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Desperate Need

-         are chalu! Chalu! Chalu!

The female voice pushed me from behind. It was fast train from Mira Road to Churchgate.

It was crowded but somehow I entered to the train thinking if I miss this train I will be late for the Gaura Arati at Chowpatty Mandir.

Then I thought 'oh my God! I am so eager to see You…!' with these thoughts I started to chant my rounds (or murmer, who knows?!).

My ears were plucked with ear plucks, seems I wanted to hear only the Holy Names. But no!

As usually, there were many voices. The sound of a moving train, voices of young ladies, aged ladies…and one heart pinching sound of a crying child. Everyone started to look to the side and smile in amazement but the sound still continued. I tried not to pay any attention but this child cried as if he desperately needed something.

I searched for him and found. He was a small kid, nearly one year old, in the hands of a young lady. His eyes were decorated with thick line of black kajal; but because of river like tears kajal was spoiled and it was smashed around his rounded eyes making them look cuter. His small hands were up as if he wanted fly to the side where he was looking. The lady who was holding him became nervous. She used to make him jump on her hands, kiss, smile…but could not even for a moment distract him from desire to "fly".

I was in the 2^nd class compartment but that child in the hands of a young lady was in the 1^st class compartment. As usually 2^nd class was filled up but even though that child could recognize his desired object among all. Then I started to search for whom he was shedding tears.

Yes, it was a middle aged lady. She was in saree, her hair was neatly joined into plates. But among other women she only did not have smile on her face and her eyes were blinking as if just, just tears will flow from them. She breathed heavily and with her whole heart she was saying:

'YES, MY CHILD, I AM COMING TO YOU, just let this train stop!'

That time I really understood what was Shrila Prabhupada saying while saying: 'one should chant the Holy Names as like a child crying for his mother.'

Yes, now I saw how child cries for his mother:

With hold hands, with full voice, wet with tears and perspiration he cried and nothing could stop him. With all the limbs of his body he was yearning to his mother.

Seeing him like that mother's heart was crying and also yearning to take her child and tightly embrace him to her heart.

Then my mind came to my own voice which was murmering the Holy Names. I felt shameless. I thought I love the Holy Names. I thought I have big desire to be with Him…

But it was not so!

Train stopped in Dahisar. The young lady came out of the 1^st compartment and ran to the 2^nd. This middle aged lady also was coming out no matter to the crowd but young lady was faster than her and reaching our compartment she held the child to her hands. A child stopped to cry. Mother kissed his head and made him sit on her laps. Child did not have anything to give to a mother except that yearning just to be with her. And she also did not want anything from him but her baby himself…

What's there within my heart?

I thought love divine. But no! Dirt!

Who am I for You my Lord?

A Devotee? But no! It's not a suitable word.

That child cried with pitiful voice,

For his mother, for him was no choice.

He had desire, he had goal!

Oh! How my condition is so low???

Warm kisses, soft arms…

Were his only aims.

Pity! How pitiful I am?

Nor this, nor That, I struck in between.

Oh Gopinath, forgive this soul of Yours!

But I need to say to You some words.

I don't have mother to cry for!

Neither this time nor had before!

This heart is hard stone!

And ears are useless which I own.

No matter how much I chant and pretend,

I lack desire that of a crying child.

Now I beg You! Oh my Lord!

Forgive! Forgive! And be pleased!

With this rascal, so diseased.

And give desire to YEARN at least!