Pranam to all Prabhus, and Devotees,
I am suffering through a bad phase in my life, and undergoing a great depression. I can't focus on anything and seek some direction and guidance.
Little about myself. I am new to the Krishna devotion and have started learning Bhagwad Gita recently to find solution on my life trouble.
The problem I am facing is an emotional distress due to unhealthy relationship between my mother and my wife.
I am in US & my old parents are in India. I got married (arrange) a couple years back in India to an indian girl and my wife came to US with me.
But things didn't go well between my wife and my mother when I was in India for marriage and then after marriage.
Now I am here in US, but whenever she gets a chance my wife talks trash about my mother.
She uses bad words talks about how my mother is bad.
Whenever I think of bringing my parents here to stay with me, things go south with my wife.. she picks fight with me, uses bad words for my mother and also threatens me of divorce.
Her point is I should either choose her or my parents.
I love my parents, I love my mother... I understand the chillness behavior of my wife.
I do understand that my mother knowingly or unknowingly must have hurt her...
It hurts when she uses bad words while talking with my parents, she talks of taking a revenge on my mother. I wanted to bring my parents to US to give them a better life, but my wife is not leaving any chance for denying them this opportunity.
It is stressful, my parents suffered a lot for raising me, then sacrificed lot of things to get me here.
But now when it is my chance of giving them happiness and better life I have been blocked.
I love my parents and my wife... but I am getting hurt by seeing behavior of my wife towards my old parents.
Memories, thoughts of my parents their sacrifices hunt me every now and then.. I am getting into depression.
I tried to explain this to my wife hundred of times, but she does not understand, she is full of revenge thoughts.
Prabhuji's please help me... I am going through a daily stress. Thoughts of my parents and my unstable married life is hunting me and killing me from inside.
Replies
Hare krishna , I feel this Issue cannot be resolved here , You can do your self , Meet both your wife and your Mother together as you love them both , Talk to them and resolve , We cannot get all in the relationship as we expect more from others , I would sincerely advice to listen other advices from Senior devotees but finally you have to do it
Hare krishna dandavat pranam
Hare Krishna!!
- I feel this Issue cannot be resolved here : Prabhuji, I feel it is all our belief. I believe this platform can help me in reaching and realising the lotus feet of Krishna. This platform is like the guru-tattva for me as I have no one else to guide me. The advice from pure devotees here helped me a lot so far. I think others too will get all solutions to their problem on this platform, if they believe.
Senior devotees here are the real eye openers for the ignorant souls like me!!
-haribol !!
Dear Prabhuji's
Thank you for your guidance and suggestions.
I have a question though, please tell me what you think.
I know that there is only one supreme power the one almighty bhagwaan krishna.
We should leave our concerns behind and devote ourselves to Krishna Consciousness.
But Prabhu, aren't our Mata, Pita Gods too??
These gods has give me life, love throughout my life.
Now if anyone (including my wife? ) holds a grudge & ill fate for my god's... Why shouldn't I leave this person?
Should I break away from my wife? and devote my rest of the life to services of my parents and take care of them?
Hare krsna prabhuji,
All glories to Srila Prabhupada!!!
I think the answer is quite simple but maybe a bit hard to implement mainly because men of this generation are not as strong as the previous generation in terms of maturity.
Mother-daughter in law issue has been there for ages and will continue into the future. Be a man and stand up for your relations both for your parents and for your wife.
When your wife scolds your parents, take her to task and ask her to stop being disrespectful towards your parents. She might have some bad experience with your mother but that doesnt mean that she can hold it forever. Same goes to your mom too. You have to step up at both ends to control the situation.
If you want to take care of your parents which is your right, then your wife has to understand and cooperate with you to make it happen. If she doesnt, then let her go. You are better off without her. Having said that, if your wife allows them to stay with you and then your mom creates issues, then send them back.
You still have options to make it work. As I said, the solution is simple, but implementing it will take some time and compromises.
Now, where does your strength come from to handle this situation? it is from Krsna. Krsna is with you if you are with Him. Devote your time away from this on going saga. He will show you the way. Continue chanting and do whatever service you can from your end. Keep your sadhana strong. the rest will fall in place. Krsna knows your life better than you do. Let Him lead.
Hare krsna.
Hare Krsna Prabhuji,
Now I will ask a couple of questions which you need to answer to yourself, not to me.
Are you happy with your wife otherwise, apart from mother issue?
Why will you leave your wife - for parents? Do you think a broken marraige, for their sake, will give them happiness?
Suppose you leave her and be with your parents and eventually marry again, what is the garaunteee that the new lady will be ok with your parents?
Life is a compromise prabhu, no situation is ideal or permanent. There will always be some issue, somehow or the other.
