I don't know where I should start! Let me start by saying, I love my cousin. I have always loved her for as long as I can remember. We have known each other since our childhood. Once we got together for playing, reading, I couldn't believe how good things were going that i forgot to eat or sleep. It was perfect in the beginning. I loved her and she loved me. I felt like may be she was the love of my life even though i didn't know what the feeling i felt since my childhood.
I didn't want you to leave her ever. I felt the same thing even when i turned 21, as our family members were kept telling since our childhood that i was chosen as her husband and she was chosen as my wife for this life.... the same thing was ploughed into my mind and i kept myself telling the same thing ever. But after a few years, she, with her own decision asked her parents to get married soon so that she can move away. Reasons asked.. came to know that, she found a guy working in IT Sector, staying in Bangalore. I tried to reach her when i got her wedding invitation, but she refused to meet me and asked others to tell me that she was not interested in marrying me as i couldn't earn as much the IT guy does.. I couldn't stand near her with deep sorrow filled my heart, controlled my tears and rushed back from her. Didn't think what was happening.
When i started visiting Orphanages with children and old aged parents, i thought my sorrow was nothing when i look at them, started mingling with them, I almost forgot myself as i spent most of the time with them, playing, sharing, offering Gow seva etc.
But destiny brought her to me again. Her husband got out from his job and searching for a new one. She was asked to try for any job. She luckily got the job in our office in my town.
When i seen her suddenly, i couldn't even control tears and i was afraid of talking to her. She acted normal when she had seen me.
Now my problem is, as we have to work in the same environment, i couldn't talk directly to her or anyone in the office. I couldn't not concentrate on my work, could not eat or sleep or meditate properly as the thoughts from my past kept me awake all the time.
My question is how to be normal?
HARIBOL!
Replies
Hare krsna prabhuji,
I should commend your strength to open up and write on this forum seeking help.
Elevated devotees have already provided some valuable options in dealing with your past and current situation.
I have couple of questions for you:
1. Do you still love her?
2. Do you intend to marry someone in the future?
If your answer to the second question is a NO, then the first one is already answered. Then I would suggest you to accept the situation as it currently is. Sometimes destiny puts us in an awkward position which feeds our ego on being right. Like in your case, your mind can trick you into thinking "see, had you married me i would have kept you happy even with my lesser/normal income". It is very easy to get nasty and negative thoughts if you feed your mind more and more each day every time you see her.
I would say rather than changing anything, accept the situation. Be there for her if she needs you, maybe not as a lover, but as a friend. A great heart is one that forgives and accepts. Not every one can do this easily. Your spiritual practice should give you the strength to forgive her and accept and help her to the best ability you can. Moving away will cause more pain. Being close and assisting will strengthen the bond. This will also make her realise that you have a beautiful heart and she was the one who lost you chasing a man with $$$.
Please dont mistake my response assuming I am asking you to rekindle the relationship. No, i am not asking you to do that. I am only saying respect the love you had/have for her and take it one step higher by forgiving her which will also attract the mercy of the Lord. Show her that you are an even better person now that you are a bhakthi yogi and that gives you strength to forgive and accept. The rest you leave it to the Lord.
Happy to chat more if you wish to discuss.
I apologise if my response/comments offends anyone.
All glories to Srila Prabhupad!!!!
Hare krsna
Hare Krishna prabhu,
I want to say one thing to you..what you are doing is not right!
"I love you" is not defined as " you belong to me and me only". It is not love at all it is selfishness.
I love you is always means You love something unconditionally, without any conditions...
What you are saying and going thru is only selfish love. Love is only giving, not demanding.
"IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE YOU LET IT GO, SET IT FREE, GIVE FREEDOM, IF IT WAS YOURS IT WILL COME BACK, IF IT DOESN'T IT MEANS IT WAS NEVER YOURS''.
LOVE happens only once and when it happens in life it, it never dies. It never changes with any conditions.
Love changes into hate then it is not true love. Love is eternal and It is always present and it is not limited to one person. If you get clingy to one person it is just obsession not love. You are obsessed with someone so badly that your existence is dependent on someone else's mercy? How sorrowful condition it it.
Your happiness should not be in others hands.
If Krishna was obsessed and cried pitifully like you he would never have left Radha rani ji and other gopi's . Krishna loved them and they loved Krishna deeply so that they could give Him all freedom and yet kept their love burning in their hearts. Externally to a lay person it would looks like they are clingy and they are in deep sorrow. But actually they were in bliss. Becoz lord was always with them in their thoughts and they were in HIS thoughts all the time. Truly love doesn't has any ending. It is never ending saga.
If it has a happy ending it is not love at all.
