Hare Krishna,
What is the Krishna Conscious solution for violent and abusive relationships?
Should a woman leave her husband? Will it not be a Vaishnava aparadha? What is the husband is not at all a devotee to start with and neither is aspiring to be one? Will leaving consitute bad karma?
Replies
Hare Krsna mataji. The following notes have been taken from the Krishna consciousness group.
Five Tips for Parents
Use discipline, not punishment
Discipline teaches; punishment hurts. When our children need to be corrected, choose a consequence that will teach them and increase their self-esteem rather than hurt them. Hitting does little to positively instruct children. Instead, it teaches them that it is okay to hit others when they are upset.
Two types of consequences teach: natural and logical. A natural consequence is an environmental reaction to our child’s behavior. As parents, we often want to protect our children from having to experience unpleasant outcomes to their behaviors, but as long as the reaction is not dangerous, we can welcome natural teaching moments.
Some examples of natural consequences are: A child refuses to wear a sweater on a chilly day, so feels cold. A child overeats and gets a stomachache. A child refuses to do his/her homework and the teacher keeps him/her after school (teachers are usually much better at dealing with homework refusal than parents).
Not every situation, however, leads to natural consequences. That is when parents need creative, logical consequences. If a child breaks something, depending on the child’s age, he or she can fix or pay for it. If children decorate your living room wall with a crayon mural, they can wash the wall. In this way, children learn to make amends for their behaviors and bad choices. This builds healthy self-esteem and helps children learn responsibility.
Validate your child’s feelings
Sometimes we become upset hearing our children express strong negative feelings about themselves or others. If a child says, “I hate myself,” we may reply, “You don’t really feel like that,” or “That isn’t true.” Children who frequently have their feelings denied lose confidence in their ability to identify them. Denying their feelings also inhibit children from exploring the reasons they have them. It is more helpful to validate children’s feelings by reflecting back what they say to you. “You feel like everybody hates you today.” In general this allows the child to express what happened or what thoughts led to those feelings.
Catch your child doing something right
Studies show that children are exposed to far more verbal criticism and negativity than encouragement and praise. Parents are often so preoccupied with family responsibilities that they virtually ignore their young children until they are disruptive. Then the children are attacked with an arsenal of no’s, don’ts, and stops. For many children, negative attention is better than no attention, so a parent’s reaction can actually reinforce unruly behavior. To counteract this dynamic, take time out every so often to praise smaller children for playing nicely together and getting along. This will give children a positive view of themselves and reinforce positive behavior.
Know your child’s strengths and weaknesses
Some parents have trouble seeing a have trouble seeing a child’s weaknesses. A realistic child’s strengths; others assessment of both can help you plan meaningful activities for your child. Encourage and promote your child’s special abilities in whatever way is available and affordable. For example, if your child shows musical talent, see what lessons or groups are available to help develop that talent.
Understanding your child’s deficits is equally important. Seek additional assistance to help your child improve in these areas. Your child’s teachers and other adults who have regular contact with your child can also share their observations and suggestions.
Get to know your child’s teachers and friends
Teachers often spend more time with our child than we do and may have valuable insights into our child’s nature and give helpful advice. So, be in regular contact with your child’s teachers. This will also convey to the teachers that you are interested and involved in your child’s education.
Getting to know your child’s friends tells your child that you are interested in his/her life outside the home. Good relationships with your child’s friends will also help.
Hare Krsna mataji. The following notes have been taken from the Krishna consciousness group.
Letters From Shrila Prabhupada to Disciples About Marriage and Family Life
Letter to Bhagavan, Los Angeles, 7th July ,1971
The two marriages recommended by you may be performed at that time as well, but only after having sufficiently counseled the respective devotees. This marriage business should not be taken as a farce, but is a very serious matter. Recently so many couples have been cast adrift by the waves of maya's influence. That is hard to check, but still the devotees must realize the responsibilities of household life. And there is no question of separation. Too much this has been happening and I am very much displeased. So if they are promising not to separate under any circumstances, but to work cooperatively in the service of the Lord, then my sanction is there for their marriage, and my blessings as well. Otherwise not.
