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Hare Krishna,

Please accept my humble obeisances.  All glories to Srila Prabhupada. All glories Sri Guru and Gauranga.

It is my humble request to you all to clarify my doubt please.

After my B.Tech, I came into contact with few devotees and Hare Krishna Mahamantra. I really got very attracted to the process and devotees. Really, they are very caring and loving persons. That is why, even I forgot my own family members in their loving relationships. I used to chant 16 rounds daily and even more on special days. Participating, celebrating and fasting on all festive days with great enthusiasm. I came to know so many confidential things. Wonderful thing is, I lose all my interest in my worldly and mundane topics and one more wonderful thing is, all my lusty thoughts are gone away and it is really a great joyful experience in treating women as mothers. I cannot express in my words. One has to feel it personally on his own.

Of course, all this is due to my spiritual master’s grace, mercy and devotees association. There is no doubt about this.

But, unfortunately, I got attracted to one thing (I do not want to reveal, which, I did not reveal to the devotees, my mentors). After so much struggle in my mind, I left devotee’s association. I was with them for 2.5 years, got full fledged training. I have been out of Krishna consciousness from 3 years.

I thought that I can keep my Krishna consciousness even without association. But I came to know that it is impossible. My spiritual master already said that, once if you out of devotees association, again all the bad qualities will reach you. Yes it is right. This is what happened with me. I am failed to keep and continue my Krishna consciousness. As usual, habituated to sense gratification and my chanting rounds fallen to zero and have lost all of my assets.

But, still, I am chanting 2-4 rounds daily, because I don’t want to lose my relationship with Krishna. It is clearly understood that, whatever I got my consciousness and assets when I am in association, it is completely out of my spiritual master’s mercy and grace.

But there are few doubts in my mind. Please if anyone clarify this, I would be grateful.

Q.1) I heard that, every moment one soul is going back to godhead and one soul is coming to this prison (Material world).

As a marginal souls, we have a tendency to get desire to imitate like Krishna. What I heard that, the moment we think like that, we will be in this material world. Once, if we are into this material world, it is natural to forget Krishna and getting allured by charming beauty of illusion, do sense gratification and get degraded.

Hence, my question is then, what is the use of ‘Going back to Godhead’, getting trained for years, life times, regulations, rules, because even if we reach Godhead, one time or other we may get desire to imitate Krishna or envious of Krishna as a part of our tendency, and again falling down to this material world (Proof is, every moment one soul is falling into this material world as said above).

Once, falling into this place means again we all know what happens here. Naturally forget Krishna, again all suffering, if at all, we are lucky we will come into contact with pure devotees. Even if we are lucky not sure we will be in the process up to its destination.

So, it is also again big Circle.

So, where is the permanent in this?

Being a marginal soul, is it our unavoidable situation?

If it is so, why can’t we be Visnutattva, where there is a zero chance of falling down?

 
Q.2) My another question is If we desire to get vanished (I mean no consciousness and no free will, just like a rock stone), will this desire be fulfilled by Krishna?

 I am really very, very, very sorry for asking this type of questions. It is completely personal. It may look like that I am envious of Krishna. Of course I am. But, I don’t have any intention to be envious of Krishna. These are my personal questions. Not at all intended to damage one’s faith or anything like that.

I have explained all my story just because of one reason, to tell you that, never get off from the ‘Back to Godhead’ train at any cost and at any reason. Due to some reasons, I could not make it.

By the mercy of Srila Prabhupada, our beloved acharyas and our spiritual masters, you all have got nice compartments with nice berths. Just have a seat and do journey.

Don’t jump from train like me.

Please forgive me, if there are any mistakes in my letter and please forgive me for my offenses.