Hare Krishna,
What is the Krishna Conscious solution for violent and abusive relationships?
Should a woman leave her husband? Will it not be a Vaishnava aparadha? What is the husband is not at all a devotee to start with and neither is aspiring to be one? Will leaving consitute bad karma?
Replies
Siddhartha Prabhu,
If the calamity of one person can become a learning opportunity for many, such calamities are always welcome.
On the day of the major violent episode, the woman dreamt of her being in an Krishna temple and Radha Krishna deities were beaming as some good was to follow.Since this incident, eventhough materially she is not with her husband, her association with devotees has increased and so has chanting.
Just as Queen Kunti said, if calamities bring us closer to krishna, then we must pray for such calamities.
Hari Bol.
Hare Krsna mataji. The following notes have been taken from the Krishna consciousness group.
12 Principles of Grihastha Ashram.
1. Alignment with Srila Prabhupada
• Krishna Conscious family life is consistent with the teachings and example of Srila Prabhupada.
• Srila Prabhupada’s teachings must be applied with consideration of time, place and circumstance.
• In the field of grihastha life, one should take into account the local culture without compromising Srila Prabhupada’s teachings. One should not attempt to simply transpose practices from one culture to another without understanding the principles and values underpinning them.
2. Spiritual Growth and Progress
• Family life (and the home itself) should be an ashrama, a place for spiritual culture.
• The grihastha ashrama is considered higher than the brahmachari ashrama, an opportunity for personal and spiritual growth by extending one’s responsibility.
• Mutual respect between the ashramas is an essential feature of a healthy society.
• Personal growth and character formation are integral to the process of spiritual development.
• Though Vaisnava theology values ultimate renunciation, such renunciation has to be internal and mature. Otherwise it is inappropriate and may be dangerous both individually and socially.
3. Spiritual Equality / Material Difference
• The Gaudiya Vaisnava theology offers a clear conceptual model to address issues of unity and diversity, and contemporary notions of equality and underpinning views and values.
• Men and women exhibit general physical and psychological differences that need to be acknowledged as practical realities, while simultaneously avoiding rigid and/or unhealthy stereotypes.
• Husband and wife best negotiate their respect roles with consideration of Krishna Consciousness and their own personal and cultural backgrounds.
• Men and women have equal rights to practice spiritual life, and to develop their individual relationships with Krishna.
• Householders are advised to integrate as far as possible their material and spiritual identities. Even though the latter is ultimately more important, a devotee should not neglect self-understanding on the material level.
4. Positive and Realistic Vision
• One should enter the grihastha ashrama with the correct attitudes and expectations, especially being careful to avoid misinterpretation of scriptural truths and/or being influenced by inappropriate personal/social paradigms.
• One should, as far as possible, avoid both negative attitudes and unrealistic expectations towards married life—both may dampen one’s enthusiasm. It is also essential to hold before oneself suitable criteria for “a successful marriage.”
• Marriage should be chosen for the appropriate reasons for example, out of a sense of one’s individual dharma rather than a mentality of profit-calculation.
• Long-term vision and strategic planning are important aspects of householder life while simultaneously maintaining a mood of dependence on Krishna.
• Support from elders, as far as possible/practical, is important in entering into any marriage arrangement.
5. Mutual Respect and Appreciation
• Respect for all others is a basic Vaisnava value.
• Without mutual appreciation, it is not possible to develop more intimate relationships. A decline in appreciation will lead to a deteriorating relationship.
• One should visibly appreciate the spouse, even (or especially) for regularly-performed or obligatory duties.
• One should learn to develop intimacy without familiarity.
• Grihasthas should develop a sense of mutual protection though this may be expressed in different ways by/for each partner.
6. Commitment and Dedication
• With determination and unshakable commitment one can surmount the inevitable hard times that come in married life.
• Affection and love don’t happen automatically as in the popularized concept of romantic love but are developed through service.
• Divorce should be avoided at all costs, i.e. except in exceptional circumstances.
7. Open and Honest Communication
• One should set aside quality time for heart to heart communications with the spouse and children.
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Lesson Two Principles and Values
• Revealing one’s heart/mind in confidence, and listening, are important exchanges between Vaisnavas.