Letter to James Doody, July 10, 1969
"Our Krishna is a great family personality. Krishna is never a mendicant, and our ambition is to enter into Krishna's family and to associate with Him personally. So to marry and to become an exemplary householder is the ideal life of Krishna consciousness."
Letter to Susan Beckman, September 20, 1972
"Actually there is no difference between devotees living inside the temple and devotees living outside the temple. You are right that the important thing is to remember Krishna, whatever is your activities."
Letter to Shankara Pyne, November 15, 1973
"You can still advance in Krishna consciousness even in the office by chanting and giving some percentage to the Mandira.Our philosophy is that all the fruits of our activity go to Krishna for His enjoyment. It does not matter what our position may be."
Letter to Krishna dasa, June 9, 1974
"It is pleasing to me to hear you are happily engaged in devotional service and living as an ideal grihastha. Please go on as you are doing; keep your business separate and wherever you remain keep your family in Krishna consciousness always chanting Hare Krishna and observing the regulative principles. Cultivate your business for Krishna, remain happy in Krishna consciousness and always serve Krishna."
Letter to Shilavati dd, June 14, 1969
"The actual system is that the husband is spiritual master to his wife, but if the wife can bring her husband into practicing this process then it is all right that the husband accepts the wife as spiritual master."
Hare Krsna mataji. The following notes have been taken from the Krishna consciousness group.
The Nectar of Committment
Author: Partha Dasa, ACBSP
For some reason unknown, I have always been fascinated by Artic and Antarctic adventurers. I live in Canada, at Saranagati where winter weather reaches -25C (-10F) and occasionally -40C (-40F). At such times I feel driven to put on my woolies, step into cross country skis, challenge the adverse weather and go off into the wilderness for hours.
My wife is a substitute teacher at the Saranagati School. One afternoon as I waited in the school reading room for her, relaxing on a cozy sofa, a book on a nearby shelf caught my attention. It was a compilation of true tales of northern adventures.
To pass the time, I started reading a section about two men, best of friends, who ventured across a desolate part of Greenland. For the cross country ski expedition, which lasted several weeks, they carried supplies in heavy back packs and on sleds they laboriously pulled. Half way into their adventure, things became difficult. The weather was bad, and their relationship became strained. They began to annoy each other to the extent that one adventurer expressed how his nerves were acutely grated by the constant squeaking of his partner’s boot during their 10 hour daily treks.
When the trip was over they both laughingly admitted the pressures and strain had been so enormous that each had thought of shooting the other with the rifles they had carried in the event of polar bear attack. However, commitment and sanity triumphed; they made it to the end. Ironically the adventure greatly increased the bonds of their friendship.
“Wow!” I thought to myself, “Sounds a bit like the stages and transitions most marriages go through!”
The marriage adventure begins with the euphoric honey moon stage; “Everything is prefect, we are in heaven, this is going to last forever!”
In the next stage a couple may begin to think, “Gandarhava’s abducted my spouse and left me with some kind of alien.” Differences become noticeable- he’s a spender, she’s a saver; he likes spicy prasadam, she likes mild; she’s orderly, he’s disorganized etc. These differences may become annoying and at times things as small as hearing the breathing of one’s spouse from another room, or whether the seat of the privy is left in the vertical or horizontal position have been reported as sources of severe irritation. It may seem like they are often in a power struggle. Both may begin to think that everything would be alright if their spouse would only change.
However there are some things integral to each individual’s personality that will not change. Thus the plot thickens.
At this point couples are at a critical junction in their journey. If they lack skills, support and commitment their relationship can gradually spiral downward toward separation and divorce. If they have firm commitment but lack skills and support they may swerve off course and continue to live together, though perhaps not so happily every after.
On the other hand, if they have commitment, skills and support they can learn to work together as a team, honoring differences, working through challenges and live peacefully executing Krsna consciousness.
