In this way even daily Sadhana which consists of Mangala Arati, Srimad Bhagavatam, association with Devotees, cooking, taking care of Deities, Sunday programs…began to loose any meaning in my vision. I just felt the emergency of the Holy Names and wanted to chant Them only!
By the time in the eyes of Devotees I became different, more internal and sometimes for the sake of chanting did only short, superficial talks with them.
For the question: what happened?
I answered with the question: what is the meaning?
-I do not see any meaning in other things and I feel that I'm loosing my time doing things beyond chanting the Holy Names.
Then they used to explain to me that all the services are equal, giving the example of that quarrel in Ramayana. That taking care of Deities or chanting are the equal as cooking for Devotees or cleaning the floor, or going out and earning for Krishna.
-I can not imagine how to be devoted to two personalities at the same time. Our Deities Sri Sri Nitay Gour Govinda seem to me different from Sri Nama Prabhu. Because of that serving to Deities takes my whole day and I spend only few hours for Sri Nama Prabhu. And it makes me cry. I need the answer!!!
One morning, 4:15! Mangala Arati began. All the Devotees running eagerly hurried to the Temple room. After paying obeisance some took Mridanga, some Matajis took small karatals and Arati puja began accompanying by: samsara davanalidha loka tranaya karunya …
Pujari offered insects, and then followed fire.
I could feel that this fire was burning my heart. If I continue my service in this ignorance I will be burn into ashes.
And paying quick obeisance, first of all before Devotees, I left running the Altar room. And started to chant my rounds outside, in the yet dark yard.
-please, forgive me, dear Father Srila Prabhupada! But I do not understand for what these rituals of signing, serving to Deities, artificial dancing…for those hour I could chant the Holy Names.
Tears flew and they were not ordinary but boiled.
After some minutes my friend came to me and asked surprisingly:
- What is wrong? Are you ok today? You used not to miss Mangala Arati and now I also try to do so. But what is today?
Thanks for darkness, she could not see my red eyes and I replied:
- I do not see any meaning. I want to chant, please let me chant!
- If you do not see any meaning for yourself, it is ok. I also do it as a duty. Know that, we come to the darshan not because we want to see the Lord but He wants to see us. Do you remember? When you wake me up you used to say "Olesya, wake up, Krishna wants to see you! He is waiting for you!" and that only inspired me to wake up.
- Olesya, please you started again your lectures. I know you want for me only good but I feel myself as a nothing. For what Lord wants to see me? For what for Him my singing, dancing, cooking, sewing…? For what? He has numerous Goddesses of Fortunes. He has enough Devotees. Perfect Devotees! Selfless, pride less Devotees! For what for Him this mortal body, mind? I can not do anything perfectly. Anything! Plus, I read that there are only two things are reality in this world:
ME-SOUL AND THE HOLY NAME!
And now, no time, please, let me chant!
Olesya became sad, but was steady in her opinion:
- ok, you have free will, do what you want. But we have to follow Sadhana because Krishna wants us to do so.
Saying these she left.
It increased my pain. I left alone and her words made me to weep more.
The next day most Devotees left the Temple to another city for cultural program. Now only 2 of us – pujaris and 2 more Devotees stayed. Service increased. So by destiny I was forced to sing or to take care of Deities. I felt that These Deities are not ordinary Personalities and They forced me to serve to Them.
It was Sunday. After Morning programs I started to bath Sri Sri Nitay Gour Govinda. Altar room was yet empty. The loud kirtan of His Grace Aindra Prabhu only made me calmer. At least I am listening the Holy Names by performing these rituals. While performing those rituals of washing Deities my mind always prayed:
- Please, my Lord, if You are Lord Himself, give me understanding that while doing these services I do not loose my time! Please! Please! Please! Do something!
Hands were cleaning the Body of the Lord with lemon, ears were merging in the sound vibration – kirtan. My heart was praying and crying.
Suddenly, time stopped for a moment!
- I GOT THE ANSWER!!!
I looked up, my heart fulfilled with gratitude and regret for my misunderstandings.
Deities gave me the understanding that the same Holy Name which were pouring out from His Grace Aindra Prabhu's mouth were standing right before me!!!
My heart cried out:
- Every morning I used to see the Holy Names!
- Every Sunday I used to bath the Holy Names!
- Every day I was feeding the same Holy Names which I was chanting in my beads and which I carried on my mind where ever I go!
And in order to except different types of services the same Holy Names manifested as a Temple, Guru, Deities, Srimad Bhagavatam, Prasadam, paraphernalia…!
After that day I regretted my misunderstandings, apologized before Sril Prabhupada and started to sing Gurvashtakam filled with gratitude.
- Thank you! Thank you! Thank you dear Guru Parampara! Again and again I bow down before you! You came to this World to give me treasure which I do not deserve for. But you were so merciful and seeing my pitiful condition decided to give that to me free of cost.
Yes!!! Understood now only!
Your Form is the same Name Holy!
Me and You alone together!
To love You, for me is religion, nothing other!
Tongue can chant, ear can listen,
Mind's duty is to be on Them.
But now want to chant my hands,
What to say of legs, head and other parts?
For what came You here, I thought,
To accept my tiny service, yes! Why not?
Your heart is soft than a red rose!
With me You are and want back me Home!
Hands can chant cooking, making,
Sewing, messaging, cleaning and washing.
Legs can chant to the Temple coming,
Or going out for flower picking.
Head chants thinking of preaching planning,
Also to His Feet down bowing.
Stomach chants His mercy honoring,
Eyes chant at Him gazing.
The Holy Name instruct me,
In the form of a Devotee.
Also Srimad Bhagavatam classes,
Teach me to do that and this.
You and me together alone!
Only me and You! Oh Holy Naam!
That sound of Murali flute,
Falls down to this World of fault.
Now chant my tongue, hear my ears!
Gaze at Them, O dark brown eyes!
Run, serve here and there!
Dance in ecstasy, fly high and higher!