• One should maintain open dialogues with appropriate others, and avoid denial, especially on sensitive issues, e.g. intimacy and sex-life.
• It is often useful to actively seek training in communications skills.
8. Personal and Social Responsibility
• Entering the grihastha ashram is an opportunity to take on more Krishna Conscious responsibility.
• Devotees, as servants of Krishna, are also servants of society.
• Devotees can preach effectively by demonstrating responsibility, integrity, and other exemplary qualities.
• Taking suitable responsibility is essential in overcoming negative emotions and perceptions, such as low self-esteem, discouragement, feelings of failure, etc.
9. Economic Development and Prosperity
• An important householder duty is to generate wealth and prosperity by ethical means.
• A householder should not neglect his duties regarding wealth and developing economic stability. Poverty, as well as greed, can be impediments to spiritual life.
• A devotee should avoid an unhealthy poverty-mentality, understanding the potential benefits of prosperity, both individually and to promote Krishna Consciousness.
• Charity is an essential duty for grihasthas.
10. Focus on Children’s Welfare
• Nurturing spiritually qualified children is the main purpose of married life, and their welfare is the main priority of householders.
• Children should not be neglected for any reason, e.g. in the name of so-called spiritual life. Parents should recognize the difference between a children’s various legitimate and essential needs and their “wants.”
• Financial stability is necessary to help fulfil children’s needs.
• Proactive steps must be taken to avoid all forms of child abuse.
• Parents best develop affection and a sense of protection and responsibility towards all children in the community, not just their own offspring.
• Krishna Consciousness should be made relevant and accessible to children, especially teens.
• Hypocrisy is most damaging to children’s faith in the Krishna Conscious process and the corresponding authority figures.
• Parents should accept appropriate support and training in regards to rearing children.
11. Family Love and Affection
• It is natural to have affection for others, and especially other Vaisnavas. Krishna consciousness does not accrue from simply negating or stifling worldly-affection; nor are family ties necessarily an impediment to Krishna Consciousness.
• A stable emotional background, where family members feel wanted and appreciated, is essential for children’s personal and spiritual growth.
• There is great value in a strong sense of community, as traditionally expressed through the extended family.
12. Regulated, Balanced & Exemplary Lifestyle
• Regulation is an important feature of devotee life, especially for householders who have to juggle many different types of responsibility.
• Devotees moving to the second ashram should anticipate significant changes in lifestyle. Some difficulties in establishing a balanced and regulated lifestyle are to be expected, and one should seek suitable support and guidance.
• Householders require recreation and social life, and should develop suitable means, such as spiritually based social gatherings.
• Household life is to facilitate regulated sense-enjoyment. A householder should maintain healthy attitudes towards sense-enjoyments, demonstrating neither strong attraction nor inappropriate aversion.
• Householders should maintain their spiritual priorities (e.g. sadhana), as well as upholding their more-worldly obligations.
• Suitable engagement with the world is often an integral part of both personal growth and outreach —preaching.
• Preaching without practical example is not effective. Devotee householders should demonstrate such exemplary lifestyles that others become inquisitive as to what underlies their success.
• Role models, especially in the form of successful grihasthas, are very much needed within the Society.
• Devotee householders should negotiate and establish their own lifestyles, with reference to Krishna Conscious principles and values with consideration of their individual natures, needs, backgrounds, etc.
Hare Krsna mataji. I have added a lot of reading matter concerning marriage and connected with marriage.
Thanks Prabhu ji. I have commented in some places (under specific posts).Please reply if possible.
Hare Krsna mataji. The following notes have been taken from the Krishna consciousness group.
The Consequences of Divorce
General trends found in situations resulting from divorce
* Parental Loss – with divorce children lose a parent, and with this loss they also lose the knowledge, skills and resources (emotional, financial, etc.) of that parent.
* Economic Loss – with divorce children living in single parent families are less likely to have as many economic resources as children living in intact families.
* More Life Stress – divorce often results in many changes in children's living situations such as changing schools, child care, homes, etc. Children often also have to make adjustments to changes in relationships with friends and extended family members. These changes create a more stressful environment for children.
* Poor Parental Adjustment – generally how children fare in families is due in part to the mental health of the parents; this is likely to be true for children in divorced families as well.
