Getting very Weak in Bhakti. Please Guide

Hare Krishna Prabhu ji.

PAMHO,

All glories to Srila Prabhupada, Gauranga

 

Please help. I think I am getting very weak in my spiritual life.

Currently, I am living in Patna and connected to ISKCON Patna.

Here is my situation, story and everything.

 

I am a 12th pass student living in patna for preparation of entrance exam. In my spiritual life, I was disturbed since I came from Ranchi where my cousin, younger brother and sister were living. Because I do bhakti secretly, that's why it was difficult for me to chant and complete my 16 rounds and also because I was attached to my younger cousins because I met them after a long time. And because of these reasons I was not completing my 16 rounds, sometimes 3, 4 or 5 rounds etc. after coming back to home, I was very sad although, I definitely knew that this is krishna's arrangement, because ekadashi was ahead and it would have been impossible for me to fast, chant and concentrate my mind on krishna there. So I was very sad(because I wanted to enjoy more with my cousins), and because of this, deity photo worship, chanting, reading, hearing lectures etc. went very low in quality. I was doing it, but my attention and absorption was not in Krishna completely. Although, I was trying to put my consciousness, attachment, and attention back to spiritual life, after that, my taste in materialistic activities, songs, foods etc. increased a lot. Also done wrong lusty activities.

Now, I am connected to ISKCON patna and go to temple in morning around 5-5:30 a.m. to chant with devotees and attend guru puja. But still I don't feel that type of feeling, affection, and attraction to sri sri Radha Banke bihari ji. Also here in hostel, everyone just use very bad abusive word 1000 time per day, and because of this whenever I go and see some devotees my mind just pop up some abusive word or some violent picture against those devotees who are serving Krishna so nicely, but I always get my mind back, "What nonsense you are thing my mind, they are very good devotees, SHUT UP" .

Although I do not talk very much with Hostel boys and associate but because I get very few hours in Mandir and that also go in chanting, I do not get time to talk and make devotee friends too as everyone is older than me there, And because of this, I feel totally Alone in my life. Also because these abusive thoughts comes again and again, and I also do not try to go to that devotee and apologize because, I think these things are just thought, it's the feeling and Emotion for that Vishnava matters, which determines that will it be counted as an Offense or just a thought, but there is bad feeling that what nonsense is this I am sitting in Temple and getting these type of thoughts.

I want to do many things for krishna and want to dedicate my life in service of Sri Krishna and his devotees but there are some problems-

1. there is career in front of me, 

2. I do Bhakti secretly, so I also can't tell my parents as they are ordinary non-devotee parents and if I do so then I am afraid that I will disadvertise Bhakti, they will say look, he was nonsense in his life so he became a monk, etc. Also they are only concerned for my typical material lifestyle with toppings of selfish bhakti.

3. I am living in a hostel so I am unable to deity photo worship which helps to make a strong connection with the Lord. Also here, I can't cook for Krishna nor have proper mandir with deities photo to offer and have it.

4. Because of this I have to eat hostel food filled with onion garlic. Also I have heard that if you are eating food not prasadam then if you have a repentant feeling then you can have it in an emergency or if there is no option. But in my case how many times I repent and it also doesn't come naturally and if I just do artificial repentance and eat it then because of the good taste, I may start to enjoy it. Here, I will become a diplomat.

5. Also in the hostel, I have tried to be in Temple for a long time, serving, chanting, etc. but it created a big problem for me, that they have said(Hostel waale) if done again I may have to leave the hostel. I am also ready to live on the footpath but my family will eat me, and how will I take a satvik bath to go to temple? these emotions are also there.

 

I am unable to manage these things that

(a) I want to dedicate my life to Krishna. "Everyone wants to go back home back to godhead in this lifetime. But for that one has to do some extraordinary service." This statement is told by HG Keashav Anand Prabhu ji. I want to go to Krishna in this very lifetime and for that I think I have to dedicate my life from the beginning, train myself in philosophy, and do service 24/7. And I am ready for that but-

(b) there is family, career and there is desire in me to become a very rich and influential person(this is also so that I can spread Gita by using my Influence) but for that I have to work more, consume more material content, create & shape my thinking etc. But whenever I go to those things then I feel very uncomfortable.

 

It really frustrates me a lot that on one hand I want to dedicate and make my mind Krishna conscious, always thinking for him, taking care of deities, preparing bhoga, and doing things that will please Krishna and his devotees. But because of this career, family etc. I have to think about them, career tension etc. 

 

Please help me. Please guide me. What should I do?

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  • Hare krishna

    i would advice you to chant some gauranga nityananda naam rounds along with mahamantra . Gaur nitai name, dieties ,dham dont consider any offences. When you chant there names you are directly on stage of offenceless chanting which rises pure love in heart and nourishes spirtual life.