One of the inauspicious symptoms of Kali Yuga that Maharja Pariksit observed was that quarrel and strain were beginning to occur between husband and wife.[i] Judging from statistics today, marital discord is at an all time high and the sense of commitment has greatly eroded, resulting in divorce rates around the world that are alarmingly high. One nation’s parliament actually gave serious consideration to making marriage licenses a five year renewable contract, as divorce took up too much court time.
Commitment is an extremely important and powerful value. Its significance is noted in Bhagavat Gita as vyavasäyätmikä buddhi. This Sanskrit term refers to resolute determination or commitment as the active principle of spiritual life. The Grihastha ashrama is meant for devotional service for the satisfaction of the Supreme Lord Sri Krsna. In spiritual marriages this active principle of commitment becomes a sacred bond.
There are different types of commitment in marriage. One type is a constraint commitment, such as social pressures, sense of duty, financial considerations, and concerns for children’s welfare or fear of loss of contact with children, the difficulty in the steps to leave, moral factors, sacred religious vows, or a poor quality of alternatives. These constraint commitments are the like the steel guardrails on the winding scenic highway between Saranagati and Vancouver that can, in an emergency, prevent one’s car from plummeting over a cliff into the Fraser River’s rapids 200 feet below. Most marriage will face times when this power of commitment is drawn upon. Doing so gives one the strength to surmount obstacles. This is what separates sentiment from actual love.
To live exclusively in constraint commitment, however, would not be the healthiest relationship. Doing so would be like grinding my car against every guard rail on the three hour trip from Saranagati to Vancouver. There are better alternatives than relying solely on constraint commitment. A marriage can be sustained in this way, but only because partners feel duty bound or pressured to do so by external constraints.
Devoted commitment, on the other hand, is something internal. It nurtures, gives strength, energy, support and encouragement. This is the healthy sacred bond of marriage. Prabhupada asked couples he married to vow to “live together peacefully in Krsna consciousness.” Srila Prabhupada described that the nature of healthy relationships is one where the husband is energized by his wife just as Krsna is energized in the presence of Radharani. [ii]
This energy is the fruit of devoted commitment. In marriage this comes from sharing principles and values, honoring differences, working for common goals, having a reciprocal service attitude, maintaining mutual respect and appreciation, and revealing one’s mind and hearing one’s spouse in confidence. These activities, if consciously cultivated, make the home a safe haven and place of inspiration from which one can go out into the world to render service to the Lord. This refuge makes even difficult times a burden of love.
If devoted commitment in not nurtured and constraint commitment becomes the sole bond in marriage, trials and tribulations can become like the burden of the beast. Such unhealthy marriages can be filled with stress, unhappiness, resentment, strife and, in the most unfortunate circumstances, emotional and physical abuse.
Marriage is a journey, not a destination. To fulfill Srila Prabhupada’s expectations of our marriage requires a willingness to do the hard but satisfying work of making the adventure of our marriage flourish.
Recently I encountered a poem, by Ella Wheeler Wilcox, which reminded me of the importance and benefits of this sense of healthy commitment.
One ship drives east and another drives west
With the self same winds that blow.
T’is the set of the sails,
And not the gales,
That tells us the way to go.
Like the winds of the sea, are the ways of fate;
As we voyage along through life,
T’is the set of a soul
That decides its goal,
And not the calm, or the strife.
In the journey of life there can be many storms. We can be bitter, helpless victims of those squalls, sails flailing, or as Mrs. Wilcox infers, we can draw strength from the set of our soul’s commitment, take the challenge, learn new skills, tighten our sails and bear down on aspirations fostered by our principles and values. This should be especially true if we take, as the captain of our ship, the able guidance of His Divine Grace A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada.
[i] SB 1.14.4 Translation. “All ordinary transactions and dealings became polluted with cheating, even between friends. And in familial affairs, there was always misunderstanding between fathers, mothers and sons, between well-wishers, and between brothers. Even between husband and wife there was always strain and quarrel.”
