Blog

1986

Dear Çréla Prabhupäda,

 WHILE OFFERING my obeisances unto you, I visualize your lotus feet, so soft and so tenderly pink. I wish I could become a speck of dust and cling onto them forever. They are the most wonderful shelter, and who needs it more than I? I am your youngest son, and most probably that is why you showered so much affection upon me. You allowed me to stay with you all the time, and whenever I went anywhere, you asked me, "Where did you go?" I used to give some quick excuses. But now I realize how foolish I was to try to fool you. You urged me to be with you, but like a naughty child I went away to do some mischief, and when you asked me, I gave some silly excuses. Now you have gone away—I wonder whether in utter disgust. You came to take us back with you. Those who are fortunate and pure went back, and others will go back after they have successfully completed the service you assigned to them. But I am so unfortunate and dirty that I could not develop the urge to go back to you. I am so foolish that in spite of hearing so much about that eternally blissful world where you are eternally present, I still try to derive some pleasure out of this miserable material nature—and that also at your expense. You were always so concerned about me. One day, in Våndävana, Tamäla Kåñëa Mahäräja sent me to Mädhava Mahäräja's maöha to meet Çréla Kåñëa däsa Bäbäjé Mahäräja. When I came back, you asked in your normal, tender voice, "Where did you go?" I replied, "I went to Mädhava Mahäräja's maöha." You asked, "Why?" Although you had been bedridden for weeks, your voice roared like thunder. I began to tremble in fear, and I could not reply. Again you asked, "Why did you go?" Your voice was so loud that the room seemed to shake with the sound. Still trembling with fear, I replied, "Tamäla Kåñëa Mahäräja sent me there to ask Çréla Kåñëa däsa Bäbäjé Mahäräja to come to see you." You said, "Oh! But I want you to be with me all the time." Another time, when you had a dream that a Rämänuja Kaviräja prepared some medicine for you and you became cured by taking that medicine, we looked all around Våndävana for a Rämänuja Kaviräja but could not find one. Then it was decided that I would go to Çré Raìgam to look for a Rämänuja Kaviräja. When you were told that someone should go to Çré Rangam, you liked the idea. But when you were told that I was being sent, you said, "No, send someone else." Tamäla Kåñëa Mahäräja looked at me with a smile on his face, then he asked you why you were not allowing me to go. You replied, "I want him to be with me now." So mercifully you wanted me to be with you, but with time I am simply drifting away from you. Yesterday I was looking at your deity in the temple. It looked as if you were sitting there. Then I questioned myself, Did I really believe you were sitting there? If I really did, then could I stand there, so unconcerned? No! Then I would have to jump with joy, start to sing your glory—"Jaya Prabhupäda, Jaya Prabhupäda"—to announce your presence to everyone. Please, Çréla Prabhupäda, give me the intelligence and determination to sing of your glories all the time. From now on, let me engage my body, mind, and words in singing your glories. So on this auspicious day I want to take the vow that from today, my body, mind, and words will simply be engaged in singing your glories, because I want to be with you all the time.

Your eternal servant,

 Bhakticäru Swami