- That's it!!! I will get that Book!!!
With this burning out enthusiasm and determination I woke up and decided:
- How pitiful my condition is? Just to give some pleasure to this tiny stomach and tongue I have to eat killed animals.
- ENOUGH!!! I am ready to sacrifice with everything joyful I have in order to get that Secret Book which will answer to all my questions.
- I am ready to eat fruits and boiled beans but I need that Book!!!
- I spit to the science which glorifies meat eating saying that we need meat otherwise we can not survive.
- Why should I believe to them? They are not able to answer to my questions: who am I? Why is it so? Why I came here? What is my goal? Then why should I believe to those ignorant teachings???
After making this wow I came to my school teacher and told that from this day I will follow 4 regulative principles which he suggested to follow already two months ago when I came crying with my questions. But due to cultural believes I ignored that I won't be able to follow the 4th principle which was eating non vegetarian food.
He congratulated me with this decision and with calm voice told that he wants to see how long I will be able to follow this. He told that the Secret Book is not an ordinary Book, in order to understand that I have to be purified.
Hearing this, my false ego was deeply pinched and my mind cried:
- Purified?! I thought I am already pure!!! How he dares to say that???...
But his soft speaking and my immense respect to him as my second father made me to accept that I have to be purified.
I thought to be a vegetarian is – to eat only boiled beans, bread and fruits. As I was the main cook for the family they also started to feel that something was missed in the daily dinners.
Day 1st – boiled channa dal garnished with salt and butter;
Day 2nd – boiled mung dal garnished with butter and salt;
Day 3rd – boiled …
In this way 3 months passed away. Pain in heart increased day by day. Again I came to my teacher and cried:
- Please, do not be so cruel! Please, give me that Secret Book!!!
Seeing my tears he tried to pacify me with words but failed to do that. Then he said to wait and after classes he will give me something. After classes I again came to him. He took a peace of paper and wrote something covering the paper with his left hand from others. Then told to me that I have to take letter and when I reach home I have to take bath, wear clean clothes, take my beads and repeat whatever is written in that peace of paper.
I did everything as he told. Taking a peace of paper and my beads I sat in the corner of my room. Slowly opened the paper and read:
HARE KRISHNA HARE KRISHNA KRISHNA KRISHNA HARE HARE
HARE RAMA HARE RAMA RAMA RAMA HARE HARE
When I saw the Names I became scared: "Krrrrrshna Krrrrrshna"
But even though, I repeated because I wanted that Secret Book; because I believed to the words of my teacher. I thought: "he never ever lied to me and I believe that even this time he is not lying to me."
One round took 15 minutes. In this way I started to chant daily one round. Those 15 minutes were a burden to me but I believed that even to become a chess champion one should for all 346 days attend classes for training and for 10 days fight against the opponents.
After some days 2 rounds, 3, 4, 8, 10.
Until I started to chant minimum 16 rounds regularly he refused to give me the Secret Book. In this way this practice continued up to 3 more months.
- I GOT!!!
It was a thick, green and enough old book. When I took that to my hands I embraced and my heart cried:
- How long I searched for You!!!
For the next 7 days my daily schedule was every evening taking bath, wearing clean clothes to sit and to read Srimad Bhagavad Gita (the Secret Book).
- King??? Worriers??? Army??? War field???
- What is going on???
Then I thought that maybe my teacher mistakenly gave me different book. When I told to him this, he said that whatever it is written there I have to accept as it is.
Again I continued my reading accepting everything as it is.
Bhagavan Sri Krishna started to speak about soul, immortality…
Then He told to go to the forest, make a soft, not too high and not too low sit using kusha grass and deer skin.
Reading this and accepting as it is tears flew from my eyes with thoughts:
- Ok, my dear mother, father sisters, brother and all other friends please forgive me but I have to leave you to the forest.
Nearly 20 km away from our house there was a river Amudarya and I knew that there were forests. I started my plans concerning Krishna's orders.
Then He continued that a yogic should eat fruits which felt down and roots. This put me in difficulty, because in those forests I never ever saw fruits in the trees what to speak of ground…
Then suddenly He starts to say that Arjuna should perform his duties and fight. I came back to my parents, home, to my job from an austere mental life in the forest.
Chapters 1-2-3…-15 passed away! But I felt that I understood nothing. I felt emptiness. I could see only nicely cooked porridge in my mind. My thirst was not quenched. Fully depressed I came to my teacher and told that he was right, that ordinary people can not understand this Book. Then he told that I have to beg this Book to understand It; to beg crying and with prayers; to pray to Srila Prabhupada.
Again after performing cleanliness duties I sat to read. Prayed. Tried to cry but it was not possible. When I struggled very hard then only one – two drops of tears appeared. I continued to read.
- No! I read only words! But I can not understand!
I was reading already 16th – 17th chapters, only few pages left!!! But I had so many questions!!! I thought that this book will be my last hope!!!
- Few pages?! What will they explain to me??? I am reading for 7 days, it seems that I lost my 7 days uselessly.
I regretted my foolish mind, I regretted loosen days. Now, not one – two but tears appeared like water falls. Heart started to pray to Srila Prabhupada:
- Please!!! What a difficulty it will be for You just to make my mind to understand this knowledge??? I am so degraded that I can not understand this Book. Please, Srila Prabhupada, I do not know You, I do not know who are Arjuna and Krishna, but I know that I am fool and with Your little mercy I will be able to understand this message!
Through tears I continued to read the 17th chapter. Suddenly, something unusual happened.
I was sitting on the floor beside the bed on which was Bhagavada Gita. It was a feeling like my heart opened and I saw light and whatever I read before run in front of my mind. I looked up to the lamp and smiling softly cried out:
- Yes! I understood!!!
I felt as if this knowledge is already was deep inside of my heart and Srila Prabhupada removed some dirt and I could remember what I forgotten.
I understood what karma is. Why some people suffer, some do not. Why we should not give pain to others killing them. What is reincarnation…
From that very moment I decided that
IT IS MY PATH!!!
From that very moment I decided to chant my 16 rounds seriously.
From that very moment my life fully changed.
And from that very moment I did a first step towards Journey Home – Back to Godhead!
ALL GLORIES TO SRILA PRABHUPADA!
ALL GLORIES TO BOOK DISTRIBUTORS!
ALL GLORIES TO THE SECRET BOOK – SRIMAD BHAGAVAD GITA!