1986
Dear Çréla Prabhupäda,
WHILE OFFERING my obeisances unto you, I visualize your lotus feet, so soft and so tenderly pink. I wish I could become a speck of dust and cling onto them forever. They are the most wonderful shelter, and who needs it more than I? I am your youngest son, and most probably that is why you showered so much affection upon me. You allowed me to stay with you all the time, and whenever I went anywhere, you asked me, "Where did you go?" I used to give some quick excuses. But now I realize how foolish I was to try to fool you. You urged me to be with you, but like a naughty child I went away to do some mischief, and when you asked me, I gave some silly excuses. Now you have gone away—I wonder whether in utter disgust.
You came to take us back with you. Those who are fortunate and pure went back, and others will go back after they have successfully completed the service you assigned to them. But I am so unfortunate and dirty that I could not develop the urge to go back to you. I am so foolish that in spite of hearing so much about that eternally blissful world where you are eternally present, I still try to derive some pleasure out of this miserable material nature—and that also at your expense.
You were always so concerned about me. One day, in Våndävana, Tamäla Kåñëa Mahäräja sent me to Mädhava Mahäräja's maöha to meet Çréla Kåñëa däsa Bäbäjé Mahäräja. When I came back, you asked in your normal, tender voice, "Where did you go?"
I replied, "I went to Mädhava Mahäräja's maöha."
You asked, "Why?" Although you had been bedridden for weeks, your voice roared like thunder. I began to tremble in fear, and I could not reply.
Again you asked, "Why did you go?" Your voice was so loud that the room seemed to shake with the sound.
Still trembling with fear, I replied, "Tamäla Kåñëa Mahäräja sent me there to ask Çréla Kåñëa däsa Bäbäjé Mahäräja to come to see you."
You said, "Oh! But I want you to be with me all the time."
Another time, when you had a dream that a Rämänuja Kaviräja prepared some medicine for you and you became cured by taking that medicine, we looked all around Våndävana for a Rämänuja Kaviräja but could not find one. Then it was decided that I would go to Çré Raìgam to look for a Rämänuja Kaviräja. When you were told that someone should go to Çré Rangam, you liked the idea. But when you were told that I was being sent, you said, "No, send someone else." Tamäla Kåñëa Mahäräja looked at me with a smile on his face, then he asked you why you were not allowing me to go.
You replied, "I want him to be with me now."
So mercifully you wanted me to be with you, but with time I am simply drifting away from you. Yesterday I was looking at your deity in the temple. It looked as if you were sitting there. Then I questioned myself, Did I really believe you were sitting there? If I really did, then could I stand there, so unconcerned? No! Then I would have to jump with joy, start to sing your glory—"Jaya Prabhupäda, Jaya Prabhupäda"—to announce your presence to everyone.
Please, Çréla Prabhupäda, give me the intelligence and determination to sing of your glories all the time. From now on, let me engage my body, mind, and words in singing your glories. So on this auspicious day I want to take the vow that from today, my body, mind, and words will simply be engaged in singing your glories, because I want to be with you all the time.
Your eternal servant,
Bhakticäru Swami
1987
If I do not remain true to you, Çréla Prabhupäda,
I’ll lose everything that I spiritually gained.
Then my heart will become hard as thunder,
And my consciousness will become eternally maimed.
With a little knowledge about the spiritual sky
I’ll think myself to be a liberated soul.
Not knowing that I am just a conceited fool,
I’ll forget forever my ultimate goal.
Lust, greed, anger, and other vices
With their incredible force will invade my heart.
Soldiers of Mäyä, enemy of Kåñëa,
They will mercilessly tear my consciousness apart.
I’ll fall out of your grace, which flooded the earth
With love of Kåñëa, the most magnanimous gift.
An unfortunate soul, not knowing my goal,
In the ocean of suffering I’ll drift.
If I do not remain true to you, Çréla Prabhupäda,
I’ll want to occupy the seat you adorn;
Knowing not how to struggle for Kåñëa,
In the abyss of anguish I’ll be thrown.