[ii] “If one has got good wife, then he gets energy to work. Therefore, prakriti, she is called prakriti, energy. Similarly, this is a fact. Krishna has got also energy, the original puruña—Radharani, energy, prakriti. Krishna is engladdened in the presence of Radharani. That is nature. Similarly, a man, he becomes energized if he has got a good wife or good mother. This is the history of the whole world. Any great man in this world, you will find that behind him he has got a good wife or good mother. Prakriti, energy. That energizes. In our country how we have seen many persons. Just like Sad Guru Das Bannerjee, (indistinct), they had very good mothers, and they became very great men. Similarly, we saw one Englishman, Lord Wellington, he had a very intelligent wife and he became great man. So this prakriti is energy. By the energy of one woman, one becomes very great. That is the material arrangement. Not only material, in the spiritual world also the same thing. Just like Krishna is energized in the presence of Radharani, in the presence of Radharani. Krishna is called Madana-mohana and Radharani is called Madana-mohana-mohiné.”
(Srila Prabhupada conversation March 7/72)
Hare Krsna mataji. The following notes have been taken from the Krishna consciousness group.
The Purpose of Grihastha Ashrama
Author: H.H. Giriraja Swami
The Purpose of Grhastha Asrama
By Giriraj Swami
Most devotees are married (grhastha), and further, the grhastha asrama is the basis of all other asramas—and of the lives of our children. So we want the grhastha asrama to be as strong as possible. Recently, from December 18 to 20, we held a Couples’ Weekend in Durban, facilitated by Arcana-siddhi and her husband Karnamrita. All the participants felt enlivened by the experience. Here is my address on the opening day:
When I first joined the Boston temple in 1969, we all were quite young and not many of us were married. And we were so new to Krsna consciousness and so dependent on Srila Prabhupada that we asked him for guidance in every area. One of the lady devotees, Balai dasi, had recently gotten married and wasn’t sure what her relationship with her husband should be. She asked Srila Prabhupada, and he replied, “Just as the right hand has a relationship with the left hand through the body, so you have a relationship with your husband through Krsna, with Krsna in the center.” There is the right hand, and there is the left hand, but what connects them is the body. In this example, the right and left hands are the husband and wife, and the body is Krsna.
We had to change our consciousness, Prabhupada told us, and put Krsna at the center. That, he said, would make all the difference. When our false ego is at the center, we have so many problems, but when Krsna is at the center, our relationships become harmonious.
We come into the material world out of envy of Krsna. We want to take the position of Krsna and be the enjoyer, the controller, the proprietor. This is our mood in conditioned existence. And when we come into the material world, we end up competing not only with Krsna but also with so many other competitors of Krsna. And that egoistic mood can enter the home. We compete to be the enjoyers, the controllers, and the proprietors, and that leads to conflict—so many imitation gods fighting for supremacy.
Through the process of Krsna consciousness, our false, bodily identification is replaced by the realization of our true identity as gopi-bhartuh pada-kamalayor dasa-dasanudasah—the servant of the servant of the servant of the servant of Krsna, the maintainer of the gopis.
When a disciple asked Srila Prabhupada, “What should we do when there are conflicts among the devotees?” he replied, “If each devotee thinks, ‘I am the servant of the servant of the servant of Krsna,’ then there will be no more conflict.” The same principle applies in the home. If each family member thinks and feels, “I am the servant of the servant of the servant of Krsna,” the relationships will be very congenial. But that requires a revolution in consciousness. We are in the material world because we want to be the master of the master of the masters, and that mentality leads to frustration, disappointment, and death—repeated birth and death. Becoming the servant of the servant of the servants of Krsna leads to happiness and ultimate liberation.
