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Hare Krishna,

Dear Prabhuji and Mataji,

I am 38 Yrs old Married guy with 1 child . It is my personal treit from my childhood that i am short tempered guy . Even though i do very good work for any person or my familiy member but due to this behaviour  they often misunderstood me badly. For this reason relationship with people around me getting pale day by day. When my age was 18 yrs my mother arrange to take initiation of a SPIRITUEL  GURU to practice meditiation to control myself  but i couldnt successful. I found that people around me who are indeed bad but due to their polite behaviour people accept them nicely . 

Now i have been started BHAKTI YOGA through ISKCON for 2 years along with my Wife. I have been trying to take control over me but still failed . My wife is very sensitive about Bhakti Yoga when she found any mistake during my Aroti / Puja at home she always shout over me badly . Sometimes it is happening while she do this myself also behaving badly with Her. I know that My wife is not wrong as She Loved Krishna from her childhood hence she is very sensitive in this issue. Now i do wanna  make myself correct and want to bring control over my mind even in worse circumstances .

Please help how i can control my mind always even in worse condition? I indeed required a permanant solution. 

 

Hare Krishna 

 

 

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  • Volunteer
    You have made a wise dicission to control your anger. Lord Buddha, the incarnation of Vishnu, who appeared for the purpose of ending animal sacrifice, described the state of being angry as good as state of being in hell.

    Krishna says in Bhagavad Gita, 2.63

    From anger, complete delusion arises, and from delusion bewilderment of memory. When memory is bewildered, intelligence is lost, and when intelligence is lost one falls down again into the material pool. (Translation: Srila Prabhupada)

    (If you keep getting angry, pretty much that you will become crazy and will have to go see a mental doctor :)

    You have made a good choice to end anger permanently!!! I am proud of you Debasish Prabhu

    My suggestion to control Anger permanently, is by Permanently Chanting Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare. Hare Rama hare Rama, Rama Rama Hare Hare..... continuously, non stop... like Haridas Thakur, continually engage your tongue in chanting of the Names of Sri Hari and your tongue will forget to lash out!! No matter how long you have been getting angry, this is a permanent solution.

    Why does someone get angry, anyways? You think it is an accident or on purpose?

    Lets see what Krishna's Opinion is, as per Bhagavad Gita:

    Bg. 2.62

    dhyāyato viṣayān puṁsaḥ
    saṅgas teṣūpajāyate
    saṅgāt sañjāyate kāmaḥ
    kāmāt krodho ’bhijāyate

    Translation by A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada:
    While contemplating the objects of the senses, a person develops attachment for them, and from such attachment lust develops, and from lust anger arises.