* Lack of Parental Competence – much of what happens to children in general is related to the skill of parents in helping them develop. The competence of parents following divorce is likely to have considerable influence on how the children are doing.
* Exposure to Inter-parental Conflict – conflict is frequently part of families and may be especially common in families that have undergone divorce. The degree to which children are exposed to conflict may have substantial effects on children's well-being.
Research has revealed the following outcomes for children of divorced parents:
* Children whose parents have divorced are increasingly the victims of abuse. They exhibit more health, behavioural, and emotional problems, are involved more frequently in crime and drug abuse, and have higher rates of suicide.
* Children of divorced parents perform more poorly in reading, spelling, and math. They also are more likely to repeat a grade and to have higher drop-out rates and lower rates of college graduation.
* Families with children that were not poor before the divorce see their income drop as much as 50 percent. Almost 50 percent of the parents with children that are going through a divorce move into poverty after the divorce.
* Religious worship, which has been linked to better health, longer marriages, and better family life, drops after the parents divorce.
More than 30 years of research reveals that divorce seldom leads to a better life.
* Life expectancies for divorced men / women are significantly lower than for married people.
* A recent study found those who were unhappy but remained married were more likely to be happy five years later than those who divorced.
* The health consequences of divorce are so severe that a Yale researcher concluded “being divorced and a non-smoker is [only] slightly less dangerous than smoking a pack a day and staying married.”
* After a diagnosis of cancer, married people are most likely to recover, while the divorced are least likely to recover, indicating that the emotional trauma of divorce has a long-term impact on the physical health of the body.
* Men and women both suffer a decline in mental health following divorce, but researchers have found that women are more greatly affected. Some of the mental health indicators affected by divorce include depression, hostility, self-acceptance, personal growth and positive relations with others.
Hare Krsna mataji. The following notes have been taken from the Krishna consciousness group.
Letters From Shrila Prabhupada to Disciples About Children
Letter to Arundhati dasa, July 30, 1972
"Child-worship is more important than deity-worship. If you cannot spend time with him, then stop the duties of pujari. At least you must take good care of your son until he is four years old, and if after that time you are unable any more to take care of him then I shall take care. These children are given to us by Krishna, they are Vaishnavas and we must be very careful to protect them. These are not ordinary children, they are Vaikuntha children, and we are very fortunate we can give them chance to advance further in Krishna Consciousness. That is very great responsibility, do not neglect it or be confused."
Letter to Upendra dasa, December 8, 1968
"We require so many householders to set the example for others, how in Krishna consciousness we can live peacefully, even in married life. Also we require so many Krishna conscious children to show how nicely and beautifully a child can develop when he is following the principles of God consciousness."
Letter to Krishna devi dasi, August 21, 1968
"Regarding the child problem: I may inform you that all children born of the Krishna conscious parents are welcome and I want hundreds of children like that. Because in future we expect to change the face of the whole world, because the child is the father of man."
ibid., November 2, 1969
"It is very good news that Vishnu-arati is advancing nicely in Krishna consciousness and I know that you and your husband will always do your best to bring her up on the right path of Krishna consciousness. To raise one soul to Krishna consciousness is counted by Krishna as a very great service, so you do this duty very carefully and Krishna will certainly bestow His blessings upon you."
Letter to Jagadisha dasa, July 9, 1970
"Now you husband and wife must work together combinedly with great responsibility for raising your new child in ideal Krishna consciousness. Children learn by imitation of their, so if you both set Krishna conscious example the child will very naturally and easily become advanced in Krishna consciousness by following."
Hare Krsna mataji. The following notes have been taken from the Krishna consciousness group.
The Importance of Understanding Family Dynamics
Author: Matsyavatara Prabhu
I believe that family life, the grihastha asrama, is a theme of universal interest. Some will get married and some will not, some will have children and some will not. But even those who don't get married and those who have already surpassed this phase of life will greatly benefit by knowing the basic dynamics, the rapport of weights and measures, and the values of family life in the Vedic-Vaishnava civilization.