Forgetting that I am your eternal servant
I’ll try to lord over everything that I see,
Lost as I am since time immemorial
In the dismal world of agony.
Thinking you to be an ordinary soul
I’ll try like a clown to imitate you.
Seducing the souls that sincerely want Kåñëa
I’ll try to become a cheating guru.
Mäyä will offer me all that I want
—wealth, women, and name and fame.
Thinking that they are the result of my devotion,
I’ll try to justify my deceptive claim.
If I do not remain true to you, Çréla Prabhupäda,
I’ll surround myself with a bunch of fools.
Thinking myself to be as great as you are,
I’ll join one of those deviant schools.
Not recognizing my genuine friends
Who criticize me when I do something wrong,
I’ll stay with the ones who flatter me
To make my position deceitfully strong.
Forgetting your glories as the Lord’s chosen one,
I’ll try to eclipse you, as Rähu does moon.
In my treacherous attempt to compete with you
I’ll become bereft of the Lord’s greatest boon.
Mäyä then will offer me enough rope
To hang myself with wealth and fame.
Smearing myself with the stool of pig
I’ll forget Kåñëa’s holy name.
If I ever deviate from you, Çréla Prabhupäda,
Please bring me back to your lotus feet.
Now that I have realized the consequence,
Help me become free from Mäyä’s deceit.
To follow your order is such an easy job,
And the reward is as high as the spiritual sky.
Four regulative principles and chanting of names
Will take us back to Godhead when we die.
My will is weak and heart so impure,
But still I want to receive your grace.
My only hope is the blessings of the Vaiñëavas
And the blows from your divine mace.
Let me be with you wherever you are
And serve you so that I can be
A speck of dust at your lotus feet
To regain my eternal identity.
Your most unworthy servant,
Bhakticäru Swami
1988
The Final Instruction
Surrounded by devotees
In Våndävana
You were preparing to depart.
You lay in your bed
In silent meditation
With Kåñëa playing in your heart.
The room was filled
With the fragrant smoke
Of frankincense
And sandalwood pulp.
Your body was fragrant
With some divine perfume
From the spiritual sky.
Devotees sang softly the holy name
Accompanied only by a small kartal.
But the sound penetrated
Even the stonelike hearts.
Satsvarüpa Mahäräja entered with Madhudviña,
Who left the movement with a girl.
Your meditation broke, and you spoke
Like a father concerned about his prodigal son,
“You got married, breaking your vows. So what?
Still you can serve.”
Pointing at the householder devotees in the room
You said, “Look at them.
They are also married.
So you also can come back and stay
In the association of devotees.
No matter whatever happens,
Don’t ever leave ISKCON.”
You repeated—-
“No matter what happens,
don’t ever leave ISKCON.”
I visualize the material nature
An abysmal ocean,
The bodies swept away
In its dangerous currents.
No one can ever swim those waves,
What to speak of the deadly acquatics
That impatiently wait for their prey.
On that ocean there is a ship
Sailing smoothly with the strong wind
Of Hare Kåñëa mahä-mantra in its sail.
The best captain, Çréla Prabhupäda,
Is steering that ship.
Devotees blissfully chant and dance
On the deck.
A flag on the mast
Proudly bears the insignia “ISKCON”
In the whorl of a golden lotus.
Who will ever want to leave that shelter?
* * *
In the middle of the night
The world is asleep.
Only the sound of the holy name
Glides through the air of Våndävana
From some distant place.
You try to translate
In spite of your weak health.
You did not eat anything for weeks.
Waiting to serve you, I watch.
You can’t even lift the hand-set
Of your Dictaphone.
My heart was heavy.
Not due to my love for you,
But because someone had hurt my pride.
I do not like to fight,
But passionate encounters hurt me.
I brood over some insignificant happenings.
Exhausted, you lay down.
I walked over to your bed
To massage your feet,
Not out of my unalloyed love for you,
But out of some dry sense of duty.
My stonelike heart is still heavy from the wound.
Obsessed with my own feelings,
I do not appreciate your compassion
For all and your suffering
Due to our sins.
Mechanically I massage your feet.
You can understand
What goes on in our hearts.