Soon after I first met Srila Prabhupada and the devotees, as a university student in Boston, I heard that Srila Prabhupada’s spiritual master, Srila Bhaktisiddhanta Sarasvati Thakura, had said that when you come to Krsna consciousness you become relieved of the burden of enjoyment. I was actually feeling that burden, because every weekend there would be a very strong competition for who would enjoy the most. Leading up to the weekend, the students—and perhaps the faculty too—were making plans how to enjoy. These plans included going to restaurants, going to movies, going to shows, going to parties, going to clubs—so many plans. I didn’t really like any of those activities, and it was a burden for me to have to enjoy like the others. And then the students would ask each other, “What did you do? Where did you go?” “Oh, I went a party. We all got high and . . .” “Oh, I went out on a date and . . .”
The statement that when you become a devotee you become relieved of the burden of enjoying resonated with me. It was artificial for me to try to enjoy like that. It was artificial because as souls our real pleasure comes in relationship with the Supreme Soul. True love exists only in relation to Krsna. The Bhakti-rasamrta-sindhu defines pure love (prema) as the focusing of all one’s loving propensities and feelings on Visnu, or Krsna.
ananya-mamata visnau
mamata prema-sangata
bhaktir ity ucyate bhisma-
prahladoddhava-naradaih
“When one develops an unflinching sense of ownership or possessiveness in relation to Lord Visnu, or, in other words, when one thinks Visnu and no one else to be the only object of love, such an awakening is called bhakti [devotion] by exalted persons like Bhisma, Prahlada, Uddhava, and Narada.” (Brs 1.4.2, Cc Madhya 23.8)
There are some beautiful prayers by Queen Kunti to Lord Krsna:
atha visvesa visvatman
visva-murte svakesu me
sneha-pasam imam chindhi
drdham pandusu vrsnisu
“O Lord of the universe, soul of the universe, O personality of the form of the universe, please, therefore, sever my tie of affection for my kinsmen, the Pandavas and the Vrsnis.” (SB 1.8.40)
tvayi me ’nanya-visaya
matir madhu-pate ’sakrt
ratim udvahatad addha
gangevaugham udanvati
“O Lord of Madhu, as the Ganges forever flows to the sea without hindrance, let my attraction be constantly drawn unto You without being diverted to anyone else.” (SB 1.8.41)
As we become serious in Krsna consciousness, this really becomes our prayer: “Let my love flow to Krsna without any hindrance, just as the Ganges flows to the ocean.”
These statements—“Please sever my attachments for my family members. Let my love flow exclusively unto You without being diverted to anyone else”—raise some questions: What about other relationships? What happens to my relationships with my friends and family?
In his purport, Srila Prabhupada makes a very interesting point. He says that Kunti’s family members were devotees of Krsna. Her paternal family members, the Vrsnis, were devotees, and her sons, the Pandavas, were devotees. And affection for devotees is not outside the pale of Krsna consciousness, of pure devotional service. So when Kunti prays, “Please sever my ties of affection for my kinsmen,” she means that she wants the affection based on the body to be cut.
“Her affection for the Pandavas and the Vrsnis is not out of the range of devotional service because the service of the Lord and the service of the devotees are identical. Sometimes service to the devotee is more valuable than service to the Lord. But here the affection of Kuntidevi for the Pandavas and the Vrsnis was due to family relation. This tie of affection in terms of material relation is the relation of maya because the relations of the body or the mind are due to the influence of the external energy. Relations of the soul, established in relation with the Supreme Soul, are factual relations. When Kuntidevi wanted to cut off the family relation, she meant to cut off the relation of the skin. The skin relation is the cause of material bondage, but the relation of the soul is the cause of freedom. This relation of the soul to the soul can be established by the via media of the relation with the Supersoul.” (SB 1.8.41 purport)
There are two categories of affection—one based on the body and one based on the soul, soul-to-soul, through the medium of the Supersoul, the Supreme Soul. When Kunti prays, “Please sever my ties of affection for my kinsmen,” she means the affection that is based on the body—so that only the affection based on the soul remains. Affection based on the body leads to bondage and death, whereas affection based on the soul leads to liberation and eternal life.
