A long, long time ago when I was not an ISKCON devotee I developed a growing interest in spiritual life. After many years of taking drugs and attending rock concerts I had become sick of life.
I had been manager in several companies I worked for, most of the time I had more money than I needed and I had freedom and independence. Somehow I was not satisfied. I started wondering if real happiness existed. I discovered that no matter how hard I tried I just could not break free from certain activities.
I was looking for real freedom; freedom from the unseen forces that drove me to seek out all those things people said would make me happy but in truth bound me with chains. I was confused, where do I turn now? Then one day I had the courage to admit to myself that, with all these desirable things, I was not happy. This was the first scary thing, to admit I was not happy.
Then, my life began to change. Again, I became scared because I didn’t really know where I was going. All I knew was I didn’t want to be where I was. I was haunted by a thousand fears, what should I do now, will I have money? Will I have friends? Will I be cared for? And on and on. So I started to read. First it was science, then psychology, and then self help. It didn’t fit. I was scared again, where do I go? So I tried eastern philosophy. Now, heres something. I read more and learned a lot. I learned drugs were bad, so I stopped. As a result I lost 85% of my friends, and then I got really scared; but excited.
If they were really my friends then they would support me to improve my life. So I took another step. I learned that happiness was not found in women, TV, eating dead animals or in reading numerous books. I gave it up, even though I was scared. Then I learned happiness was not found in rock and roll. This is going too far I thought, so I held on. But in the mean time my life had changed direction a dozen times and I had to admit that I was finding a wonderful sense of freedom from all the things that I thought gave me happiness. I was not doing many of these things and I was still alive. And in many ways becoming happy. But still I knew I had to go further. There was something deep inside that wasn’t being fulfilled.
I began to practice Hatha Yoga. Amazing things happened. I became strong both mentally and physically. I was more alert, I felt alive. But, deep inside a voice cried out for more. Then I met the devotees. Now I was scared. I had seen them before but did not take them serious. Now I was attracted but I turned away. Again I saw them and again I was scared, but of what. It was independence. What was so great about independence?
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