My pathetic life

Hare Krsna,
My obeisances to all devotees, guru and gauranga.

I dont have love for krsna. I just cant seem to love him in anything I do. But I get easily attracted to his material energy. What a miserable life is mine? I know krsna says "mama maya duratyaya" This divine energy of Mine, consisting of the three modes of material nature, is difficult to overcome. So whom am I fooling if not myself by thinking that I can overcome the material desires and wants without krsna and unless I develop love for krsna I am no where close to getting out of the clutches of maya..

Chanting: My chanting is a joke,, an absolute joke.. although I project on this site stating that i am doing 20 rounds, i cannot do even a single round of attentive chanting. A new and fresh devotee would do a better job at concentrating on the holy names than I do. I wake up early to do most of my rounds but what I think of while chanting is everything other than krsna.. I sometimes feel disgusted that all I do is just external. I dont have love for krsna..

Cooking: I cant think of krsna while sourcing the ingredients, nor while preparing them nor while cooking and not even while the food is being offered. Oh krsna. why dont you just slap me on the face and wake me up?? I am so unclean in everything i do and you are so pure. How can this disgusting soul do anything worth for you? I feel ashamed to bring the offering plate to you.

Devotees: I commit vaishnava aparadh every single moment. I always find fault in other devotees even though I know that I am not a good devotee. How do other devotees have so much love for you? why is that love not in my heart for you?

Reading: I just read Srila Prabhupada's books, I dont study them thoroughly. and look at my arrogance, I feel that I know so much that I can respond to the queries from other devotees. I live in ignorance but act all satvic. When I read my responses later, i think to myself "you are just a show. you dont practice what you preach"..

I cannot even cry for krsna for His mercy. I thought my devotional service will get better but each day is frustrating to keep krsna in my thoughts and hence decided to put my feelings here.

My request to all the devotees is to please pray for me and include me in your prayers so I can develop krsna prem because krsna prem is only got by the mercy of krsna and His devotees.

Chant and be happy.

Srila prabhupada ki jai..

Hare krsna

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  • Volunteer

    Hare Krsna,
    My obeisances to all devotees, guru and gauranga.

    Thanks everyone for your responses, suggestions and support. Your prayers are instrumental in my progress, so please keep me in your prayers.

    Chant and be happy.

    Srila prabhupada ki jai..

    Hare krsna

  • Sadhu pure devotee sanga is essential.

    Someone can say :   

    "Oh, how i can find such devotee or group of devotees whose hearts melts when remembering the Lord, who sings and talks about Lord past times with so much affection and love, that the body hair stand on end and water fills the eyes.

    Who sometimes being in the mood of separation, falls on the ground in tears in great agony, like all their members of beloved family suddenly died. Who live by depending on Lords mercy, by not depending on anyone or anything.

    How i can find them, where should i go and what should i do "


    NBS 38Primarily, however, one develops bhakti by the mercy of great souls, or by a small drop of the Lord's mercy.
    NBS 39The association of great souls is rarely obtained, difficult to understand, and infallible.
    NBS 40The association of great souls can be attained—but only by the Lord's mercy.
    NBS 41[One can attain bhakti either by the association of the Lord's pure devotees or directly by the Lord's mercy because] the Lord and His pure devotees are nondifferent.
    NBS 42Strive, strive only for the association of pure devotees.
    NBS 43One should give up all kinds of degrading association.
    NBS 44Material association is the cause of lust, anger, confusion, forgetfulness, loss of intelligence, and total calamity.
    NBS 45Rising like waves from material association, these bad effects mass into a great ocean of misery.
    NBS 46Who can cross beyond illusion? One who abandons material association, serves the sages, and becomes selfless.
    NBS 47[Who can cross beyond illusion?] That person who stays in a secluded place, cuts off at the root his attachment to mundane society, becomes free from the influence of the three modes of nature, and gives up hankering for material gain and security.
    NBS 48[Who can cross beyond illusion?] That person who renounces material duties and their profits, thus transcending duality.
    NBS 49That person who renounces even the Vedas obtains exclusive and uninterrupted attraction for God.
    NBS 50Such a person, indeed, is delivered, and he also delivers the rest of the world.