Breaking the silence, you say softly,
“Just offer this life to Kåñëa.”
The veil of Mäyä is lifted,
And my heart breaks, and
Tears come streaming down my eyes.
“I love you, I love you, Çréla Prabhupäda!” I cry.
“If you love me,”
you replied,
“then cooperate with them
who also love me.”
I resolve in my heart,
“I will, I will, Çréla Prabhupäda.”
Bhakti Cäru Swami
1992
Dear Çréla Prabhupäda,
Please accept my most humble obeisances at your divine lotus feet. All glories to you, savior of the fallen souls and inaugurator of the Kåñëa consciousness movement throughout the world.
On this most auspicious day I want to inform you that your ISKCON is sailing smoothly on the ocean of material nature, rescuing countless spirit souls from the whirlpool of birth, death, old age, and disease.
You so expertly designed this transcendental ship that in spite of innumerable storms in the turbulent ocean, the progress is unaffected. You, the perfect captain, trained your dedicated followers to navigate through all kinds of difficulties. In turn, they are also training their followers to become worthy grandchildren of Your Divine Grace.
As an unworthy servant of your lotus feet and an insignificant member of ISKCON, I am trying to render some service. I wonder whether my efforts are pleasing to you. When your pastimes were manifest, everything was so easy. Whenever we made some mistake and you were displeased, you immediately corrected us through merciful chastisement. Now that you have withdrawn your pastimes from our material vision, we cannot make out whether our efforts are pleasing you. I realize we have to become very vigilant and meditative to find out how you are accepting them.
You instructed me to translate your books into Bengali and personally trained me to do that job. Once when you were in Bombay you even told me, “Just translate my books and go back to Godhead.”
Çréla Prabhupäda, for the last few years I neglected that service. In 1987, soon after translating Caitanya-caritämåta, I was appointed a GBC member. Your ISKCON was facing major crises at that time, and I thought that helping to solve those problems was my main responsibility. I felt ISKCON must be saved first; everything else was secondary. If ISKCON fell apart, what would be the use of anything else?
I never wanted to neglect my translation work, Çréla Prabhupäda, but due to heavy managerial pressure and hectic traveling I could not translate regularly. I felt extremely guilty about that. At the end of almost every day, in spite of a busy schedule, it was as if I had done nothing because I did not translate your books. I was always aware that this is my main service, but I did not know how to disentangle myself from countless managerial responsibilities around the world.
When I was praying for you to reveal whether it was right to consider managerial responsibilities more important, you spoke through your disciples in the form of chastisement. You made it clear that translation work is what you want me to do.
I was naturally concerned how to disentangle myself from worldwide responsibilities and become absorbed in serving your personal order. Then you made the necessary arrangements to facilitate my service, exactly as you did when you were present in your vapu form.
Through the GBC’s of Mäyäpur you directed me to manage the Mäyäpur Gurukula. They arranged with the GBC body that I remain in Mäyäpur for eight months a year. The International GBC’s made the proper adjustments, relieving me of many international responsibilities.
I became convinced that you are still with us, Çréla Prabhupäda. This is how you always shower your mercy. First you rectify our mistakes by chastising us, and then you make all arrangements to situate us properly.
I can see you did not leave us. Although we cannot see you physically, you are very much there, guiding us all the time. My only wish is that I can become a puppet in your hands; then I will not have to worry about anything.
I never thought of getting involved in gurukula. But now that you want me to, I am plunging into that service and thoroughly enjoying the responsibility. Whenever I look at those bright, effulgent faces of the students, I realize they are the future leaders of this world. They are your grandchildren and potential pure devotees. I want to take care of them as a servant takes care of his master’s children. As I am your servant, I am their servant also.
You personally gave me the order to translate your books. Now, through your loyal representatives, you ordered me to take care of your Mäyäpur Gurukula. These two duties have become my most important responsibilities now. Please bless me, Çréla Prabhupäda, that I can execute these duties properly and always remain engaged in serving your lotus feet.