In the past so much damage has been done by people who tried, disastrously, to handle the life of others without positive experience or training in the dynamics of marriage relationships. Therefore those directly involved in family life—as well as those who have to come in touch with those directly involved—should know about the fundamental principles and values on which family relations are based. To know such fundamentals of the grihastha asrama is an integral part of spiritual realization, not because it's in itself something spiritual, but because it's a social organization favorable to spiritual realization.
Even those who renounce family life for a more elevated aim will always be in touch with those in family life. Directly or indirectly everyone is interested in family life, either because one is married, or because one plans to form a family, or because one has brothers, sisters, sons, daughters, or parents in family life. In this way this asrama is fundamental and is not completely avoidable even for those who desire to live as brahmacaris—a very noble commitment and intention.
From Krishna's point of view there is no difference whatsoever between brahmacari asrama, grihastha asrama, vanaprastha asrama and sannyasa asrama. These are four positions or stages of life in which one places oneself for self-realization. The goal of life is not to become sannyasi or brahmacari, or to become grihastha or vanaprastha. The goal of life is self-realization.
However, it is necessary to spend time speaking of the grihastha asrama because in this stage of life many people complicate their problems and their relationships. Many people have therefore proposed alternative arrangements to married life but they all have been appalling disasters. Family life is certainly the most complex stage in terms of interface with the world. One has to deal with economy and with a whole series of connections and relationships—sometimes extremely difficult—such as children, parents, brothers and sisters.
Delivering One's Dependents
A parent's ultimate responsibility
Question: In the Fifth Canto of Shrimad-Bhagavatam Rishabhadeva states: “One who cannot deliver his dependents from the path of repeated birth and death should never become a spiritual master, a father, a husband, a mother or a worshipable demigod.” [SB 5.5.18] Could you comment?
We can't force anyone to go to the spiritual world but we can honestly take the responsibility of doing whatever is possible to help a person to untie his or her karmic bonds. It happened that I had to advice people in debt. Their real problem is not the debt with the bank or with somebody else; their problem is their behavior and their mentality, structurally wrong. If someone in a moment of generosity would pay back their debts, they would continue to incur in debt anyway, because insolvency is ingrained in their character. They do things in the wrong way and produce debts. This is similar with karmic debts; it comes from the same source: errors inside, a deformed mind.
This statement by Rishabhadeva means that we should do our best to rectify people's mind. Diseases, for instance, are other types of debts but the dynamics are the same. There is no such thing as good and bad luck; what exists is the way of doing things, the mood, the quality of the mind and of the intellect. We have to analyze the vasanas or the latent desires. When the latent desires are negative, the negative eventually comes out. Someone may accumulate money and not make economic debts, but the same person may make debts in his relationships. A person might create enemies left and right, and those are extremely heavy debts. Other people are very capable in the field of relationships but whatever they do and touch ends in disaster. These are also debts. Therefore the sastras teach that we should control the senses, for life becomes risky when even a single sense breaks free.
Have you seen the dependence of the smoker, who surreptitiously gets away to go and have a cigarette? Have you seen the character-deformation of an alcoholic, or of a cocaine-addict, or of a gambler? They live in great suffering and with great internal conflict. The gambler knows that he is destroying his life and the life of those around him. Well-equipped casinos in the past had a room with a notary ready to write the will of a complete loser and provide him a place to commit suicide. Gamblers know that gambling is bad; they cry and bang their head into the wall; they know that by playing they ruin themselves and their families, but it overwhelms them.
Similar dynamics are there for the women- or men-hunters, the assaulters of others' purity. Therefore we should educate people to control their senses from childhood. This is what Rishabhadeva is saying. And one must have self-control himself, otherwise how can he educate others? How someone who smokes can tell another to stop?
So Rishabhadeva says that one who assumes the responsibility for others should be able to guarantee them liberation—guarantee it from his side—but they are not wood-heads, they are not automatons; they can choose. Everyone has to endeavor, but the leader should educate others to be free from the conditioning of the six degrading impulses: the urge to speak, the mind’s demands, the actions of anger and the urges of the tongue, belly and genitals. In this sense the husband, the father, the mother should be gurus, even if they don't know the sacred science in depth.
From a lecture by Matsyavatara Prabhu. Translated from the Italian by Kaunteya Das
Hare Krsna mataji. The following notes have been taken from the Krishna consciousness group.