So, we don’t have to give up our family relationships, but we want to purify them. We want the material aspect, which is based on the body, to be become less and less prominent and the spiritual aspect, which is based on the soul, through the medium of the Supreme Soul, to become more and more prominent. And the more the spiritual dimension of our relationships become prominent, the more they become congenial to our happiness and ultimate success in life.
One authority on marriage said, “Marriage is not supposed to make you happy. It’s supposed to make you married, and once you are safely and totally married you have a structure of security and support from which you can find your own happiness.” So we are here to work on our marriages. We are not in any illusion that marriage per se will bring us happiness, but we want to work on our marriages so that we can function well as parts of a unit, the family unit, and within the relative peace and mutual support in that unit find our own inner happiness, which is the only real happiness there is.
The marital relationship also provides the basis for the couple’s children to develop Krsna consciousness and be happy. Some time later, Srila Prabhupada wrote to Balai, “In materialistic marriages generally there are too many troubles and frustrations because the basic principle for both the husband and wife is their own personal sense gratification. Therefore there is inevitable conflict and divorce petition. But in a Krsna conscious marriage the basic principle is for both husband and wife to serve Krsna nicely and to help the partner advance in spiritual life. In this way both the husband and wife are true benefactors for one another and there is no question of any serious conflicts or separation. So I am sure that to have such nice parents who are devotees of Lord Krsna, your child Nandini is very, very fortunate. In the Bhagavad-gita Krsna instructs us that for one to be born in the family of devotees means that such person was the most pious of all living entities. So raise Nandini very carefully in Krsna consciousness, and surely Krsna will bestow all blessings upon you and your family.”
So I am happy for all of you who have come to the Couple’s Weekend. Here we have older couples and newer couples. We often hear at japa retreats, “I wish I had heard these things thirty years ago,” but better late than never. Some of the older couples here may leave thinking, “I wish I had heard these things thirty years ago,” but better late than never. And some of the younger ones may think, “I am so glad I attended this workshop so early in my marriage, for I am being guided from the very beginning about what possibilities to expect and how to deal with them.” But the soul is eternal, and Krsna consciousness is eternal, and our relationships based on Krsna consciousness are also eternal. So even if in a relative, material sense we are starting late, it is never too late, and in relation to eternal time we are just developing the proper mood of loving service that will continue into eternity.
These material bodies are just dresses for the soul. Our identities based on the body and mind are temporary and illusory. Our real identities are as loving servants of Krsna and His devotees, and whatever we are doing here in the material world is practice for our eternal life in the spiritual world, where we will serve Krsna and His devotees in ecstatic love. As Srila Prabhupada said, if a high school student is doing college-level work, he can be promoted to college. So if we are in the material world but are engaged in the activities of the spiritual world, we can be promoted to the spiritual world. The basic activity of the spiritual world, which includes chanting the holy names and glories of Sri Krsna, is to render loving service to Krsna and the other servants of Krsna. And the grhastha asrama is a suitable situation for practicing loving service, which can qualify us for eternal loving service in the spiritual world.
Hare Krishna Gopal Prabhu, please accept my humble obeisances! All glories to Srila Prabhupada!
Thank You very much for these posts, really nice and helpful!
Your servant,
Hare Krsna mataji. The following notes have been taken from the Krishna consciousness group.
Strong Marriages Have These 6 Vital Ingredients
Good communication starts with open and respectful listening.
This doesn’t mean we have to agree with what we hear, but that we listen with a mood to understand and validate. We listen with both intellect (for the content) and with heart (for the feelings). This receptive attitude builds a loving and trusting relationship.
Respect should also be the guiding principle when we speak. This means expressing our thoughts and feelings without blame, criticism or sarcasm.
Teamwork
A marital team—your spouse and you functioning as a unit to achieve your goals—is most successful when each player knows his or her individual responsibilities.
Early in the relationship, expectations should be discussed and agreed upon. Ambiguous or unspoken expectations can lead to the disappointments and resentments that erode the positive esteem between your spouse and you.