Always aspiring to remain at the dust of your lotus feet, I remain
Your humble servant,
Bhakti Charu Swami
Replies
Dear Çréla Prabhupäda,
WHILE OFFERING my obeisances unto you, I visualize your lotus feet, so soft and so tenderly pink. I wish I could become a speck of dust and cling onto them forever. They are the most wonderful shelter, and who needs it more than I? I am your youngest son, and most probably that is why you showered so much affection upon me. You allowed me to stay with you all the time, and whenever I went anywhere, you asked me, "Where did you go?" I used to give some quick excuses. But now I realize how foolish I was to try to fool you. You urged me to be with you, but like a naughty child I went away to do some mischief, and when you asked me, I gave some silly excuses. Now you have gone away—I wonder whether in utter disgust.
You came to take us back with you. Those who are fortunate and pure went back, and others will go back after they have successfully completed the service you assigned to them. But I am so unfortunate and dirty that I could not develop the urge to go back to you. I am so foolish that in spite of hearing so much about that eternally blissful world where you are eternally present, I still try to derive some pleasure out of this miserable material nature—and that also at your expense.
You were always so concerned about me. One day, in Våndävana, Tamäla Kåñëa Mahäräja sent me to Mädhava Mahäräja's maöha to meet Çréla Kåñëa däsa Bäbäjé Mahäräja. When I came back, you asked in your normal, tender voice, "Where did you go?"
I replied, "I went to Mädhava Mahäräja's maöha."
You asked, "Why?" Although you had been bedridden for weeks, your voice roared like thunder. I began to tremble in fear, and I could not reply.
Again you asked, "Why did you go?" Your voice was so loud that the room seemed to shake with the sound.
Still trembling with fear, I replied, "Tamäla Kåñëa Mahäräja sent me there to ask Çréla Kåñëa däsa Bäbäjé Mahäräja to come to see you."
You said, "Oh! But I want you to be with me all the time."
Another time, when you had a dream that a Rämänuja Kaviräja prepared some medicine for you and you became cured by taking that medicine, we looked all around Våndävana for a Rämänuja Kaviräja but could not find one. Then it was decided that I would go to Çré Raìgam to look for a Rämänuja Kaviräja. When you were told that someone should go to Çré Rangam, you liked the idea. But when you were told that I was being sent, you said, "No, send someone else." Tamäla Kåñëa Mahäräja looked at me with a smile on his face, then he asked you why you were not allowing me to go.
You replied, "I want him to be with me now."
So mercifully you wanted me to be with you, but with time I am simply drifting away from you. Yesterday I was looking at your deity in the temple. It looked as if you were sitting there. Then I questioned myself, Did I really believe you were sitting there? If I really did, then could I stand there, so unconcerned? No! Then I would have to jump with joy, start to sing your glory—"Jaya Prabhupäda, Jaya Prabhupäda"—to announce your presence to everyone.
Please, Çréla Prabhupäda, give me the intelligence and determination to sing of your glories all the time. From now on, let me engage my body, mind, and words in singing your glories. So on this auspicious day I want to take the vow that from today, my body, mind, and words will simply be engaged in singing your glories, because I want to be with you all the time.
Your eternal servant,
Bhakticäru Swami
1987
If I do not remain true to you, Çréla Prabhupäda,
I’ll lose everything that I spiritually gained.
Then my heart will become hard as thunder,
And my consciousness will become eternally maimed.
With a little knowledge about the spiritual sky
I’ll think myself to be a liberated soul.
Not knowing that I am just a conceited fool,
I’ll forget forever my ultimate goal.
Lust, greed, anger, and other vices
With their incredible force will invade my heart.
Soldiers of Mäyä, enemy of Kåñëa,
They will mercilessly tear my consciousness apart.
I’ll fall out of your grace, which flooded the earth
With love of Kåñëa, the most magnanimous gift.
An unfortunate soul, not knowing my goal,
In the ocean of suffering I’ll drift.
If I do not remain true to you, Çréla Prabhupäda,
I’ll want to occupy the seat you adorn;
Knowing not how to struggle for Kåñëa,
In the abyss of anguish I’ll be thrown.