  • Dear Prabhuji,

    I am moved by your discussion. It is our common problem. Practicing devotion in subtle sense is not so easy as it seems.  what you have disclosed is the bitter truth that we all come across. 

    I follow the philosophy :

    A loser is not one who fails .  A loser is one who does not learn from his mistakes due to his ego . A winner is one who stands up after failing. 

    I find the below book very helpful .


    You know prabhu few years after practicing devotional life I felt I was just chanting. No feelings nothing . What went wrong ? I realized I had criticized many devotees of other paramparas in name of philosophy . My ego won . But did I win ? No . By mercy and guidance of Gurudeva I was told to  to love everyone irrespective of philosophical differences as without love for all we cannot attain bhakti . It is very difficult to love but only  love can resolve all problems. We have a tendency to see negativity in others  so we draw negativity in our life too . 

    • Volunteer

      Hare Krsna,
      My obeisances to all devotees, guru and gauranga.

      Thanks for your response.

      Prabhu, maybe it was you who posted a link to Obstacles in Bhakthi pdf in another discussion and I read the book and it changed me. It showed me how to deal with the issue relating to fault finding. I am happy to say that I am glad that I read this book and corrected myself or I would have committed many Vaishnava aparadhas. The occasional thought of finding fault still creeps in and I am quickly able to remember the suggestions from the book and am able to overcome it.

      Thanks for the link prabhu. I highly recommend all devotees to read the pdf.

      Chant and be happy.

      Srila prabhupada ki jai..

      Hare krsna

  • E-Counselor

    Hare Krsna Prabhuji,


    You are so fortunate - these thoughts are coming to your mind. I am so fallen, that I always think of how many people I am helping and in how many ways.

    Pls continue to chant 20 rounds everyday. There are so many ways to improve chanting - keep reading and applying one method at a time. For instance, some people will go back 2-3 beads if they realise that the mind is wandering while chanting as a method to control the mind. Others will read the mahamantra in front of them (supposedly followed by Srila Bhakti Vinode Thakur also), some believe in getting a few core good rounds done as a starting point. There are power point presentations on japa techniques. Indeed, like they say in accountant terms - japa is like vouching, 50 % of our sadhana is dependent on good japa.

    Cooking : Do you think that immediately after hearing the GIta, when Arjuna was fighting the war, was he thinking prabhu - where is Your lotus feet or he was thinking - this is my enemy in front of me, I have to get past this enemy as a service to God? Concentrating on the ingredients while cooking and being in anxiety that the food should be palatable to the Supreme Lord is cooking in Krsna Consciousness prabhu. You are concentrating so that the food is prepared properly, you put all the ingredients in the correct proportion, at the right time. You are doing all this for Krsna's prasadam - thats perfect Krsna Consciousness. While offering, you are not able to do it with love and devotion in your heart at that time, it could be because you are tired with the effort of cooking or are already thinking you need to get dressed and rush for work, its ok. WHen a mother is taking care of child, have you seen she looks harassed sometimes? Does that mean that she loves her child any less? You are not eating anything without first offering to Krsna, that itself is surrender to a level prabhu.

    Devotees: It is very normal - it begins that way. When we first associate with devotees, after the initial euphoria, we start seeing the human fallible side of these devotees and like normal society, start finding faults. Then, the next stage is we start seeing the good they do despite their challenges, the next stage is we realise how much others are tolerating us. Its a journey prabhu - give yourself time to walk this path.

    The way out is dont talk about the faults you can see. Any aparadh done in mind is not counted in Kaliyuga. So let the aparadh remain till the mind stage itself - let it not translate to the words and action stage.

