She said she came to talk things over but then right in front of the cop, she tells me "Oh come on, these things happen in a marriage.  Get over it."  That truly broke my heart.  At this point, I didn't want to patch things up anymore.  Right there  in front of the cops, she demanded the gifts she had given me during marriage and I even gave the wedding ring back.  She never gave me hers and I didn't want it.

Sorry to bore all of you with the details but I felt you should know the background.  I came from a spiritual family and before marriage, I found out that she acted like a homely and spiritual girl just to enter my life.  During the divorce, people from her past found out about me and contacted me and told me that in her first marriage, she had physical relations with other men.  They told me that I was trapped because this woman is a liar and traps guys like me.  She married the first husband for the greencard and literally abused her in-laws to the point where the boy's mother now has a pacemaker because of her.  One of the guy's she had an affair with contacted me directly and told me that I need to leave her.  He told me how she had an affair with him and even ruined his marriage and even called the cops on him.  It turns out she has no empathy and was a "gold digger" and sociopath.  I didn't even know what sociopath meant and then the more I found out about her past, the more I realized that divorcing her was the right thing.

As a devotee, I got married in mandir.  She was a different religion and she agreed to live by hindu dharma when I first met her.  It turned out she acted the whole thing.  Even her family acted with her.  This is what they do, I guess.  My dad took this to heart because I am an only son and he lost strength in both his legs and is now disabled.  He cannot walk and is now in a nursing home.  We visit him weekly.  My mom took it to heart as well, had three accidents that year and now lost her job due to the stress.  Her life savings are lost in the medical bills.

I married this girl because she was beautiful and all she enjoyed was sex.  She presented herself as a family oriented girl and I thought was a lucky guy who was getting a homely girl who was also modern at the same time.  I was not Krishna Conscious when I married her and I know now that I should have never married a divorced girl because spiritually, she still was connected with the first husband.  I grew up in a loving family where my mom raised me spiritually by taking me to temple.  Every morning for the last 30 years, I prayed before going to work and even now, we live everyday by watching the "Little Krishna" animation movie every day.  My mom and I talk about that animation movie like Krishna is in the room with us. We admire Krishna's cuteness and his beautiful naughty pranks.  

Where I need your help is the following:  Should I live alone for the rest of my life and dedicate it to Krishna or should I find a life partner?  There are times when I find loneliness bothers me and I would prefer to be with a nice Krishna Conscious girl.  But I also know I don't want kids now.  I don't want to bring kids in this world.  I am confused as to what I should do.  I tried American dating sites however that is not for me.  I now realize that I love Krishna so much that I don't want to be a part of this material world and go to baseball games or travel etc.  I want to live in peace.  Can someone please guide me?  

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  • Hare Krsna your story is painful but your learning from this story is also painful when you said you should not have married a divorced girl. You can not judge anyone with their relationship status instead you should investigate about the person before taking such a big decision in your life.
    • hare krishna but i feel we should never judge from listening one side of the Story , I always feel we cannot give advise on such forum instead ask senior devotees who know both side can advise in person

  • HARE KRISHNA PRABHUJI Really sorry to hear your story but i think keep moving is a solution in life .This time try to find a girl with verified background and details ,if possible look for a girl in your known circle(relatives ,close friends etc).Here i want to quote that family /marriage is a trap but all are not lucky to avoid so its better to fall a victim but always engage oneself in KC .

    KRISHNA is the only rescuer.



  • Hare Krishna,


    ur story pains me alot., 

    please marry another woman, for the sake of ur parents and family(in telugu and any other language it is said as VAMSHAM). Because think once ur parents didnt give u birth for the sake that u hav to end ur family. of course u cannot forget the past as easy., so to remove all this things marry aa very pooor woman., gift her KRISHNA CONSCIOUSNESS.

    And one more thing Teach ur ex-wife a BIG LESSON, that she should not have any more material life {set every one around her, a Krishna Prabhujis or mathajis teach her everyday everysecond every moment a LESSON. First say then Bang her (thats not a big sin according to Geetha) dont leave her., if you leave then you are not doing service to Krishna.} . May be god put her into ur hands, to teach her Krishna Consciousness, and u r not doing that duty. Why u r not doing that service of Krishna.  Remember not only chanting is a service., this also a service. 

    dedicate ur first marriage to Krishna he will look after. 

    Prefer ur parents and gift them a new daughter-in-law., present ur new wife, a gift of Krishna Consciousness. Dont Forget teaching ur ex-wife., thats only the sin  u did(if). 

    Jai Shreee Hare Krishna

  • Volunteer

    So far as your getting yourself married, I have no objection provided you
    agree to some points. First of all you must promise that you will not
    separate under any circumstances. This marriage is serious business and not
    to be taken lightly. There is no question of separation in Krishna Conscious
    marriages. Therefore I am asking all those who want to be married that they
    sign one paper promising that there will be no separation. ... Then, if you
    are feeling able to handle the responsibilities of grhastha life, you can go
    ahead with the ceremony immediately and with my blessings.

    >>> Ref. VedaBase => Letter to: Madhukantha -- London 8 August, 1971

  • E-Counselor


    The other sites are; If I get more sites, I will tell you.

