Hare Krishna,
What is the Krishna Conscious solution for violent and abusive relationships?
Should a woman leave her husband? Will it not be a Vaishnava aparadha? What is the husband is not at all a devotee to start with and neither is aspiring to be one? Will leaving consitute bad karma?
Replies
The children were badly hit too.On one occasion the daughter bled and on many occasions the son was severely beaten up. Is it worthwhile for the mother to let the children live under the same roof with this dad?
when You are alone with children do not say anything bad about their father. it will hurt him. but when he feels real love and respect from his children then he won't beat them.
i think, You do take care of Your children more then of Your husband which is not correct. Husband should be in the first place any time, then together should take care of children. If he beats children it means he sees them as opponents for Your love. You are giving love to them not to him, and best way to hurt opponents...
please, analyze these things through out of Your life.
Hare Krsna mataji. The following notes have been taken from the Krishna consciousness group.
Dealing with Difference and Conflict
The following points are useful to keep in mind for dealing with all types of conflict, from mild differences of opinion up to serious tensions.
* Try to see all conflict as an opportunity for growth.
Conflict is natural in this world. Different opinions, tensions and even more serious conflict can lead to positive change.
* Focus on your same interests vs. different positions.
Two parties can have the same interests but their position may be quite different. For example, a husband and wife may want to discipline an energetic child. This is their common interest. However, their “position” may be different—one may want to discipline the child by spanking, the other by non-physical means.
* Don’t take all conflicts personally; separate people from problems.
When you encounter challenges or difficulties, first seek to understand the source. For example, at the grocery store, you may get upset with an overworked cashier because you’ve been waiting too long. Perhaps, it is the manager who is responsible, since he should open more lines.
* Separate people from their behaviour.
Labelling people disempowers them and fails to acknowledge that they have the ability and often the desire to change. For example, rather than saying “You are a fool for losing those keys,” say “When you lose the keys, I feel really upset because I hate being late.”
* Remember that perception is relative.
The way you perceive events may be quite different from the way others do. For example, several people witness the same crime, but each gives a significantly different version of the incident.
* Cultural differences must be taken into account.
People growing up in other cultures and other parts of the world may be taught different social rules and different values. For example, in the United States, we’re generally taught to look people directly in the eye whereas in many oriental cultures, it is a sign of disrespect to look an elder in the eye.
Gopal Prabhu dandwat!
Hare Krsna mataji. The following notes have been taken from the Krishna consciousness group.
Signs of Abusive Relationships
The following items are symptoms that may indicate abuse. In themselves they do not signify abuse, but they should raise concern:
1. Your partner has a history of abuse.
2. You tend to give more than you receive in the relationship; you perceive that your relationship is not reciprocal.
3. You think your spouse or partner has much potential but it just never seems to manifest, even after much time spent together.
4. You fear “being yourself” in the association of your spouse.
5. People you love and trust advise you that your spouse is not acting in your best interest.
6. Your spouse consistently tells lies and is generally devious.
The following are symptoms of abuse:
1. Your partner doesn’t take responsibility for his or her actions and often blames you instead.
2. You relinquish more and more of the social or spiritual standards you have previously established in order to acknowledge the demands of your spouse and to keep the peace in your relationship.
3. Your spouse often ridicules your opinions or ideas, calls you names, or embarrasses you in public.
4. You are regularly subjected to unwarranted jealousy and controlling behaviour, even to the point of isolation from family and friends.
5. Your partner or spouse often makes excuses for his or her neglectful or hurting actions. Frequently, he or she will apologize without making any changes in conduct. There is inconsistency between words (e.g. promises) and conduct.
6. You are subjected to physical, emotional or verbal violence.
Yes, all of these criteria fit the husband.Most important thing is that the abuse has been very severe physically. 4 times it has been a fatal attempt(burning, attack with knife etc). Should she risk her life for a non devotee husband and thereby risk the future of her children?
Hare Krishna Mtji-PAMHO, AGTSP
really feel sorry for this devotee Mtji and her children.It is unfortunate that she has to go through such atrocities. All I can do is pray for her and her children.
Many good points have been mentioned in this thread reg. ideal gruhasta life and the role of an ideal women-but this seems to be an extreme situation. I believe she should move away from her abusive husband in the interest of her life and her children's well-being till matters improve significantly.this mtji has indeed depicted the Vaishnava quality of tolerance to a great extent.In this case she has the great responsibility of taking care of two vaishnava children. what impression will the kids get if their devotee mother is killed at the hands of the father due to her submissiveness and tolerance? It will also be in the interest of her husband as this will protect him from commiting further vaishnava aparadh. (can imagine what kind of karma he is accumulating).
Requesting all devotees to pray for this Mtji.Krishna listens to the prayers of his devotees.
Plz forgive me If I have committed any offences.
YS
dipti
Hare Krishna Dear Nama Priya Mataji, please accept my sincere obeisances! All glories to Srila Prabhupada!
it is interesting why person beats without any reason. as usually husband answers physically to the harsh words of a wife, but if are polite, care taking ...then what the problem should be?!
i think for this time it is better to live with Your parents for some while, then time will come Your husband will need household care, then he will get angry with You and call You back. You have to be steady and wait until his anger pacifies, then he has to beg You to come then only You talk seriously but with respect and solve Your problems.
in this critical situation better way to stay away with Your parents.
Your servant
Bhaktin MAral mataji,
Thank you for all your insight into this topic.It is really a kind soul in you which is so concerned about the problems of others.
Unfortunately the woman doesnt have parental support(one is expired, the other is deranged) or relatives.
The husband beats her because to me it seems he has a personality disorder. The woman almost never talks back.As you said he has been begging her to be with him, but this has happened in past too but the abuse cycle(of denial, acceptance,apology , honeymooning and repeat abuse) continues.
I am still interested to know when would have Srila prabhupada advised a woman to separate.What are those extreme conditions?
A woman's duties are to serve the husband, but isn't surrendering all prescribed duties for the sake of Krishna a higher choice?(Bhagavad Geeta, CH 18, Saravadharman parityajya....).
I am extremely neophyte devotee so please forgive my arguments if they are against the teachings of our acharyas or spiritual master, but honestly these dualities need to be dealt with before I truly meet Krishna.
Regards
Hare Krishna Nama Priya Mataji,
:-( then i think she should talk with some senior Devotees who know her better and sees the situation. i do not have practical family experience, only theory, which is not enough for giving some serious advises.
if she divorces then how she will take care of children? does she have any diploma, education? how will she survive? it will be hellish like life for her. as we see she even does not reply to him it means she does not even respect herself as a wife. :-( or it is because of her humbleness and patience. but as i now at least we have to make mood that we do not like situation as like snake shows his tongue even if we do not bite like a snake.
extreme situation, for example, i read Srila Prabhupada told:"my daughters are not sex machines..." and He permitted to do divorce but after that to live in Krishna Conscious societies fully being engaged in Krishna's service which means Vanaprastha life, not to marry twice or trice, but to accept Krishna as a Supreme Husband.
i do not know, please let she talk with senior Devotees there, they will be happy to help her, please!
Thank You!
Your servant,
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