Hare Krishna everyone, dandvat pranam ji. Please accept my humble obeisances.
I am practicing Krishna consciousness from last 3 years. When I was child, I love krishna only by seeing the beautiful pictures of krishna, the serial krishna(Ramanand Sagar.) & other no knowledge. But with the passage of time as i grew up, I forget krishna due to external environment-the great maya force.(energy of Lord). Fortunately in my college time & in my professional field, some experiences has been happened to me with which i feel very much hurted & after that i realised that i forget krishna in earlier years bcoz we are a part of krishna, so we shud remember this. So, immediately I started krishna consciousness with the mercy of my devotee friend. Now I love to sing glories of Shri Radhakrishna.I love to preach. I have read Shri Bhagavad Gita, Now a days reading Shri Bhagvatam. Sometimes my meditation is very good & i feel nectar also..Sometimes i cry (in loving sense) for krishna thinking about the beauty of Shri krishna. Sometimes i cry that krishna wen will you come to take me away from this bondage.I frequently go to vrindavan, Barsane & Goverdhan.I love to do research more & more on the glories of shri krishna, on topics- the creation of world, before creation,etc. My chanting rounds was also gud but now i sing only glories only. But still I want to discuss my following problems which creates so much disturbances in my spiritual Progress i.e. Krishna Consciousness. Please , I request you to help me to sort out the solutions.
I am passing through deep pain. 1. I am following all regulative principles naturally not forcibly except the only one-"Illicit Sex". I have never maintain any physical relation with a girl. But due to wrong association in my earlier years, I got the habit of watching adult content & masturbating & once i have done vulgar chat on phone through online payment .Though i cried a lot after performing such act . I always start practicing again my krishna consciousness activity after feeling guiltiness. This urge start disturbing me always when my meditation in krishna consciousness was so good.This happened to me many times, & i have always started again KC.I request all of you to please don't misunderstand me.This is very much genuine problem which i m trying to describe you.
2. Secondly, i m very much struggling hard with my career. Previously i was doing job & i have resigned from 3 companies.I always doing my work with full sincerity & dedication but my managers always trying to do controversies with me , defeating , abusing sometimes.They intentionally sometimes provoke me by making fun of me & my spiritual practice.Whenever i tried to counter their answers they make complaints.They pressurized me to leave job.then I started my own business in my field, but still i am unable to earn for livelihood. I have no greed for money.But still i have to earn for my parents who has helped me to this stage so that i can do bhakti. Due to such financial crisis in my home, parents also got irritated so much that sometimes they arguing with me at very heated level against my krishna consciousness. Due to such situations sometimes i say to them that i will leave for vrindavan & will chant the harinaam even without food. I want to respect my parents but due to such situations sometimes i feel uncomfortable even with my parents.But still i can't direspect them bcoz they help me from my childhood to this age.So i always pray to lord to give happiness to my parents.I always pranam my parents in my heart. Even my family members , relatives , cousins all are against me.That's why i have no interest now in family relations..I really want to go vrindavan but i have to do karam also for my parents , to give love to them.It's very complicated situation for me now a days.
3. My Last problem is that I am unable to understand my devotion bcoz as soon as heated arguments done with family, etc. & such illicit behavior, i immediately cried s lot & then start my bhakti again. And all the time i only thinking that what krishna will think about me that how is this devotee. I feel very much nectar in krishna consciousness but still i m unable to understand my devotion.That is "MYSELF".
I also read a lecture of prabhupada ji as follows-http://www.kkswami.com/texts/vows/reference/falldown-from-spiritual-life.php
whatever i read in this lecture, i think that i m also in this category.
I request all of you, to please help me. I am hating myself.Waiting for your reply