How to control anger?


My biggest issue I am facing right now in my spiritual development is anger. I find householder life is often very stressful and leaves me so frustrated and angry. I try to handle situations in a calm and patient manner - like when my kids colour on walls or refuse to go to bed - but often I find that the longer I try to be calm the worse my outburst is later on. What is the best way to handle strong emotions like anger and frustration?

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  • Hare Krishna Mataji!

    Chanting MahaMantra surely reduced the anger level. We can understand the situation sometimes we get tempered but we should always be calm and see Krishna in every entities (living or non-living).

    Think about Krishna while anger controlled your mind and forgot everything for sometimes be cool and forget everything except Krishna.

    Things will automatically controlled by Krishna.

     Hare Krishna,

    Jai Sril. PrabhuPad

  • when someone thinks that a certain work is being done by him/her and that work does not go the way he/she thought it to first ignites the dormant emotion of frustration which eventually triggers anger. the best way to cope with it is to learn and know that each and every work of this world is being done by LORD KRISHNA only and us are just mere medium.....our lord wants us to try hard and he is always supplying us the required energy needed for trying but when we assume that we are doer...and its our strength which is carrying this whole phenomenon, things start to go wrong....and the energy which would have been used in fullfilling lord's wish get wasted in frustration and anger. nobody is ur son and neither u are mother of any.....u have all ur relations with lord KRISHNA only and since every other soul is child of lord so serve them with all ur might with spirit of will help in taking u close to lord krishna.....AS THE BEST WAY TO PLEASE A FATHER IS TO HELP HIS CHILDREN OUT!!!

  • SB 10.29.24The highest religious duty for a woman is to sincerely serve her husband, behave well toward her husband’s family and take good care of her children.
    SB 6.18.33-34A husband is the supreme demigod for a woman. The Supreme Personality of Godhead, Lord Vāsudeva, the husband of the goddess of fortune, is situated in everyone’s heart and is worshiped through the various names and forms of the demigods by fruitive workers. Similarly, a husband represents the Lord as the object of worship for a woman.
    Anyway, keep follow this and you will be able to achieve blessings :
    SB 6.18.48Kaśyapa Muni continued: My dear gentle wife, never enter the water while bathing, never be angry, and do not even speak or associate with wicked people. Never wear clothes that have not been properly washed, and do not put on a garland that has already been worn.
    SB 6.18.49Never eat leftover food, never eat prasāda offered to the goddess Kālī [Durgā], and do not eat anything contaminated by flesh or fish. Do not eat anything brought or touched by a śūdra nor anything seen by a woman in her menstrual period. Do not drink water by joining your palms.
    SB 6.18.50After eating, you should not go out to the street without having washed your mouth, hands and feet. You should not go out in the evening or with your hair loose, nor should you go out unless you are properly decorated with ornaments. You should not leave the house unless you are very grave and are sufficiently covered.
    SB 6.18.51You should not lie down without having washed both of your feet or without being purified, nor with wet feet or with your head pointed west or north. You should not lie naked, or with other women, or during the sunrise or sunset.
    SB 6.18.52Putting on washed clothing, being always pure and being adorned with turmeric, sandalwood pulp and other auspicious items, before breakfast one should worship the cows, the brāhmaṇas, the goddess of fortune and the Supreme Personality of Godhead.
    • Thank you, I have not read this far into SB yet.

      I have difficulty with many of these though....

      I am not suppose to associate with 'wicked people,' but everyone in my family and my husband's are meat eaters, drinkers, etc. My husband's family hates any faith that is not Christian and has told my step son that I am going to hell. Although he doesn't get it at home, my stepson happily eats meat anytime we are with my husband's family. My husband isn't a devotee either and he finds it too intimidating to hold to a vegetarian diet when he eats with his coworkers.

      If I shouldn't eat food unless it is offered, and I can not offer unless the food is prepared by a devotee - and I am the only devotee in my household - what do I do when I am on my menstrual cycle? I am not suppose to eat food touched by a menstruating woman, nor am I suppose to offer...

      It is well that the sastras say never to be angry, but how is that put into practice? When my child is angry and I say 'calm down' my child never calms down - usually the opposite.

      How do I serve my husband if I am so tired that when the children are finally in bed I need to sleep myself?

      I have been trying to get up before my children for japa and morning worship, but now my daughters are also getting up earlier. No matter how quiet I am they are up no more than 5 minutes after me. Then they typically take extra long naps and refuse to sleep at can I do morning worship before breakfast while my children are crying for food?

      I find so many of the sastras very difficult to follow....