Tell me when you loved her where did you feel the bliss ? it was within you right? You can feel the bliss even now also. Only thing is you are not happy becoz she is not with you right now. But in your memories you cannot erase her right? Then are you not happy thinking about her. At that time also you were happy just thinking about her in mind you felt an ecstatic state. Why then it is bothering you now?? Thinking about her.
Why is the pleasant feelings lost when you are thinking now about her?
You just want her to be yours.. !!!! IT IS NOT LOVE.
A KING WANTS ALL HIS SUBJECTS TO FOLLOW HIM IF NOT HE SAYS I WILL HATE YOU I AM GOING TO BANISH YOU FROM MY KINGDOM. THIS IS NOT LOVE FOR HIS SUBJECTS. THIS IS SIMPLY RAJASIK TRAIT , OF ACQUIRING THINGS.
IF YOU CANNOT GET THEM UNDER YOU. YOU LAMENT CRY ATTEMPT SUICIDE?
Life is a gift of God, God sent you here to this world to fullfil your incomplete Karma with People and Places. Not to get attached to them.
How foolish was your step of attempt to suicide prabhu!!!
So you think if you love something...and if u don't get it you will either vandalize property of others or end you life?
You are acting like a child only... A child said to its mother.. If i don't get that toy by today night.. I am going to break all the toys and if you dont get it i will break all the things or will jump from this table down.
This is how you behaved. Immaturely like a child.
Now a days i find lovers are so selfish.....
i heard a story of very very obsessed lover that he put acid on the girls' face to disfigure her so that she doesn't belong to someone other ever, if she doesn't belong to him.( THIS IS DESTRUCTIVE MENTALITY).
WHERE LOVE ( WHICH IS SATVA GUNA) CHANGED TO TAMASIC GUNA ( DESTRUCTIVE)
LOVE IS IN SATVA GUNA .. IF IT BECOMES OBSESSION >> PERSON BECOMES POCESSISVE TO SUCH an extent
that....He steals it from other person, has jealousy for other or he become destructive either kills the other or does self injury( TAMSIC)
LOVE ( SATVA) CHANGED>>> OBSESSION>> JEALOUSY>>> SELF DESTRUCTION OR DESTRUCTION OTHER"R PROPERTY.
LOVE SATVA >> RAJSIC>> TAMASIC. ( IN YOUR LIFE).
You have to bring back from Tamas to Satva state again.
Bhagwat gita 2.63==>
I love to have icecream>> I will do anything to get it ( rajas) > I can kill the shop keeper also to get it ( TAMAS). If I don't get it I will kill myself( TAMAS).
It is better keep love in love state itself. Dont make it an obsesssion.. Be strong .
NO NEVER GIVE YOUR LIFE"S REMOTE CONTROL INTO OTHER"S HANDS. THEY CANNOT OPERATE YOU. YOUR HAPPINESS SHOULD BE WITHIN YOU.
YOU ARE A PART OF THE SUPER SOUL. YOU ARE PART OF THE SUPREME BLISS. YOUR HAPPINESS IS WITHIN YOUR HEART ( SRI KRISHNA IS THE SOURCE OF ALL HAPPINESS). HOW CAN EVEN AN OUTSIDE THING CONTROL YOU?
You have an inbuilt generator of HAPPINESS. ANY OUTSIDE SOURCE IS NOT AND NEVER CAN GIVE YOU BLISS.
You cannot make someone force you to love you or stay with you only.
You can keep loving and have nice feelings inside your heart.. previously these feelings were pleasant when you got reminded of her...wern't they??
now what has changed?? your love changed with her decision? true love never changes with any condition.
Let us say a simple example..
One person loved his girl friend to much...but unfortunately on the day of his marriage the girl died...due to some accident. has the love also died?
No, love is there even now in his heart, he is reminded of her and lives with those memories.
In your case death was not the reason for bifurcation ...just she moved away dumping you.. But You still love her.. You can love her forever like this only. If it was true love from your side atleast.
A true lover will see that her happiness his priority. If she is happy with someone then he will be most happy to find her even in some other's arms also.
If you are selfish lover then you will do the things i mentioned.....rajasik ( stealing other's property in jealousy) , vandalism, or self destruction ( tamasic)
Now you did attempt to self destruction that means you entered stage of tamas.
From tamas you need to get back to Satva guna.
One who cannot love oneself , can never love others.
Understand what is to be given priority to? Is this the purpose of your life on Earth? Have you come to just lament ? WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF YOUR LIFE? WHY DID LORD SEND YOU HERE? IS THIS GIRL ONLY THE CAUSE THE ULTIMATE GOAL OF YOUR LIFE?