Yes, parents are to be worshipped, One has to take care of parents. In your case, somehow or the other, you could not communicate the importance of your parents in your life to your wife early on in the relationship. Thats why she is in a dominating position now. What can you do? Leaving just for this is not advisable. We always advise people to keep their relationships intact. Marraige is a huge sacrifice, a compromise where both have to compromise.
You could put embargo like not allowing her parents to visit because yours are also not allowed. Ultimately, it is nothing prabhuji.
What my advise to you is - please get into devotion, these 2 souls are your parents in this lifetime. Their relationship with you is limited to about a year more than your age. So many lives, so many parents....Take care of them, there are alot of ways prabhuji.
Haribol,
YOur servant,
Radha Rasamayi DD
As per my understanding, we need to purify us first to see things clearly.
Bg 2.7 — Now I am confused about my duty and have lost all composure because of miserly weakness. In this condition I am asking You to tell me for certain what is best for me. Now I am Your disciple, and a soul surrendered unto You. Please instruct me.
-- Haribol !!
Hare Krishna
In this situation, don't leave Prabhu's name. Please chant Hare Krishna mantra atleast one round.
For situations at your home, place Radhe Krishna Murti in your temple.
Pray 1 lesson from BhagwadGita either daily or once a week. Things will start changing.
Prabhu is with all of us.
Haribol !
Hare Krsna Prabhuji,
PAMHO.
I understand your situation and sympathise with you fully.
There are a couple of things you can do in this situation:
1) Get into Krsna Consciousness and introduce your wife also.
2) Ensure you eat without onion garlic veg food, offered to the lord, before eating. Make sure your wife also does the same. This will go a long way to calm her down.
3) Stop meat eating, intoxicating, gambling.. basically, follow 4 regulative principles.
4) Read Gita religiously. Ideally, both of you read together.
5) Send money regularly for your parents and ensure their comfort materially atleast.
I understand that your wife has been hurt a lot and she is today's generation - no tolerance. When she is in a happy mood, ask her about her parents, their dealings with her and whether she had any fights with them (I am sure she did. Part of growing up). Then gently put a thought in her mind - has she given up all relations with her parents for that? Its like hammering a nail, it will not give results at the first time. You have to keep on doing this, then one day the nail will enter the wall.
Just keep praying prabhuji, things will work out.
Haribol,
YOur servant,
Radha Rasamayi DD
Hare Krishna,
Only Solution to All Problems is "Taking shelter in Lord's Lotus feet" !!
https://www.vedabase.com/en/tlk/6 says -
In Bhagavad-gītā (15.1–4), material existence is likened unto a banyan tree with its roots upward and its branches below. The roots of this banyan tree are very strong, but they can be cut with an ax (kuṭhāram). By taking shelter of Kṛṣṇa’s lotus feet, we can cut the strong root of material existence. Because we have given up Kṛṣṇa’s service, we have become servants of so many things. We are obliged to serve our parents, wife, children, country, and so forth. We are indebted to many people and to the demigods who give heat and light. Although we are not paying the bill, we are taking advantage of the sunlight and the sun’s heat. If we take advantage of electricity, we have to pay the bill, but we don’t pay the sun bill. This means that we are actually indebted to the sun-god, Vivasvān. Similarly, the king of heaven, Indra, is supplying water in the form of rain. Rascals say that all this comes about by nature, but they do not know that nature is controlled. If we don’t pay our debts by performing sacrifices, there will certainly be a scarcity. All of these things are coming from the Supreme Father, the Supreme Personality of Godhead, but we are thinking that they are coming from nature, and we are utilizing them without caring whether we pay the bill or not. It is all right to use our father’s property, but at the present moment we are not acting as our Father’s sons; we are māyā’s sons. We do not care for our Father; however, nature is nonetheless working under His direction.
We are suffering in this material world, entangled in the tree of material existence, moving from one branch to another, and because of this we are suffering. Kṛṣṇa does not want us to suffer, jumping like monkeys from branch to branch. We must come to Him and surrender to Him. When we come to this knowledge, we become perfect in knowledge. When we take shelter at the lotus feet of Kṛṣṇa, we are no longer debtors to anyone. Na kiṅkaro nāyam ṛṇī (Śrīmad-Bhāgavatam 11.5.41). Kṛṣṇa assures us, ahaṁ tvāṁ sarva-pāpebhyo mokṣayiṣyāmi:“I’ll give you all relief.” (Bhagavad-gītā 18.66) This is what we actually want. Therefore Devahūti herein takes shelter of Kapiladeva and tells Him, “You are the ax capable of making me detached.” When our attachment to the material world is severed, we become free. Bhakti is the means by which we can develop this detachment. Vairāgya-vidyā-nija-bhakti-yoga-. Bhakti-yoga is the science of detachment.
- Haribol !!