    Purport
    One who is not Kṛṣṇa conscious is subjected to material desires while contemplating the objects of the senses. The senses require real engagements, and if they are not engaged in the transcendental loving service of the Lord, they will certainly seek engagement in the service of materialism. In the material world everyone, including Lord Śiva and Lord Brahmā – to say nothing of other demigods in the heavenly planets – is subjected to the influence of sense objects, and the only method to get out of this puzzle of material existence is to become Kṛṣṇa conscious. Lord Śiva was deep in meditation, but when Pārvatī agitated him for sense pleasure, he agreed to the proposal, and as a result Kārtikeya was born. When Haridāsa Ṭhākura was a young devotee of the Lord, he was similarly allured by the incarnation of Māyā-devī, but Haridāsa easily passed the test because of his unalloyed devotion to Lord Kṛṣṇa. As illustrated in the above-mentioned verse of Śrī Yāmunācārya, a sincere devotee of the Lord shuns all material sense enjoyment due to his higher taste for spiritual enjoyment in the association of the Lord. That is the secret of success. One who is not, therefore, in Kṛṣṇa consciousness, however powerful he may be in controlling the senses by artificial repression, is sure ultimately to fail, for the slightest thought of sense pleasure will agitate him to gratify his desires.
  • Hare Krishna,
    I am also like you not a great person to explain how to control anger. Ya, But I have over years learnt how to tame myself a bit. Sometimes I too lose temper.
    See one thing you must remember even in olden days great sages like Vishwamitra and many other saints like Durvasa muni who were great personalities who have realized Lord have lost their peace and broke their silence and cursed people. But they were so great that when they cursed people also that was also for loka kalyanam only that was useful for the other person's betterment in future.
    Narad muni when cursed the Kubera's kumaras they become Arjuna trees but they had one goodness at the end they had darshan of Lord and.. and more examples of sages cursed and they were are all preplanned to break the other person's pride and set them alright.
    When you get angry usually you are showing anger only becoz you didn't feel nice or ur expectations are not met by the other person... This is utter selfishness.
    How can the other person know what you are expecting???
    Every one has his or her own way to do things.. When you are in a society you must be able to accept people as they are.
    Reduce your expectations to that level that.. You stop expecting anything from anyone.
    For that you need patience.. Patience is a virtue and it should be cultivated day by day.. You cannot expect change in one day or two day.
    First important thing is you yourself came to know that ur behavior is inappropriate, accepting the way you are is first step.
    Next is now accepting how people around you as they are is next step.
    Reduce your expectations and accept people as they are. Try doing this..
    Whenever you get anger also it must be for a social cause or for the benefit of the other not to satisfy you own selfish Ego.
    Even Srila Prabhupada used to get angry when devotees didn't follow rules as per Vaishnavism. But this is for a better cause right ..
    So our anger should be for a better cause..
    You have considered Ugra Narsimha avatar as a God as well as Parushurama as Lord's incarnation.. They are shakti avehsa avatars of lord ...That anger is for a social cause.. for betterment of humanity for destruction of the evil.
    Our anger should be not for our selfish ego satisfaction or showing off that u are dominating person in the family.
    Even when you get anger it should not be expressed in a bad way.....it should be expressed in a matured way to show the other person clearly that you expected this from them..
    And always pls. Reduce expectation from others..
    We ourself don't always reach your own standards how can we expect others to stand upto what you expect Right?
    Showing anger also has polished way... Whenever you a angry just move out of the place and return after sometime.. in that way you can avoid that instance... and when you return back surely your mind and the other person's mind have changed by them.
    STEPS to control Anger:-
    1. Reduce expectations from the other.
    2. Accept people as they are.
    3. Avoid contact for some time and return back to normalcy.
    4. Express anger only when really needed for betterment of the other not for satisfaction of ur own ego.
    5. Express anger in a polished manner instead of shouting...just let the other person know affirmatively that you had expected this and its okay i can wait for you to correct urself.
    6. Always think of Lord' feet and his mandh hasitham ( smile of Lord)......whenever in anger.. This is immediately make you calm.
    7. Everything is happening as per Karma... Whatever you have to face in ur destiny no one can change it. .. Then why blame other person for it..???????
    Hare Krishna.
  • E-Counselor
    Hare Krsna Prabhuji,

    PAMHO.
    Anger is the inability to forgive. It is also a manifestation of unfulfilled desires. To control anger, one has to control desires/ expectations.
    While it is commendable that you are trying to control your anger, please be realistic. What you could not control for 38 years, you want to control in few seconds, that too for a lifetime. If you can control your senses for a lifetime, you will be able to control anger also.
    Until then, you have to take baby steps towards your goal, one step at a time.
    Your wife's shouting at you is not helping you prabhu. Maybe you should sit with her and communicate to her that you are trying to control your temper, and you need her cooperation towards the same. So she could also try to control her temper, so that both of you are anger free in the near future. If you are making mistakes while doing arati and she is shouting at you then and there, then the flow of arati is getting disturbed. Tell her to mentally note and tell you later, once the arati is done. THis way, the issue of getting disturbed during arati is reduced. When we are doing arati, we are engaging all our senses in the service of the lord - eyes to see the arati. ears to hear the kirtan, nose to smell the incense and mouth to sing the arati, hands to do the arati or play kartal or clap. In this way, we are training the mind the think of the lord and glorify him for those few minutes. At that time, it would be better if there is no disturbance. After offering all the items of arati, I am sure you would be standing with folded hands for few minutes, asking the lord to pardon any mistakes you made while doing arati. If you don't, please start to do this and inform your wife also. She can tell you later where you went wrong.
    Remember the lord is bhaav grahi - He is not petty, sitting with a checklist - you did this right, this wrong .....so many points for right procedure.....He is simply seeing with how much surrender and love you are praying to Him. Keep that in mind.
    Effective chanting goes a long way to control the mind.
    Prabhu. there is no permanent solution. Angerlessness is a journey. Only those who embark on this journey succeed.
    Haribol,
    Your servant,
    Radha Rasamayi DD
  • Hare Krishna Debasish Prabhuji,