WHY ARE WE INTO KRISHNA CONSICIOUNESS?? ARE WE TRULY COMING TO KC BECOZ OF LOVE FOR KRISHNA?
OR JUST COMING TO GET A CHANGE IN MOOD FROM DEPRESSION?
ARE WE REALLY LOVING KRISHNA?
Answer is NO. You don't love Krishna. You love only yourself so much obsessed that you will do self destruction also to achieve what you need.
DO you know how far it will take you away from KC when you you comit suicide?
Human birth is rare!! understand its significance, Dont waste it for material things? We are here for a higher purpose not for petty things.
Stop being selfish enjoy people and places but don't get too much attached or obsessed with them. Do your duty with 100% involvement but without getting attached to the results.
If you get good results it is a bonus.. if not also nothing is changed.. you did your work correctly right.
You loved her.. she dumped you for someone....You were perfect from your side.. but she was never in your destiny.. People come and go so many people we meet in our lives...everyday......when the karma is done.. we just leave them or they just leaves us.. we cannot sit and cry for them..is it not? life moves on and on.
Life is a journey.....we are all passengers in this journey.. the ultimate destination is SRI KRISHNA. SEE OUR STUPIDITY WE GET ATTACHED TO THE PASSENGERS SITTING NEXT TO US AND FORGOT THE STATION WHERE WE HAVE TO GET OFF AND KEEP LAMENTING IN HERE ONLY.
this vid. is nice watch it. cheer up kid.!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7_kBbWjyf8U
Keep moving with the flow of life until you reach your ultimate destination..don't hold on to anything which will keep you in this mortal world only. let it go.. realize the higher purpose of life.
Hare Krishna..
Hare Krsna Prabhuji,
PAMHO.
Firstly, my sympathies. Its not been an easy journey for you and it continues to be difficult. YOu are in a most unenviable position.
Having said that, it is on you to convert this adversity into an opportunity. How to do that? Materially as well as spiritually, she has come back right under your nose, to help you get over her according to me. While you distracted yourself with the elderly and orphans, you could not forget her. That is the reason her coming in front of you is so much of a challenge for you.
The easiest thing to do would be to switch jobs or atleast switch location. You could try doing that for immediate relief.
Still, the more difficult thing to do and the right thing to do according to me is to face the situation. Why will you leave a set job, set profile, set location for someone else. You continue there. From your mail, it appears you are atleast 26 years old. So old enough to grow up. You need to grow out of her. She is nobody to you today, not even a cousin. Dont tell anyone in office of your family relation. Try to interact with her minimum. Continue with your job with full concentration (initially it will be difficult, gradually with practise, you will be able to do your job with due diligence). Increase your sadhana - get up early morning, do mangalarati, chanting before you come to work. Make it a point to read some spiritual text at work, in between tasks or during lunchtime. Be in association of devotees outside of work. Ensure you do devotional service in the local ISKCON temple or in your congregation leader's house on weekends.
You could join a gym, and ensure you exercise every single day, esp the day you feel like lying in bed and crying. I read in a book once and have seen it works. When we try to get over any emotional trauma, physical exercises help because when we exercise, there is blood flow to the brain, releasing oxytocin, the happiness hormone. Plus, extra energy is spent in the gym, tiring you, giving you good appetite and sleep. Do pranayam, it will help to control the mind and calm you down.
Look yourself in the mirror everyday and say to yourself - Hey Handsome. You are the most eligible man in the city and the most deserving will only come in your life.
It is no shame to be deceived by someone, it is shameful to deceive.
What is the spiritual lesson from this - when you lose a loved one (even to marriage by the other person), the feeling of separation is - sunyayitam jagad sarvam, ........(certainly not Govinda) virahena me. This situation teaches us that when we hanker for Krsna the way our heart is hopelessly hankering for her, is when we become a devotee. Try to transfer the hankering, atleast pray to Krsna, guru and Gauranga - please make me hanker for You the way my heart is running behind her.
If possible, tell Krsna - what I wanted, didnt happen. So it is your wish that has happened. So I ACCEPT. It is the most difficult thing to do, but if you can do this, you will be able to get over very fast. And you will grow spiritually as well.
I hope I have been able to help you somewhat.
Haribol,
Your servant,
Radha Rasamayi DD
Very sad to hear this. Its a very unfortunate situation. Mine is also a similar kind of story. Just tolerate these. Krishna says in 2nd chapter one who is equal in happiness and distress is certainly eligible for liberation. Just think that relation with her is over. Women get very easily allured. Don't try to develop an illicit relation with her. Just ignore her. May be you can change your company or move to a different city. Pray to SP and Krishna sincerely.
HARE KRISHNA !!