    Books: Pls practise before you preach. Suppose you come across a question that you know the answer to because of your reading, but you are not yet perfect in practising. Then what to do - pls answer the question, giving reference from where you got the answer and maybe give a disclaimer that you are not the right candidate to answer, you are simply repeating what you have heard/ read.

    Krsna says that one has to walk this path with faith and determination prabhu. Pls do not allow frustration to seep in. You dont know when, how much and in what form the mercy will come to you. Then the tears will be unstoppable. Until then, continue with your sadhana and persevere prabhu.


    Your servant,

    Radha Rasamayi DD

    • Volunteer

      Hare Krsna Rashmi mataji,
      My obeisances to all devotees, guru and gauranga.

      Thanks for your response.

      There is absolutely no way I am cutting down on my rounds. Its because of Krsna's mercy that I am able to do that many rounds and dedicate the time for 20 rounds. I am not going back. Its just amazing how Krsna has organised my day where I used to struggle to chant 3 rounds to be able to chant 20 rounds. My attempt now is to convert the inattentive rounds to attentive ones.

      Initially I used to struggle to concentrate on the mahamantra or even on Krsna's form. Then slowly through practice I was able to concentrate on the form. Now through His grace I am able to chant and hear the mahamantra (not all rounds though). One prabhu at the temple told me to have a visual board of Mahamantra in the mind and read through that board. It works well for me. I also agree on other suggestions you have posted here mataji.

      Coming to seeing faults in others: Yes, at the start I compared Srila Prabhupada;s teachings to how the devotees practice at the temple. I dint like it. I felt many claimed themselves a better devotee than the other (incl Bramhacharis). Then I read this pdf - Obstacles in Bhakthi (refered to by GopalKrishna Das in this discussion) few months ago and I changed my attitude towards other devotees. The fault finding is no longer a major issue but mataji as you pointed out, every now and then the thought of finding fault in others occassionally creeps into the mind but I forget about it sooner too.

      Chant and be happy.

      Srila prabhupada ki jai..

      Hare krsna

  • No need to be too hard on yourself. It's a journey. Krishna prema is a destination.

    By embarking on this journey, you already know it's a right path. You already know it with your mind. It's just a question of time when you'll know and feel it within your heart.

    So, don't worry too much. You will get there. I am saying from my own experience, your heart will open up, in time.  It's a journey. The journey home.

    harer nama harer nama
    harer namaiva kevalam

    kalau nasty eva nasty eva
    nasty eva gatir anyatha

  • I did not mean to say that love for Krishna is impossible to achieve. Not at all. It is achievable by everyone. By "no normal human can achieve," I meant that the ideal standard of "pure" devotee is like the ultimate perfection, not something we need to try to become overnight. It takes time.
  • Krsna Dasa,

    Please do not worry about this. You are only lamenting because you are comparing your (naturally imperfect) self to some perfect "ideal" standard which no normal human can achieve.

    I would say with intense belief that rather than trying to do a lot for Krishna, and chanting 20 rounds poorly, instead you should try chanting just one round or even less, but with full attention. Instead of 20 bad rounds do 1 good round. Quality over quantity in chanting.

    Just continue living your life and finding the beauty of Krishna's creation in everything you do. Just thinking of Krishna is worship to him. And spiritual life is a very gradual and infinite journey, not a cheap thing that comes easily. Try not to guilt yourself so much for being human. You are trying very hard. Just relax and enjoy yourself a little, man.

    Please feel free to email me @ chno_is_you1@yahoo.com
    If you want to ask me something directly.

    Hare Krishna
  • Hare krishna Prabhu , 

                     A lot Of People in Iskcon have the same situation , Focus on Hearing the each word while chanting, Feel krishna in his name while doing japa & Pls Read Krishna Book (SB Tenth Canto ) its the Cream of Krishna Katha and hence Srila Prabhupada Wrote it First before other books . 

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