hare krishna :)
I am trying to be very sincere in KC and I've always belived in Krishna, but I've developed affection for him too now and not just belive but i'm very stupid and this one thing always causes me to suffer...
some days go well but somedays even though I would read a lot (prabhupadji's books) and theoretically understand.. my mind can't stop thinking about him (a guy) ... I don't want to think about him nor I want to care what he does in his life but still I would go totally paranoid and check emails/phone again n again for his messages (sometimes he does) and thinking if he's with someone else now then my mind would stop working and I would go totally blank and feel very heavy hearted and sick and it won't go away... till then too guilty and feeling stupid to read or chant and think I don't deserve to hear Kanha's pastimes ...so I would kill time doing stupid things or just sleep.. and this all totally deviates me for 3-4 days until Kanha shows his mercy again on me which I feel guilty about too that Kanha always brings me on the right track and I can't seem to control. Kanha has always blessed me with ideal conditions in life to be able to develop KC. I only want to love my Kanha... and not ever care about the stupid pointless feelings which sometimes take over me.
Any advice please :-/ ( I know going to temple regularly will help but it's 2 and half hours away and no bus goes there )