  • Hare Krishna Prince Kumar prabhu,

    I know what your parents are going thru. I can understand their mentality. They are not against your bhakti. They are against you going totally mad in bhakti and forgetting them and becoming a sanyasi baba ji. 

    As you have mentioned -- "initially when I was doing bhakti and reading gita. I hurted my mother and made her even cry." 

    That shows how arrogant you became with fake bhakti and fake vairagya feelings.  As soon as one reads  Bhagwad gita and understands Lord first thing they do is they start looking normal people around them as some too much fallen people and consider them totally materialistic and place one's own self a higher and better position then them.

    This mistake is most common esp. at your age as you don't even understand the fact that not all are going to turn to Krishna in one life time. It has taken so many births to reach this stage by you. How can you look down on others who are trying so hard fighting still in maya? Not able to understand Krishna. You must actually become more and more humble and tolerant and able to give them guidance instead of looking down of them. If you are not able to do then you must take them to a preacher who will guide them properly. Instead of showing arrogance that you are some great person rest all are fools.

    See this mistake which you made against your mother because a cause of hatred for Krishna more in their hearts.

    If you had been considerate and nice to your mother and taken her into confidence and  gave assurance that you will study well as well as do bhakti you could have made your parents also devotees by now.

    Hastily you have reacted and made your mother cried.  It is okay I can understand you are still an immature kid cannot handle the situation tactfully.

    Now also you have an oppurtunity to gain support and confidence of your parents and slowly turn them to KC.

    All you have to do is study well and work hard and become a good student and achieve something mateiralistically like some position finish schooling with good scores and build ur career and show your parents thatttt.. See even as a Krishna devotee I have not become sanyasi and I have achieved something in life. And tell Krishna infact helped me to get good scores in studies.

    If they ask how? You say.. What if I became a drug addict or was involved with bad friends and lost track and became a alchohal addict?????? 

    I became a good citizen first, all credit you give to ISKCON and Krishna consciousness and say because I have believed in Krishna and taken up bhakti I was always checked and kept myself pure and was on my path .. other wise at this age in Kaliyuga when kids are easily becoming slaves to drugs ... I am in good citizen and remain on my path of career all thanks to ISKCON and the rules and regulations the aacharyas laid.  and In this way you can make them slowly turn to Bhakti too.
    But for that you need to show and prove them that you are not quitting studies and you are going to get good scores in all tests from now.

    In this way you can make 2 devotees at your own home.  Hasty speech should be avoided .. talk smoothly nicely act and behave like a matured person with clear goals in life.

    Hare Krishna.

    • Ammmmmmmmmmmmaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazzzzzzzziiiiiiiiiiinnnnngggggggggg Answer mata ji. Thank u so much. Aapne ek dum right point samajh liya mere situation ka. 

      Allthough I after this mother wala incident, I went to my mom and asked for forgiveness by while holding his feet. 

      Now due to mercy of Krishna and devotees, Now I am getting vision to see other people compassionately. Especially, thanks to HG Amogh Lila Prabhu's Prabhupada Lilamrita Series. 

      Again Thank u so much for your Answer. Even I don't think ki maine apni situation itni achhe se batai jitna aapne explain kar diya.🙏 Thank u

  • E-Counselor

    Hare Krsna prabhuji,

    PAMHO.

    Why so much confusion? Let me try to address each point:

    1. there is career in front of me, 

    Ans : Bhakti is not an impediment to career. One can have a very successful career and be a great devotee. Eg - Srila Bhakti Vonod Thakur was magistrate, householder and a very good devotee. 

    2. I do Bhakti secretly, so I also can't tell my parents as they are ordinary non-devotee parents and if I do so then I am afraid that I will disadvertise Bhakti, they will say look, he was nonsense in his life so he became a monk, etc. Also they are only concerned for my typical material lifestyle with toppings of selfish bhakti.

    Ans : Obviously. THey know no better than materialistic life. Personally, I am not comfortable hiding anything from my parents, esp something as transformational as bhakti. I would tell them in small bite sized information. I would make them meet devotees. ISKCON gentry is very good - members are all educated, super achievers in material world and also doing bhakti. So they cannot think you will go down that path only if you are a good for nothing. When they meet educated devotees, their fears should be allayed to a large extent. 

     Rest later.

    Haribol,

    YOur servant,

    Radha Rasamayi DD

     

    • Hare krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare

      Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare

       

      Thank u so much mata ji for your Answer. Waiting for rest confusions and Quation to be answered by you

       

      Also mata ji, for 2nd one I am afraid becuase in initial days, after reading Gita, and everything, I was very arrogant and behaved bad with parent. Even to extent, that my mother even cried because of my behavior. So, I became very much careful after that. That's why, I mentioned that. I'm Also afraid that if I make them to meet, then they may do Vaishnava aparadha.