Forgetting that I am your eternal servant
I’ll try to lord over everything that I see,
Lost as I am since time immemorial
In the dismal world of agony.
Thinking you to be an ordinary soul
I’ll try like a clown to imitate you.
Seducing the souls that sincerely want Kåñëa
I’ll try to become a cheating guru.
Mäyä will offer me all that I want
—wealth, women, and name and fame.
Thinking that they are the result of my devotion,
I’ll try to justify my deceptive claim.
If I do not remain true to you, Çréla Prabhupäda,
I’ll surround myself with a bunch of fools.
Thinking myself to be as great as you are,
I’ll join one of those deviant schools.
Not recognizing my genuine friends
Who criticize me when I do something wrong,
I’ll stay with the ones who flatter me
To make my position deceitfully strong.
Forgetting your glories as the Lord’s chosen one,
I’ll try to eclipse you, as Rähu does moon.
In my treacherous attempt to compete with you
I’ll become bereft of the Lord’s greatest boon.
Mäyä then will offer me enough rope
To hang myself with wealth and fame.
Smearing myself with the stool of pig
I’ll forget Kåñëa’s holy name.
If I ever deviate from you, Çréla Prabhupäda,
Please bring me back to your lotus feet.
Now that I have realized the consequence,
Help me become free from Mäyä’s deceit.
To follow your order is such an easy job,
And the reward is as high as the spiritual sky.
Four regulative principles and chanting of names
Will take us back to Godhead when we die.
My will is weak and heart so impure,
But still I want to receive your grace.
My only hope is the blessings of the Vaiñëavas
And the blows from your divine mace.
Let me be with you wherever you are
And serve you so that I can be
A speck of dust at your lotus feet
To regain my eternal identity.
Your most unworthy servant,
Bhakticäru Swami
1988
The Final Instruction
Surrounded by devotees
In Våndävana
You were preparing to depart.
You lay in your bed
In silent meditation
With Kåñëa playing in your heart.
The room was filled
With the fragrant smoke
Of frankincense
And sandalwood pulp.
Your body was fragrant
With some divine perfume
From the spiritual sky.
Devotees sang softly the holy name
Accompanied only by a small kartal.
But the sound penetrated
Even the stonelike hearts.
Satsvarüpa Mahäräja entered with Madhudviña,
Who left the movement with a girl.
Your meditation broke, and you spoke
Like a father concerned about his prodigal son,
“You got married, breaking your vows. So what?
Still you can serve.”
Pointing at the householder devotees in the room
You said, “Look at them.
They are also married.
So you also can come back and stay
In the association of devotees.
No matter whatever happens,
Don’t ever leave ISKCON.”
You repeated—-
“No matter what happens,
don’t ever leave ISKCON.”
I visualize the material nature
An abysmal ocean,
The bodies swept away
In its dangerous currents.
No one can ever swim those waves,
What to speak of the deadly acquatics
That impatiently wait for their prey.
On that ocean there is a ship
Sailing smoothly with the strong wind
Of Hare Kåñëa mahä-mantra in its sail.
The best captain, Çréla Prabhupäda,
Is steering that ship.
Devotees blissfully chant and dance
On the deck.
A flag on the mast
Proudly bears the insignia “ISKCON”
In the whorl of a golden lotus.
Who will ever want to leave that shelter?
* * *
In the middle of the night
The world is asleep.
Only the sound of the holy name
Glides through the air of Våndävana
From some distant place.
You try to translate
In spite of your weak health.
You did not eat anything for weeks.
Waiting to serve you, I watch.
You can’t even lift the hand-set
Of your Dictaphone.
My heart was heavy.
Not due to my love for you,
But because someone had hurt my pride.
I do not like to fight,
But passionate encounters hurt me.
I brood over some insignificant happenings.
Exhausted, you lay down.
I walked over to your bed
To massage your feet,
Not out of my unalloyed love for you,
But out of some dry sense of duty.
My stonelike heart is still heavy from the wound.
Obsessed with my own feelings,
I do not appreciate your compassion
For all and your suffering
Due to our sins.
Mechanically I massage your feet.
You can understand
What goes on in our hearts.
