Hare Krsna Prabhuji/Mataji
I live very very far away from the temple.
I know that everything is given up for the sake of Krsna. However, my attachment to my family is very strong, and so i am not thinking of joining brahmachari at the present time. I am comforted by words of HH Haladhar Swami Maharaj that one should depend only on the Holy Name, and that Holy Name will give everything. So, Holy Name might choose to make me a brahmachari or grhastha in the future, depending on His own sweet will. Therefore, i am not forcing myself to join brahmachari, but am just chanting the Holy Name, at my house far far away from the temple.
However, due to lack of sanga of sincere non-duplicitious devotees (i have practically almost zero devotee sanga, except the lectures of some pure devotees), it's very very difficult for me to chant and follow the four regulative principles. Sometimes the chanting goes well, but then chanting lessens (now i am down to only 5 mala; and yesterday i did only 3 mala), and this repeats, and i also struggle with the 4 regulative principles (porn... i am unable to give up).
Srila Bhaktivinoda Thakura has written in Jaiva Dharma about how important the association of devotees is.
Therefore, if any Prabhuji (not Mataji) would like to sometimes talk with me online, i would be most grateful. We would not discuss any gramya-katha; we shall rather talk only about Lord Sri Krsna, His pastimes, the glories of His Holy Names, and about how to progress in His bhakti.
But please know that i am a most fallen hypocrite. I am fully duplicitious. I fake bhakti. My heart is not simple like Gour Govinda Maharaj said. And now i am down to only 5 mala japa (yesterday i did only 3), and i am unable to give up porn.
But since devotees are para-dukha-dukhi, so although i am most fallen, still i expect their mercy.
Please give me sanga.
Constantly expecting the lotus feet of the sincere devotees,
Most fallen hypocrite Shuva Niraula
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