Hare Krishna, dear devotees...please help me through your valuable guidance...
My faith in God has decreased dramatically, and one part of my brain wants to just forget i was ever introduced to something like Bhakti Yoga…but another part of my intelligence is telling me, no i should stick to it no matter what…so please help me
Since childhood, being educated in a convent school, it was imprinted in my mind that Lord is always with me, he always guides me personally, he is there for me, i can always rely on him. That was very innocent yet genuine faith in Lord. I used to pray daily, with so so much conviction that yes Lord listens to my prayers and he is "personally" helping me, being always present before me.
But now i have totally lost faith in praying..i dont think Lord listens at all…for the following reasons:
•being introduced to the truth, reading several verses from Gita where Lord discloses who is dear to Him; several talks/lectures where we are convinced that Lord only takes personal interest in the lives of pure devotees, also that he is personally available with only the pure ones…..is theoretically understood by me to be true, but it disturbs me very much.
•Also the thing that, we are not eligible to directly offer bhog to Lord, we first offer it to the spiritual master and then Lord accepts it from Him…is another imprint in my mind that Lord is far far away from me. He doesn't directly reciprocate with me.
Although i understand this is to convey the importance of spiritual master..still..i dont feel very much freeness in sharing my feelings with spiritual master in mind..but with Krishna i used to
•Also, we say that we shouldn't ask for any material desires from Lord…but desires are there(and they are not always related to lower ways of sense gratification…but instead related to studies, responsibilities etc)….in that case…just from whom to ask?
Earlier the faith was very simple, Lord is my everything, i must depend on Him. Now it is like, i shouldn't ask, oh i shouldn't ask from him….it is very very disturbing
•Also somewhere it is written…that when we ask something from Lord Krishna to be particular…he fulfills it in a way that we loose taste in that…and give up that desire. This is in many cases very fearful…
I understand this fear is due to not enough faith in Krishna, that he will expertly handle me and my needs... But my faith has decreased because of reading & learning too much philosophy. Although i 💯 agree that it is true, & we must follow it…but it is taking me away from Lord.
• Another reason my faith has decreased, is we say Lord is not sentimental. I dont know what it's real meaning is…but where i read this and the way my shiksha guru had explained…seemed to point out more that for every small reason we cant go to Lord and ask for help, and hope that he will understand and help us…
I am feeling tooo much distanced from Lord. And I don't at all like this feeling. This is first time, that before sharing this with Lord himself in my prayers, i am sharing with devotees, so that i get guidance.
Then what should be my approach…that i dont deviate from/ adulterate the truth revealed in scriptures and acharyas also…and yet be peaceful that Lord is present with me..?
Sorry for long question…i am sincerely worried my faith might decrease more if i dont ask…
Hare Krishna 😊🙏