I am here to ashamedly pronounce that I am under the influence of Cannabis and participate in my spiritual education into Krsna Consciousness from my home and by the literature of Sri Prabhupada's books, chanting and online literature.
Sometimes it seem's that smoking pot induces my creative energy for Krsna, but I'm afraid of chanting the mantra in the mannor that it can be like sipping poison as construed in one of Swami Praphupada's videos contexts; https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ypjl8jK9HHc&index=4&list=FLQJjqOw2Z0zTR3yQGIOCx7A
I do bhakti creative works when im intoxicated that draw me deep into the philosophy and text, my mind is usually to weak to chant, but I can't seemingly conquer my urge to intoxicate, although I do make spiritual progress into going for longer without giving in. Maybe its not spiritual progress but a mockery - Im afraid and trying to become pure in my actions.
I just wanted to say this and wonder if anyone has any advice for me. I'm trying to become liberated but it's taking more time. The first Hare Krishna Ive ever met described some as being incurable and sometimes i feel like that. The deeper I study the more love and control I have, but I think maybe it is kind of poisonous if I don't do it with clear headedness...
Please someone help me and let me know your struggle.
edit: i would like to add I just flushed all my weed down the toilet - progress