    It might be a long answer kindly don't skip anything and read each and every single line of it. Only a person who has some opinion or some point will show anger. I really appreciate that you came forward and addressed your problem with which each and every person suffers and you are trying to improve yourself by finding out the solution. Highly appreciated!

    Well, I can understand your situation perfectly because everyone has anger in them. As a kid, yes I was too short-tempered and I used to get irritated on small things very easily. It does happen with me at times but now I am able to control my anger. Sometimes I too struggle as well.

    It is indeed a good thing that you are looking for a solution to the problem and I really appreciate it. I agree at times it becomes very difficult to control anger and it's pretty normal to get irritated at things which we don't like. A person who says they can control anger for the rest of their lives is not something I agree with. Everyone gets angry about something or the other in life. So if you think that you can get completely rid of this habit then I'm sorry but that's not possible. Yes certainly, in my opinion, you can control the habit of getting angry often. You can reduce the frequency of getting angry slowly since it happens gradually. Even big rishis in old times who were way more literate about spiritualism and had read all the spiritual texts used to get angry and give a curse to people if they did something wrong or offensive.

    Anger is an emotion just like happiness or sadness. We need to embrace the fact that we can never get rid of it and just running away from it will do no good. So this is something which we cannot get rid of but yes certainly we can control our emotions so it means we can control our anger as well. It just requires practice and things will be way better. Since no one is perfect other than the lord, every human has some shortcomings. Some people get irritated easily whereas some are able to control their anger. There are positives and negatives in every person. We need to work upon our negatives so that we can become a better human being but we can never be perfect. As it is said: Practice makes a person better but not perfect.

    There are certain things which one needs to keep in mind. You need to analyze the situation in which you are and is it really worth it to show anger to the person who is in front of you. I follow this method: When a person does something wrong I try to make them understand politely that you are doing wrong and you need to fix it. I explain to them once. If it's required then the second time as well I behave politely and show them their mistake and tell them to behave properly. But if the third time they do the mistake which might harm me or anyone close to me, I express my anger and explain them in a correct way so that they don't repeat the mistake again. In certain situations, yes one needs to be angry to get the work done and I think it's completely fine in those cases since no one wants to get in a mess in life. If you always behave politely and never show anger, to be honest, people will take you always for granted. No one gets angry on some stranger. They show anger to only those people whom they care about or want to help out.

    As you said you have been to spiritual gurus and currently doing BHAKTI YOGA through ISKCON for the past 2 yrs and yet no result, then I guess there is no point in preaching you any spiritual texts or quotes since you already have followed the same and it did not work out in your case. This is the reason why I am giving you practical tips and not quoting from spiritual texts.

    But again at the same time if you really wanna control anger and you are unable to do in certain situations, then immediately in your mind you can chant the hare Krishna maha-mantra. It will calm you down and help you make decisions and analyze the situation before taking any drastic step.

    You don't want to take a step in life which you regret about the next morning. Just a few seconds of anger and your relationship with the person is spoilt. Anger is like fire. If you learn how to channelize it in the correct direction it will give you great results. However, if you show your anger on the wrong person at the wrong moment without analyzing the situation perfectly, then chances are it might harm you than doing good since your relationship with the person might get spoilt or damaged for a long time or maybe permanently.

    Remember this important thing as well: We humans are simple souls. We don't own anything here. After our death whatever we earned whatever we gained everything will be gone and everything will stay here. We are here for some temporary time, we ain't permanent here on this world. Whenever we meet a person they will not remember us for how rich we are and all. People will remember us as what kind of a person we are and how we treated them and others. Also, you should always treat people in such a way that you expect them to treat you. So the ball is in your court. You need to decide how you want people to remember you as a person.
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