Eight Principles of Prosperity
1. Recognition of God – The Supreme Owner
Act with the understanding that everything belongs to God. At best, we are careful stewards of God’s resources, energies and talents. At worst, we are deluded and become cheaters and thieves who claim another’s property as our own.
2. Careful Stewardship
Since everything belongs to God, shouldn’t we use God’s resources in His service? Prosperous people consciously perform their duties taking care of self, family and community as an act of worship. Realize you’ve been entrusted with family, talents, wealth, etc., that are really not your own. Prosperous people “plan their work and work their plan,” through budgeting, keeping good financial records, and reacting a vision of their prosperity through goal setting.
3. Thriftiness
“Waste not, want not”. Consider that everything you waste has consequences, such as producing scarcity. Sometimes just a little care or thoughtfulness will prevent great waste. We get information from scriptures and saints that there is no waste in the eternal spiritual world. Increasing prosperity requires reducing waste.
4. Give and you may receive
This is perhaps the most misunderstood principle of prosperity. Tithing or regularly and consistently giving of your net income to further good causes and assist the needy is a fundamental principle. This tithing is an investment in the divine bank of the universe. Sometimes when we feel scarcity, there is a tendency to hoard. This is really the time to give. Giving of your time is also important.
5. Live a regulated, disciplined life
“Early to bed, early to ride makes a person healthy, wealthy and wise” (Benjamin Franklin). Organize regular prayer, time for the family and donation to charity.
6. Live simply, but think highly
Adopting a simple lifestyle, give up the tendency to over-collect, to buy things we don’t need and to hanker for what others have. Simplicity leaves room for more important things.
7. Cultivate a “prosperity consciousness”; eliminate the “poverty consciousness”
Realize that God, our Creator, our best well-wisher, wants us to prosper. It is directly the will of Providence that we have abundant health and the capacity to care for ourselves and fulfil our responsibilities. Prosperity consciousness means practicing all these 8 principles consistently and regularly without neglecting any.
8. Share your success with others
Be an example for another. Teach someone how to do what you have done. Share the benefit of your successful techniques and skills with others.
Hare Krsna mataji. The following notes have been taken from the Krishna consciousness group.
Ways to Be a Better Dad
Have a great relationship with your child’s mother
Research shows that children do best when their loving, biological parents raise them. If you are married, make your relationship the best it can be. Read books on marriage, take seminars, join a couple’s support group, or get counseling from a professional.
If you are no longer married to your child’s mother, then work on having a positive relationship with her. Children identify strongly and feel loyalties with both parents. When there is conflict, children are often caught in the middle and pressured to take sides. This harms the children’s sense of self and their ability to have healthy relationships. If your relationship is strained, do whatever works to improve it.
Spend quality and quantity time with your child
Both you and your children benefit when they are a priority in your life. You will feel the satisfaction of seeing them develop and your children will feel valued and encouraged to develop well. Some fathers say their children are important, but this means little if they have no time for them.
Spending time with our children when they are small is like depositing money in a relationship bank account. When they reach adolescence, the bond we have built will protect our children from negative activities, make them more likely to succeed in their education and will help them have positive relationships with their peers.
Do things together that foster God consciousness
There are many activities we can do with our children that will help them to become conscious of the Lord and to respect His magnificent creation. Here are some ideas:
Be a good role model
A famous cliché says that behavior speaks louder than words. Once in India, a mother brought her child to see a saint and asked him to tell her child to stop eating sugar. The saint told the mother and child to return in a week. When they did so, the saint said to the child, “Stop eating sugar.” The mother thanked him and asked why they had to come back before he would instruct. He said, “First I had to stop eating sugar myself.”
To effectively teach our children positive behavior, we must first set a good example for them to follow.
Show your love
Physical affection is essential for the psychological and physical well being of your child. It is well documented that infants die and children fail to thrive without enough physical touch. Lots of hugs, handholding and pats on the head are important non-verbal ways to express love. These gestures communicate how special and valuable your child is to you.
Ways to Be a Better Dad is written by Arcana-siddhi dasi
Gopal Prabhu please accept my sincere obeisances! No words to describe it.
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