      • E-Counselor

        Hare Krsna Prabhuji,

        PAMHO.

        Sorry for the delay at my end. Was too tied up.

        Continuing....

        3. I am living in a hostel so I am unable to deity photo worship which helps to make a strong connection with the Lord. Also here, I can't cook for Krishna nor have proper mandir with deities photo to offer and have it.

        Deity/ Altar worship can be done with photos also. That is very much possible in hostel room. If you are unable to do arati with full paraphernalia, pls sing the arati songs - at mangalarati and sandhya arati atleast. That is also good. Offering food - offer one fruit everyday. Do group chanting, attend any preaching program happening in your campus, else attend online. 

        4. Because of this I have to eat hostel food filled with onion garlic. Also I have heard that if you are eating food not prasadam then if you have a repentant feeling then you can have it in an emergency or if there is no option. But in my case how many times I repent and it also doesn't come naturally and if I just do artificial repentance and eat it then because of the good taste, I may start to enjoy it. Here, I will become a diplomat.

        In big campuses, there is option for Jain food. Pls find out and take that option if possible. Then you can eat veg food without onion garlic. Offer whatever is on your plate mentally and then only eat. This is good enough for your circumstances. Anyways, you will be offering fruit everyday and having/ distributing. 

        5. Also in the hostel, I have tried to be in Temple for a long time, serving, chanting, etc. but it created a big problem for me, that they have said(Hostel waale) if done again I may have to leave the hostel. I am also ready to live on the footpath but my family will eat me, and how will I take a satvik bath to go to temple? these emotions are also there.

        I dont understand the need to be in such extremes. If you are in temple for long time, how does hostel people come to know? And what is the meaning of long time ? Being in temple is the only way to be devotee? Krsna is everywhere, even in your hostel room. Please associate with Srila Prabhupada by reading his books. Study Bhagavad Gita, attend any stuctured class and learn. Do bhajans.....help in local preaching program..... so many things you can do...Convert your obstacles into opportunities to do more devotion. Then you will grow by leaps and bounds. 
         
        COntinuing....
         
        • Hare Krishna Mata ji,

          PAMHO,

          All glories to Srila Prabhupada and Gauranga

          Mataji in 5th point, I want to say that -

          I am in hostel, right? And there is ISKCON Patna temple near my hostel. So one day I went to the temple in morning 5:30 a.m. and came back around 10:30 a.m. So the hostel master, he warned me and complained to my father. Also whenever we go outside then we have to fill the register with place, time, returning time etc.

          Also you said that I should attend structured class, there is BG class going on every Sunday, @4:30 p.m. but my tuition classes are there at 5:00 p.m. So unable to attend. Although, I will try🙏.

          Also, I am living in a hostel which is on a separate place from my Coaching Classes. And in the hostel, where I am living, there is a bed, two small wall reck, and cloth hangers. That's it. And room is also small and I have share it with one boy. That's why, I am unable to do even photo worship and what to say about offering. And, I am here for my entrance exam preparation.

          Please, guide on this too.🙏

           

          Your Servant

          Prince Kumar

          • E-Counselor

            Hare KRsna Prabhuji,

            PAMHO.

            So go for Sunday feast program next time. There will be no controversies.

            Regarding structured class, yes ideally. If not possible, atleast hear recorded lectures of any series.

            Regarding no place in hostel room, no issues. Keep one photo in your books bag or wallet and pray mentally. Krsna is bhaav graahi. He doesnt get impressed by externals.

            Haribol,

            Your servant,

            Radha Rasamayi DD

            • Thank u so much mataji for helping me by being an instrument of Krishna.😢🙏🙏

        • E-Counselor

          Continuing....

           

          (a) I want to dedicate my life to Krishna. "Everyone wants to go back home back to godhead in this lifetime. But for that one has to do some extraordinary service." This statement is told by HG Keashav Anand Prabhu ji. 

          Extraordinary devotion/ surrender to the lord is required to go back to godhead. The humblest devotee has greater chance to go back home, not the devotee who thinks I have done extra ordinary service. 

          I want to go to Krishna in this very lifetime and for that I think I have to dedicate my life from the beginning, train myself in philosophy, and do service 24/7. And I am ready for that but-.......

          No you are not ready. If you were, but would not be there, part b would not be there. Be honest with yourself. Cannot fool Krsna. He is in your heart as supersoul. 

          (b) there is family, career and there is desire in me to become a very rich and influential person(this is also so that I can spread Gita by using my Influence) but for that I have to work more, consume more material content, create & shape my thinking etc. But whenever I go to those things then I feel very uncomfortable.

           Nothing wrong with having these desires. The thing to do is to be honest and accept that one has material desires. One is even permitted to pursue them. Only condition is to give one portion of your earning to Krsna. 

          Haribol,

          Your servant,

          Radha Rasamayi DD

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