      • E-Counselor

        Hare Krsna Mataji,


        First things first - you are trying to do too many things at the same time, thats why the stress. You first fortify yourself - so that your sadhana does not suffer.

        If your family members do not give up non-veg, let it be. You make it a rule that you will make and serve only vegeterian food that has been offered to the lord in your house and stick to it, provided your husband supports you. If he is not able to hold a veg diet in front of his colleagues, let it be. Do not force him for anything - you just take one small baby step at a time. If he agrees that you can have a veg kitchen, pls maintain that. If he doesnt agree, that he needs non veg food also, then make for him alone. For yourself and your kids, make prasadam only. I think that much you can manage.

        Secondly, cook all days and offer all days. If there is no alternative and the lady in question has taken a vow to serve her deities, that vow is bigger than even the shastras. Then she can cook and serve her deities all days of the month. THis I have heard from HG Jananivas prabhuji of Sridham Mayapur. Its better than keeping them hungry for 3 days in a month, right?

        YOu are staying with your husband, cooking and cleaning for him, taking care of his house and kids, that itself is service mataji. YOu dont have to do anything special. Yes, take care of his needs, his likes and dislikes and just go on with life. With small kids, it is natural that husband takes a backseat. This is universal and all men also understand this (they may not appreciate it, but cant be helped. Kids are theirs only na...).

        Scriptures also have instances where devotees have also got angry and they have used the anger for the purpose of the lord. Eg - Hanuman buring Lanka. So anger, despite being a negative emotion, is there in the spiritual world also. We are told to control our anger to the extent possible.

        I know for a fact that one ahs to show anger to kids to control them - one neednt be angry from inside, one has to simply show the anger externally. If you do get angry internally also, try to identify the triggers and take care of them.

        With small kids, its ok if you dont do your japa first thing in the morning. Taking care of kids is taking care of God. DOnt worry so much. Pls cook for your kids and bathe them and dress them and clean for them, all of it. Before or after, or in between, whatever works for you, pls chant. When your kids see you chanting, they will also take it up. Bring for them small 27 beads mala and tell them they have to chant 4 rounds gradually as a practise to make it one round of 108. This way you bring up your kids as devotees, wouldnt that be wonderful mataji.

        Dont worry about your inlaws telling your stepson that you will go to hell. They do not have the keys to either - hell or heaven. What you are aiming for is beyond both, its the spiritual world - Krsna's own abode.

        You be strong in your sadhana, your family will come around. Even if they dont, you will reach spiritual world.

        Best of luck mataji.


        Your servant,

        Radha Rasamayi DD

        • Thank you for your response mataji. This really clarifies for me my duties and where my focus should be.

          • E-Counselor

            Just to add what mataji has suggested, always be smiling, forgiving and caring towards your husband & in-laws. Even when you are annoyed or when there is an urge to vent out your frustration. 

            I've seen this personally and have experienced vast changes in life.

            • Volunteer

              Nice advice prabhuji. This even applies when dealing with other practicing devotees. Simple "Please" and "Thank You" and using words like "Request", "Begging for co- operation" etc can really make for pleasant interactions. Unfortunately, one is never trained early on, in ISKCON. One just picks it up by watching elevated Vaishavas over the years. 


  • E-Counselor

    Hare Krsna Mataji,


    I completely understand your situation and want to start by saying that I may not be the correct person to guide on anger management - I am still learning to cope with anger myself.

    What I have understood is this - you are very stressed out with household responsibilities and it is a natural tendency to take it out on small children. On their part, children do everything that they are told to not do. I know how irritating it is when children write on walls or dont go to sleep on time. What you need to understand is that you have to show anger or strictness to your children so that they are disciplined, you dont need to be angry from inside. If they are not listening to you, show them by practical demo next time they come to you and ask for something, you also pretend to not hear. Then you sit with the child and ask him how he felt. Then try to explain that you feel the same way when he doesnt listen.

    You need to de stress definitely - how you do that - you are the best judge of your situation. Maybe ask for help - keep a fulltime maid on the children. Change the timetable of your children such that they are tired enough to sleep early. Ask your husband to help around in the household chores or to mind the children when you are busy.

    Try to take time out to chant your committed rounds daily. Sit with your children and make bed time story time. You can read to them stories of Krsna and Ramayana and gradually teach them values by telling what is the lesson from each story or pastime.

    Whatever I am saying requires a lot of patience, I know. So to begin with, you need to have some help so that you can de stress.

    Best of luck mataji.


    Your servant,

    Radha Rasamayi DD

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