    Your servant,


  • E-Counselor

    Hare Krsna Prabhuji,


    I am very sorry to read your post. You have been used very badly by this lady. Good you divorced her. Infidelity is not to be tolerated, that too when the infidel partner is neither repentant nor is coming clean on what went wrong. When something goes fundamentally wrong in a marriage, then one has to take concrete steps to repair it - and those concrete steps have to be taken by both, esp the partner who has committed the infidelity.

    I know scriptures say that marraige is done only once and if it fails, then there should be no remarraige, but practically I can see a lot of (even devotee) couples who have remarried and are happy. Scriptures also say (or atleast I have heard this in ISKCON) that if one wants to remain single, then one should be a temple brahmachari. If one has family responsibilities, like parents to take care of, then one has to remain in family life. Staying in family life means getting married.

    Since you are having a spiritual bent, it would be a good idea to concentrate on your sadhana and also on your career right now, until you heal a little from the trauma you have gone through. Use this time to explore your heart and see what it is that you really want. Its better to be honest with Krsna about our heart's desires than to pretend or force ourselves mentally to accept an ideal situation.

    My guess is that you will arrive at marriage again and there is nothing wrong in that. You should approach the correct websites -;, not any American dating sites. There is one more thing which has started new - let me get details, I will tell you.

    Be very honest prabhu, list out what you want in your partner. Then bifurcate that list into what is needed and what is wish list - as in - from the needed list, if even one thing is not satisfied, then you dont marry this person. The wish list is something you will have to compromise on almost entirely. For example, for me, my needed list was - no smoking, no drinking, no non-veg. I was not willing to compromise on either of these three at all. That effectively shut out the outside world and even my parents started realising. My father had started to say - only a devotee can tolerate her (for the record, I come from a family which does not indulge in any of the 3 listed above, still finding someone in the modern world who does not do all 3 was becoming difficult).

    Next, be prepared - it could be a long wait - some people take forever to arrive at the correct person. I dont need to tell you - better to be safe than sorry. Match horoscopes as a first step for any proposal and only if it matches, take it forward.

    Its ok if you dont want kids and still want to marry - there are a lot of people like that. Then both you and your wife should focus on devotional service. Marry to serve Krsna with the help of a partner - what could be better prabhu.

    Best of luck,

    Better days are in store for you, I am sure. Just keep up your sadhana. Krsna will surely guide you.


    Your servant,




    • Volunteer

      still, i do not like the idea of remarriage.

      Just recently HH Jayadvaita Maharaj gave nice class on Marriage and family life at Sri Sri Radha Gopinath Temple. (please download here:

      One Prabhu asked a question about remarriage. If widowed woman can remarry. Maharaj told no. He gave examples of Kunti and Madri. When husband died Madri died with him but Kunti took care of five kids. No matter how it was difficult she didn't remarry again saying that she has so many kids. No. It was a principle.

      When Lord Chaitanya accepted a sannyas 18 years old still very young Vishnupriya was left alone with her mother in law. So she didn't remarry. From 18 years till her very old age she just lived life of worship to her Lord. No other husband. That was the principle.

      Of course it was the question about women not about man getting remarried. But probably both are quite similar.

      Now, about difficulties of family life:

      There was a brahmana who got lusty to a prostitute so wanted to enjoy her no matter he had a very chaste and care taking wife. So it was a difficulty for a wife. Maybe it was a devastating situation for her. But she was so chaste that she solved the problem. She didn't give the case for divorce but understood the weakness of her husband. 

      Later she started in hidden serve to that prostitute cleaning her house when she was not there. Later prostitute was told that this brahmani lady was doing all that work. She was shocked. She called and asked if why she was doing all that low works. Brahmani told that they don't have money but her husband wants to enjoy her....

      In this way husband came to his clear consciousness and understood his mistake....

      So this means marriage. So many challenges will come to check our strength and devotion to each other.

      So main problem of this age is people get married only because they fell in love with each others' looks. Later after marriage they see that they need not only looks but other qualities also.

      Wife for taking care of parents???

      But father is already in the house for old aged people :(

      And mostly in marriage life couples better if they have kids and live responsible life. Or dedicate their all activities in serving others. Like i know couples who voluntarily didn't have kids.

      So how they live?

      They work as doctors from morning till late nights and donate almost their 80% of salary for preaching purpose. So this means a family where there no kids.

      So Prabhu, even if You decide to get married again please bring back Your dad home and give Your mom full care so that she does not earn money anymore but dedicate her life for spiritual practices residing at home.

      Your servant,

      Leading Marriage Life Knowing Well Its Purpose
      2015-01-11 Srimad Bhagavatam 10.55.09-10 - Leading Marriage Life Knowing Well Its Purpose (download mp3) and (download mp4) by Jayadva...
      • Hare Krishna Mataji,

        Thank you again for your time.  My humble respects.  I am already taking care of my mother.  I tried to bring my father home but under the  medical circumstances, it wasn't possible.  I tried. 

        Ever since my divorce and ever since I read Bhagavad Gita, I was determined not to remarry and thanks to all of your responses, I will now live a life without marriage and for Krsna. 

        Hari Bol.  

        • Sounds great. Glad to hear that you are determined to not get married again. Sorry to hear that you are not able to bring your father home. That is very nice that you are taking good care of your mother.

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