Breaking the silence, you say softly,
“Just offer this life to Kåñëa.”
The veil of Mäyä is lifted,
And my heart breaks, and
Tears come streaming down my eyes.
“I love you, I love you, Çréla Prabhupäda!” I cry.
“If you love me,”
you replied,
“then cooperate with them
who also love me.”
I resolve in my heart,
“I will, I will, Çréla Prabhupäda.”
Bhakti Cäru Swami
1992
Dear Çréla Prabhupäda,
Please accept my most humble obeisances at your divine lotus feet. All glories to you, savior of the fallen souls and inaugurator of the Kåñëa consciousness movement throughout the world.
On this most auspicious day I want to inform you that your ISKCON is sailing smoothly on the ocean of material nature, rescuing countless spirit souls from the whirlpool of birth, death, old age, and disease.
You so expertly designed this transcendental ship that in spite of innumerable storms in the turbulent ocean, the progress is unaffected. You, the perfect captain, trained your dedicated followers to navigate through all kinds of difficulties. In turn, they are also training their followers to become worthy grandchildren of Your Divine Grace.
As an unworthy servant of your lotus feet and an insignificant member of ISKCON, I am trying to render some service. I wonder whether my efforts are pleasing to you. When your pastimes were manifest, everything was so easy. Whenever we made some mistake and you were displeased, you immediately corrected us through merciful chastisement. Now that you have withdrawn your pastimes from our material vision, we cannot make out whether our efforts are pleasing you. I realize we have to become very vigilant and meditative to find out how you are accepting them.
You instructed me to translate your books into Bengali and personally trained me to do that job. Once when you were in Bombay you even told me, “Just translate my books and go back to Godhead.”
Çréla Prabhupäda, for the last few years I neglected that service. In 1987, soon after translating Caitanya-caritämåta, I was appointed a GBC member. Your ISKCON was facing major crises at that time, and I thought that helping to solve those problems was my main responsibility. I felt ISKCON must be saved first; everything else was secondary. If ISKCON fell apart, what would be the use of anything else?
I never wanted to neglect my translation work, Çréla Prabhupäda, but due to heavy managerial pressure and hectic traveling I could not translate regularly. I felt extremely guilty about that. At the end of almost every day, in spite of a busy schedule, it was as if I had done nothing because I did not translate your books. I was always aware that this is my main service, but I did not know how to disentangle myself from countless managerial responsibilities around the world.
When I was praying for you to reveal whether it was right to consider managerial responsibilities more important, you spoke through your disciples in the form of chastisement. You made it clear that translation work is what you want me to do.
I was naturally concerned how to disentangle myself from worldwide responsibilities and become absorbed in serving your personal order. Then you made the necessary arrangements to facilitate my service, exactly as you did when you were present in your vapu form.
Through the GBC’s of Mäyäpur you directed me to manage the Mäyäpur Gurukula. They arranged with the GBC body that I remain in Mäyäpur for eight months a year. The International GBC’s made the proper adjustments, relieving me of many international responsibilities.
I became convinced that you are still with us, Çréla Prabhupäda. This is how you always shower your mercy. First you rectify our mistakes by chastising us, and then you make all arrangements to situate us properly.
I can see you did not leave us. Although we cannot see you physically, you are very much there, guiding us all the time. My only wish is that I can become a puppet in your hands; then I will not have to worry about anything.
I never thought of getting involved in gurukula. But now that you want me to, I am plunging into that service and thoroughly enjoying the responsibility. Whenever I look at those bright, effulgent faces of the students, I realize they are the future leaders of this world. They are your grandchildren and potential pure devotees. I want to take care of them as a servant takes care of his master’s children. As I am your servant, I am their servant also.
You personally gave me the order to translate your books. Now, through your loyal representatives, you ordered me to take care of your Mäyäpur Gurukula. These two duties have become my most important responsibilities now. Please bless me, Çréla Prabhupäda, that I can execute these duties properly and always remain engaged in serving your lotus feet.
Always aspiring to remain at the dust of your lotus feet, I remain
Your humble servant,
Bhakti Charu Swami