Hare Krishna,
What is the Krishna Conscious solution for violent and abusive relationships?
Should a woman leave her husband? Will it not be a Vaishnava aparadha? What is the husband is not at all a devotee to start with and neither is aspiring to be one? Will leaving consitute bad karma?
Replies
Hare Krishna dear Nama Priya Mataji, please accept my humble obeisances! All glories to Srila Prabhupada!
Tulasi had a demon husband but she even though remained chaste to him because of that she became so powerful that even could "control" over Lord Vishnu.
Family can be saved even only by the effort of a wife. Even though the husband is drunker, drug user, looser, fool...if she is chaste she can make him wise, strong, and send back to Godhead.
You do not believe to this???
Here the word "chaste" means not only not to look to other men but also to perform women's duties like:
--respect to a husband even though he is the last person in the whole world
--household cleanliness
--nice cooking
--to take care of children, by respecting their father mother should teach children also to respect him. other wise maybe this time they especially sons listen to mother, but when they get physically strong they won't listen to her. and they will become bad guys. but if they are thought to respect the father, then later they will respect teachers, Spiritual master and God. so root starts from mother.
--be satisfied with everything which husband brings to home. if she has 3 sarees, she should be satisfied with them. If they get old, some wholes will appear then she will sew and wear. here the main point not to become sooo poor but to be satisfied and do not demand more than he brings home. in the reality if she does so, then seeing her pitiful condition husband himself will bring to her not 3 but 30 sarees. he is a human, and he has heart, but he does not like to listen orders of a wife. he always wants to be a king. so let him to be so and you will become a queen.
--always to try to speak softly, and not heart breaking words. words and tone of pronouncing them plays very big role in association.
Again, any woman can change her husband, but to good side or bad is her choice. Men are simple.
You are two souls in one body. Divorce means to cut the body into 2 parts :-(
Srila Prabhupada, told only in extremely bad situations one should do divorce in other cases NO WAY!
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why in this world some personalities become our husband, mother, sister, friend, children? It means we have debts to these people. for example, one's worst enemy can take birth as one's child and whole life soak his/her blood in the forms of money, energy.
we are in this world only we have debt to others. when only we become free from those debts then only will be able to leave this world.
You can leave Your husband now, but You will not work Your karma, and this karma will come to You again. Good way is to solve the problem now not keeping for the next lives.
and how to solve?
firstly, we have to change ourselves, our material consciousness into Krishna Consciousness. Krishna is in the center, all living entities are greater than me, i am the servant's servant. and my duty is to serve, to give without any expectation in return.
If he is not a devotee, and You are, then at least try to have human relationships as was told in the beginning which begins with respect.
difficulties are just to make us stronger, please do not neglect them. Krishna sends to us difficulties in that power which we are able to pass, not more and less. He knows how much we are strong or weak.
Your servant,
Haribol,
Thanks for reply. I totally understand the 'debt' part, but how much is too much?The abuse has been there for past 9-10 years in the forms of severe beating physically not to speak of verbal and emotional abuse. Few times the physical abuse has become violent enough to become fatal for the victim. The wife is trying to be submissive and maintain the Krishna conscious role, but the kids are taking it totally in a negative way.The boy has started showing signs of an abusive personality(copying his father) and the girl has started believeing that all girls are servants of men.
What would you suggest in such cases.The wife is a devotee so she wouldn't think of divorce unless spiritual master suggests so, or Krishna himself tells her in a dream etc, but right now they are physically separated.
Please advise, this is a unique situation.The reason, the woman is even thinking 1% about separation is the kids.Their behavior is not being benefitted in the total family role and also one of the violence episodes could leave them orphaned for life.
Also what would be the extreme situations when Srila Prabhupada would have suggested separation?
yes, we see situation went to deep but it is better to start late then never ever.
What we understand under "submissiveness"? it does not mean that when husband does something to you which you do not like you should be quite and tolerate it. No! whatever you dislike in his actions you have to open your heart. it happens like this, for example:
he goes out to his friends and drinks. it means he is not satisfied with the atmosphere at home and wants fulfill those emotions outside with those friends who little bit respect him and listen to him, and trust to him. each of us need someone who trusts us, respects us. but if wife followed children do not do so to husband and father then he will leave home.
here wife should find one good time, maybe after one nice lunch, and as like a friend to friend say to him that she does not like when he is not at home for long times, that it would be better if he spends that time with children and with her at home. but even though he likes to go out to drink then"it is your wish" "if you are happy drinking with your friends then you can do, but i really want you to be at home, but if you are happy i will be also happy. Because you have free will : to drink or not to drink. i can not control you, even though i love you and accept as you are..."
children firstly copy mother. first thing mother should understand that father should be respected and she should show by her examples how to respect father. for example, from the real life of one successful family:
She was not extra beautiful, she was not pop model, not so much educated, did not earn money...she was just a wife and mother but very beloved wife and mother. how? once, evening she was at the kitchen, children were playing in other room, father arrived home, she greeted him with smile. he told that he got his salary and gave it to her. she took money and called children. when they all were together she told: "dear kids, look, today your father worked so hard and brought this money home, just because he loves us..." children embraced him.......
Dear Nama Priya Mataji, please, understand one thing! husband does not like when wife is hiding some thoughts and feeling. if You feel pain You just sit together and explain to him, if needed cry as like a child little bit. do not force Your family members to follow Your Krishna Consciousness. When they see Your good behavior they will automatically will start to follow You. just time and patience. First good association then chanting will be blissful.
what is respect?
lets start with something small:
--to ask husband what does he wants today for lunch. knowing his desire to cook what he loves.
--to ask what color cloth he would like to wear tomorrow, white? then iron it and give.
--to ask if he needs food for lunch for his work if yes then cook and pack.
--whatever you want to buy for kids or for yourself you just first ask permission if you can use this amount of money.
--to pray for him.
--and again any secret from him
--do not discuss about his bad qualities with even friends.
Your servant,
also please listen the next lectures of His Holiness Bhakti Vidya Purna Swami Maharaja. He very expertly speaks about grihastha life and associations.
http://audio.iskcondesiretree.info/index.php?q=f&f=%2F02_-_ISKC...
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