Hare Krishna
Dandwat Pranam
All Glories to Srila Prabhupad
I have psychosis plus OCD, under going treatment with meds.
I have viciously aggressive pattern of intrusive thoughts which sometimes get automatically accepted by my consciousness and realization of it is delayed and it brings sometimes guilt.
I had hurt a mata ji from vrindavan said things which she didnt like (via text) and even did her ninda to my cousin.
I realized about this apradh asked forgiveness from her on phone call and even text messages, she has blocked me everywhere but i think she forgave me on call she said she took no offence.
Apart from that I once was hearing my mom play a clip from a vaishnava glorifying another vaishnava who has departed to lord's abode , i was in an irritated state got intrusive thoughts for either of the two vaishnava i cant recall who in particular and i couldnt resist it, the awareness that this isnt my thought was very much in the background , faint and late. I on top of that closed my ears because i got overhwhelmed ,i didnt wanted to hear more. I want to ask was this an offence? I heard offences need premeditation of malice which i didnt have but still i am not sure.
Regarding that mata ji what else can i do to atone, she lives in vrindavan and i dont know where she is a grihasth too. I feel my heart to be dried off of all bhakti no taste at all.
Please guide me dear vaishnavas I am very fallen
Your Servant
Shatrughan
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