Hare Krsna dear Devotees,PAMHO,AGTSP,I would request senior Matajis to solve this problem of mine.My in-laws side including my husband are very orthodox in their beliefs. They tell me to sit aside during my monthly periods without touching anything in house. Also I should not be cooking for them and also for me during this time.I should eat from restaurants during these three days.When my marriage got fixed, my in-laws did not discuss this point with my parents and after the engagement , my husband insisted on me following this custom without fail else it will affect his family lineage.Since my engagement got fixed and breaking it amounts to cheating someone, I decided to go ahead with it.My source of constant stress is..my husband and me only stay, seperate from in-laws, there is no one to cook prasadam or home made food for me during my periods. I have to look out in restaurants, which I dont like to. I like to prepare at home and eat but not allowed to enter kitchen since ill be contaminating it.Also, I should not be touching any thing in house including clothes but just sit aside during these three days.Even I am not allowed to move freely in my home but just sit in a corner.This makes me more frustated.They say ur impure and u need to be given rest during this time. I agree to this statement only in words. It is not practical to follow in this fast pace life.My husband has a 9-9pm job, no one else to support me, he is not ready to appoint a cook also saying my mother and co-sister too manage without a cook. You are not a queen to get special services. I should not even touch clothes and he only should give it to me during these days. The source of frustation is, he has a very hectic office schedule, no time to look after my needs during my monthly days yet stubbonly insists on following this custom anyhow along with my in-laws side.He says, u will not get a child if you dont follow this, as ur breaking the family tradition.I never want to cheat anyone including my husband, always I want to speak the truth, but when i come to my mother's house( the custom is not followed there), it becomes difficult for me to follow. He insists that I take a bath and wash all my clothes before coming to my house which is near impossible since my parents don't believe in this. Today is Ekadashi, i have heard, we should not lie on this day. I m at my mother's house now and my husband has requested me to come with clean clothes( not possible as told above).Please tell me how should i handle this case ethically? Since I dont want to incurr any sin at any cost.Please note, i have tried explaining him my discomforts and unpracticality to follow this yet he and his family is bent upon me following this.My husband and in-laws also had a fight with my parents for not teaching this custom to me and they think my mother instigates me not to follow this custom. My parents have distanced from this case.I have become helpless now with no one to support me.Is this as per scriptures?Please guide me senior matajis, since i dont want to be unfaithful to my husband and at the same make him understand the inconveniances I face. Is this custom vaild in today's age.I am confused what is right and what is wrong.Haribol.
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Sorry, I am not senior in any respect, still attempting to answer your questions to the extent practical.
If they dont allow you to touch, what can you do - pls make full use of these 3 days every month - chant on beads (nobody can stop you from that), read spiritual books (if they dont allow you to touch books saying its scriptures, read on the net, on your phone, pls download pocketvedas and keep it handy on your phone. This will go a long way to reduce the frustration. Plan to go out shopping in this time - do a lot of window shopping or research in shopping for your needs. Meet friends. Dont have to tell him everything - anyways he is out of the house from 9 to 9, you do your own thing na.
Now regarding the practical aspect of who will cook - doesnt your husband cook? You mentioned food for you have to come from restaurants - what about for him? Can you not form a support system with fellow matajis in your locality - they will make for you in your periods and you will make for them in their time? Even assuming they dont have this kind of restriction, there will always be time when they need support - like when they are going out of town alone, or when they are unwell or some such thing - reciprocate, it goes a long way to solve these issues.
Regarding not allowed to touch clothes, you should keep some 3-4 sets separately in one drawer. In this time, you touch only that drawer and after that time, you can wash everything unused in that drawer for your husband's satisfaction. Alternatively, you could use that drawer and clothes in them exclusively for these days.
Regarding what you do in your parents house, frankly speaking - none of his business. You dont have to lie to him, nor you have to give each and every detail, simply become deaf, dont answer his questions. If he persists and asks, tell him to mind his own business. Tell him the rules followed in your parents house have been set by them and/ or their elders, they are outside his purview, he should not try to rule what goes on there. Only and only you are in his purview, that too he cannot force you to do anything. You are abiding by his rules out of love and respect for him, he should not do anything to erode that love and respect. Remember, a woman allows a man to dominate only when she wants and to the extent she wants. I heard in a lecture of Mayapur - a woman cannot be controlled unless she wants/ chooses to be controlled.
Dont try to fight the rules set by your in laws, it only serves to unite them all against you. This way, even your husband takes his family's side. The smarter thing to do is to maintain your sanity, find a workaround to the extent possible and adjust the rest.
Hare Krsna,
Thank you all for ur timely guidance.
Rashmi Mataji..yes it makes sense..no use fighting with them.just go with the rules.Totally agree with your views.Thanks once again .
Replies
Hare Krsna Mataji,
PAMHO.
Sorry, I am not senior in any respect, still attempting to answer your questions to the extent practical.
If they dont allow you to touch, what can you do - pls make full use of these 3 days every month - chant on beads (nobody can stop you from that), read spiritual books (if they dont allow you to touch books saying its scriptures, read on the net, on your phone, pls download pocketvedas and keep it handy on your phone. This will go a long way to reduce the frustration. Plan to go out shopping in this time - do a lot of window shopping or research in shopping for your needs. Meet friends. Dont have to tell him everything - anyways he is out of the house from 9 to 9, you do your own thing na.
Now regarding the practical aspect of who will cook - doesnt your husband cook? You mentioned food for you have to come from restaurants - what about for him? Can you not form a support system with fellow matajis in your locality - they will make for you in your periods and you will make for them in their time? Even assuming they dont have this kind of restriction, there will always be time when they need support - like when they are going out of town alone, or when they are unwell or some such thing - reciprocate, it goes a long way to solve these issues.
Regarding not allowed to touch clothes, you should keep some 3-4 sets separately in one drawer. In this time, you touch only that drawer and after that time, you can wash everything unused in that drawer for your husband's satisfaction. Alternatively, you could use that drawer and clothes in them exclusively for these days.
Regarding what you do in your parents house, frankly speaking - none of his business. You dont have to lie to him, nor you have to give each and every detail, simply become deaf, dont answer his questions. If he persists and asks, tell him to mind his own business. Tell him the rules followed in your parents house have been set by them and/ or their elders, they are outside his purview, he should not try to rule what goes on there. Only and only you are in his purview, that too he cannot force you to do anything. You are abiding by his rules out of love and respect for him, he should not do anything to erode that love and respect. Remember, a woman allows a man to dominate only when she wants and to the extent she wants. I heard in a lecture of Mayapur - a woman cannot be controlled unless she wants/ chooses to be controlled.
Dont try to fight the rules set by your in laws, it only serves to unite them all against you. This way, even your husband takes his family's side. The smarter thing to do is to maintain your sanity, find a workaround to the extent possible and adjust the rest.
Haribol,
Your servant,
Radha Rasamayi DD
Thank you all for ur timely guidance.
Rashmi Mataji..yes it makes sense..no use fighting with them.just go with the rules.Totally agree with your views.Thanks once again .
Haribol
Om̃ apavitraḥ pavitro vā sarvāvasthāṃ gato'pi vā
yaḥ smaretpuṇḍarīkākṣaṃ sa bāhyābhyantaraḥ śuciḥ
.
In whatever condition one may be, either unclean or clean, person who remembers the Lord become purified inside and outside