Appreciation
People feel valued when they are appreciated for who they are and what they do. When this need is not fulfilled in a marriage, your partner or you may seek it in an extramarital affair.
It is easy to take our spouse for granted and to forget how that person is special. An antidote for this complacency is, every so often, to make a list of the things you appreciate about your spouse.
Choose one or two things from your list to share with your spouse. Be creative: leave a surprise phone message, a special e-mail or a note in your spouse’s lunch bag!
Faithfulness
An extra-marital affair can devastate a marriage. Nothing compares to the pain and breach of trust of infidelity. Such damage is often irreparable, even if the couple remains together.
If your marriage is strong, there is less chance that infidelity will be an issue, but it is still important to prevent situations that could make you vulnerable to an affair. Avoid confiding intimately or spending time alone with a person of the opposite sex.
Financial stability
Couples often get themselves into financial trouble by buying now and then struggling to pay later. Such difficulties stress a marriage and are a contributing factor to divorce.
Find a good book or attend a seminar that can help you learn to budget so that you live within your means. Manage your money or it may dismantle your marriage.
A spiritual economic principle is to give a percentage of our income back to God. Everything comes from the Lord, and we express our gratitude by giving to Him without expecting anything in return. And, while we may have no expectations, when we give to the Lord He returns it manifold.
Quality time
We spend time with the things that are important to us, the things we value. Making time for our relationship communicates that we are committed to and value our marriage.
Your spouse and you can make a list of activities you each like to do and then regularly do things together that you both enjoy.
Hare Krsna mataji. The following notes have been taken from the Krishna consciousness group.
10 Tips for Fostering Mutual Respect and Appreciation
Author: Sridevi Dasi
In today’s rough and tumble world, practicing courtesy, kindness and respect may seem out of place but NOT for us devotees trying to purify our lives! For us, it is imperative to practice these as ‘devotional service begins at home.’ It is so easy to lose respect and appreciation for each other due to the challenges of familiarity, conflicts, stress, unexpected events such as guests, illness, financial downs, hormonal changes, natural disasters, and even more serious ones such a shaky relationship, abuse or infidelity. These last 3 mentioned need marriage counseling and reading these tips and acting on them may be appropriate in the maintenance stage after your relationship has healed, not used as a substitute.
Practicing respect and appreciation is not easy but the rewards are tremendous! It helps us become more loving, closer to Guru and Krsna and it ultimately takes us to the spiritual world where we all want to be. Acquiring divine qualities in turn brings us into a state of bliss and peace.
Hence we wanted you to join in this adventure called growing in spiritual life by sharing some tips with you. Feel free to add whatever you think works for you.
GENERAL TIPS
ALWAYS try to see your partner/ dependents as gifts from Krsna, meant to be in your life for your spiritual benefit. ALWAYS keep Krsna in the center. ALWAYS visualize yourself and your partner close together at the base of an isosceles triangle, with KRSNA at the apex, this helps to feel connected even during stressful times. ALWAYS decrease stress by taking good care of your self, include exercise, good nutrition and refreshing sleep as MUSTS. ALWAYS prepare for unexpected events by drawing up a mutually agreed on plan, and develop a sense of humor!
Our loved ones are our ‘PRANA’ [life] and this acronym may be useful to you. PRINT OUT AND PLACE WHERE YOU CAN SEE IT DAILY AND MEDITATE ON IT.
Tip No. 1
PRACTICE respect and appreciation everyday either saying or doing something that honors the people in your life, including children, parents, elders etc. Say, ‘I am so blessed to have you in my life.’ Or ‘May I show you how much I love you/appreciate you by______[ helping you clean the dishes/mow the lawn?]”and then do something loving.
Tip No. 2
RESTORE healing in relationships by forgiving and seeking forgiveness, repenting and making amends and trying not to hurt again. Simply expressing sincere regret by saying, ‘I am so sorry, please forgive me’ is very powerful provided you really mean it.
Tip No. 3
AWARENESS of one’s challenges and working on one’s weaknesses is essential for us to grow out of unhealthy patterns of behavior. Inform your spouse that you are working on hurting behaviors and ask for feedback.
