My obeisances to all devotees, guru and gauranga.
I dont have love for krsna. I just cant seem to love him in anything I do. But I get easily attracted to his material energy. What a miserable life is mine? I know krsna says "mama maya duratyaya" This divine energy of Mine, consisting of the three modes of material nature, is difficult to overcome. So whom am I fooling if not myself by thinking that I can overcome the material desires and wants without krsna and unless I develop love for krsna I am no where close to getting out of the clutches of maya..
Chanting: My chanting is a joke,, an absolute joke.. although I project on this site stating that i am doing 20 rounds, i cannot do even a single round of attentive chanting. A new and fresh devotee would do a better job at concentrating on the holy names than I do. I wake up early to do most of my rounds but what I think of while chanting is everything other than krsna.. I sometimes feel disgusted that all I do is just external. I dont have love for krsna..
Cooking: I cant think of krsna while sourcing the ingredients, nor while preparing them nor while cooking and not even while the food is being offered. Oh krsna. why dont you just slap me on the face and wake me up?? I am so unclean in everything i do and you are so pure. How can this disgusting soul do anything worth for you? I feel ashamed to bring the offering plate to you.
Devotees: I commit vaishnava aparadh every single moment. I always find fault in other devotees even though I know that I am not a good devotee. How do other devotees have so much love for you? why is that love not in my heart for you?
Reading: I just read Srila Prabhupada's books, I dont study them thoroughly. and look at my arrogance, I feel that I know so much that I can respond to the queries from other devotees. I live in ignorance but act all satvic. When I read my responses later, i think to myself "you are just a show. you dont practice what you preach"..
I cannot even cry for krsna for His mercy. I thought my devotional service will get better but each day is frustrating to keep krsna in my thoughts and hence decided to put my feelings here.
My request to all the devotees is to please pray for me and include me in your prayers so I can develop krsna prem because krsna prem is only got by the mercy of krsna and His devotees.
Chant and be happy.
Srila prabhupada ki jai..