----- Is the choice of our spouse predestined -----

 Answers by HH Romapada Swami


Is the choice of our spouse predestined by karma (are marriages made in “heaven”)? Is it predestined by God? Does my free-will have a role in such a choice?

If I like one person and am neutral towards another, how do I make a decision that is best? Should I simply surrender to God and let God decide - is such surrender cowardice or escapism? If God will make a decision, how does God decide in such situations - will God take my preferences into account?


At every step, freewill has a bearing upon one’s destiny. The range of choices in various situations of life, including marriage, is defined by Karma - both past and present (i.e. actions and choices made in past and present life), and yet there is scope for redefining those choices by our present actions.

Krishna does not directly involve Himself in arranging the details of karmic events in everyone’s life. As stated in the Gita (BG 9.9, BG 13.23) — including those who want material enjoyment — He is seated in their heart as though neutral, witnessing and permitting the soul’s material enjoyment as well as sufferings that result from their own choices. Under His sanction, material nature awards the due results of their desires and actions, as they deserve.

But for those who want to become His surrendered devotee, Krishna personally orchestrates their life and guides their decisions in such a way that will bring them closer to Him. (Bg 10.10) Thus, He may bless His devotee with a marriage situation which will be conducive to spiritual progress.

In short, the Lord’s reciprocation in guiding our life depends on our predisposition or inner purpose, and not necessarily the particular preferences and choices.

Regarding making the decision on who to marry, certainly it is nice to be surrendered to the Lord’s direction, but surrender does not dictate absolute passivity. While sincerely praying for the Lord’s guidance and inspiration, you can at the same time actively make considerations based on your personal nature, compatibility and needs. In the same spirit, you should also seek counsel from experienced grihasthas who know your nature well, and who can take your attention beyond superficial attractions and aversions to help make a wise decision.

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  • Krsna knows our Future
    He may not always reveal it to us.
    But he will walk with us as the future unfolds itself.
    Do not trust the stars
    Trust the one who made them.
    • Love those last two lines! Very good point :)

  • Hare Krishna
    Please accept my humble obeiscances.

    Every situation in our life is cause of our karma.
    However when Krsna personally pays attention to the karmas of a devotee..
    He makes sure that he will allow the right thing to happen in a devotee's life so that he only progress on the path of Krishna Consciousness..
    His involvement i.e his reciprocation is based on our surrender.
    but we should always do our part and let kanhu deal with our result.
  • Hare Krsna

    When I first came to the temple I was told no matter how much we think we have chosen our spouse, these people were put in our lives.
  • Then how and what do we rely on for choosing an alliance for marriage purpose ? esp in case of arrange marriage....and i m clueless as to guys facing this problem (night mare post marriage)...i have always seen girls adjusting post marriage (leaving her comfort zone, adjusting with new family, dowry, career sacrifice etc etc)

    I have many doubts.,........please be calm in responding..
  • Thank You Lalit Singhji for your response.......thank you so much
    • yours servant mataji, jai shree radhe
  • How do we discriminate...m looking for way to discriminate....because typically in an arrange marriage situation (where we dont know the person for long.....how do we make a decision as i think the "person is is what" is as per his/ her circumstances and the behaviour might change depending on current situations. But the values imbibed in him/ her should be unchanged.....

    Secondly, how much do we rely on kundalis (say if 30+ gunas) are matching...can it be said to be a good match to say a yes....

    Please advise
    • I cant uderstand why there is a room for anxiety when everything has been surrendered to krishna.beleive me, krishna will do for good only, just pray to krishna that you take charge,and when he takes charges interesting thing will start happening, he will automatically create such situations that things may happen or may not happen. you have to decide yourself, pray to krishna to give guidance, go deeper and deeper inside you, first get your vision clear, what kind of relationship u want to have? is he going to help in spiritual pursuiuts ? A voice should come inside from you heart that this is one and this is not ? as far as kundali is concerned , 30+ gunas are very good, but for devotees guna matching does not count as Krishna totally take care of their devotees life. its always better to talk with prospective bride or groom, atleast you can come to know how he thinks. At this point of time discrimination can, come by talk only, you can judge a lot form what he is talking, simply high fundoo bolna alag hota hai, but one who has realised that learning also, you will automatically find the depth Trust Krishna, jai jai shree radhe , waise in in material cheejo ko jyada seriously nai lena chaiye, they are bound to change, bas radhe radhe bolo, ho gaya hari hari, nahi hua to bhi hari hari. jai shree radhe
  • Sidharth, please explain the logic...if spouse identification is pre destined then why are we not sent in packets and more so why do we get choice of choosing life partner....

    Please clarify
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