Tip No. 4
NURTURE growth by spending good, quality time with the people in your life. Ask them what they’d like you to say/do and NOT what you think is good for them!
Tip No. 5
ACCEPT that progress takes time, patience, determination, consistency and mercy.
You want to develop divine qualities and become a ‘DEVA’ so use this acronym to help you progress!
Tip No. 6
DEVELOP an “attitude of gratitude” for all the positive effects your spouse and other loved ones bring into your life.
Tip No. 7
EVALUATE your self from time to time by requesting an honest appraisal from your loved ones about your attempts- have they noticed a decrease in anger, blaming, criticizing and an increase in listening, appreciation, respect?
Tip No. 8
VALUE each loved one by telling/showing/doing something for them that conveys how they add value to your life such as a hug, a kiss, a card, doing/sharing a chore, writing a love letter, going for a walk with them, reading a book together etc.
Tip No. 9
ACTIVE LISTENING- empathize, empathize, empathize! Practice empathy! Practice what it feels like to be in your loved one’s shoes and practice listening skills. Reflect what your partner is speaking, to convey that you understand. Listening actively and empathetically is the single most important gift of love that conveys respect and appreciation.
Tip No. 10
Respect, love and appreciate YOURSELF! Reward yourself for every step you move forward in growing into the loving, exemplary devotee KRSNA wants you to be! Enjoy your growth and share your joy!
Hare Krsna mataji. The following notes have been taken from the Krishna consciousness group.
Vedic Scriptural Verses, Prabhupada's Commentaries, and quotes from other Vaishnava Acharya's About Married Life
But we shall always do everything in cooperative spirit and avoid any fighting amongst us, that is Vaisnava attitude because Lord Caitanya has advised us to always offer all respects to others, especially to the devotees of the Lord.
Letter to Jagadisa das, Hyderbhad, Nov. 18, 1972
A devotee should see that because Krsna is present in everyone's heart as Paramatma, every body is the embodiment or the temple of the Supreme Lord; so as one offers respect to the temple of the Lord, he should similarly properly respect each and every body in which the Paramatma dwells. Everyone should therefore be given proper respect and should not be neglected.
Bhagavad gita 9.11 Purport
The wife of King Puraïjana was lying on the ground because she was neglected by her husband. Actually the woman must always be protected by her husband. We always speak of the goddess of fortune as being placed on the chest of Narayana. In other words, the wife must remain embraced by her husband. Thus she becomes beloved and well protected. Just as one saves his money and places it under his own personal protection, one should similarly protect his wife by his own personal supervision. Just as intelligence is always within the heart, so a beloved chaste wife should always have her place on the chest of a good husband. This is the proper relationship between husband and wife. A wife is therefore called ardhangani, or half of the body. One cannot remain with only one leg, one hand or only one side of the body. He must have two sides. Similarly, according to nature's way, husband and wife should live together.
Srimad Bhagavatam 4.26.17 Purport
Marriage between husband and wife means that the husband must forever be responsible for the wife's well-being and protection in all cases. That does not mean that now there is agreement between us, therefore I am responsible, but as soon as there is some disagreement then I immediately flee the scene and become so-called renounced. Whether your husband likes to take responsibility as your spiritual guide or not, that does not matter. He must do it. It is his duty because he has taken you as his wife. Therefore he must take full responsibility for you the rest of his life. And you also must agree to serve him under all circumstances and assist him in every way so that he may make advancement in Krsna Consciousness. By his making advancement in Krsna Consciousness, automatically the wife will make advancement in the husband's footsteps.
Letter to Sudevi, September 15, 1972, Los Angeles
Wife can serve husband only if he lets her live.If he kills her in one of the violent abusive episodes, the opportunity (for the wife) to serve or protect( for the husband) is lost....
Hare Krsna...Please Accept my Humble Obeisances
Very much inspiring words Bhaktin Maral mataji....
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