Hare Krishna
Dandwat Pranam
All Glories to Srila Prabhupad
I have psychosis plus OCD, under going treatment with meds.
I have viciously aggressive pattern of intrusive thoughts which sometimes get automatically accepted by my consciousness and realization of it is delayed and it brings sometimes guilt.
I had hurt a mata ji from vrindavan said things which she didnt like (via text) and even did her ninda to my cousin.
I realized about this apradh asked forgiveness from her on phone call and even text messages, she has blocked me everywhere but i think she forgave me on call she said she took no offence.
Apart from that I once was hearing my mom play a clip from a vaishnava glorifying another vaishnava who has departed to lord's abode , i was in an irritated state got intrusive thoughts for either of the two vaishnava i cant recall who in particular and i couldnt resist it, the awareness that this isnt my thought was very much in the background , faint and late. I on top of that closed my ears because i got overhwhelmed ,i didnt wanted to hear more. I want to ask was this an offence? I heard offences need premeditation of malice which i didnt have but still i am not sure.
Regarding that mata ji what else can i do to atone, she lives in vrindavan and i dont know where she is a grihasth too. I feel my heart to be dried off of all bhakti no taste at all.
Please guide me dear vaishnavas I am very fallen
Your Servant
Shatrughan
Replies
Hare Krishna,
Hmm as you said you are suffering from OCD and Psychosis.... I hope you are taking treatment for that.
You didn't do anything delibrately. It is due to your mental condition you did some aparadh. Well, if you are in sane condition and you on purpose hurt someone then it becomes culpable offense.
So, in your case I guess you should stop feeling the guilt that you hurt a devotee.
Try to avoid devotees for sometime until you improve your mental health condition.
Don't worry too much and it will inturn effect your mind.
Just do bhakti. Seek sincere forgiveness from Lord Sri Krishna directly and do chanting and stop feeling this guilt.
This is Purushottam Maas This month if you do any spiritual activity you will get benefits of X1000.
So why don't you start doing chanting atleast 2 rounds and maybe increase it every week by 2 rounds and by the end of this month come to 8 rounds of mahamantra.
Try it ... Do it consistenly and sincerely.
Lord forgives every one. Esp. when you are sick and sincerely want to apologize for you offenses.
Nityaananda Prabhu is most merciful seek his shelter.
https://www.youtube.com/shorts/4IxAfZN4wjI
Nitaai Nitaai Nitaai Nitaai Nitaai.. Gauranga Nitaai Gauranga Nitaai Gauranga Gaura Hari.
Chant Nitaai Chant Gauranga.
Most merciful is Nityananda Prabhu seek His shelter.
Hare Krishna
Thank you mata ji
dandwat pranam
I will do as you suggested
Thank you Prabhu
Dandwat Pranam
Hare Krishna prabhuji
It is said that we should chant names of Hari not a demigod even if lord shiva or Brahma himself , so how can he chant the name of lord sun!
I might have got it wrong so I want to confirm