I have voluntarily divided myself into an observer and the observed. And I'm forcing myself into the active state of observation. I can see the dullness, the laziness, the inertia, the self-conscious fearful habit patterns, the mental chatterings, the sluggishness, the impatience, the restlessness within me. I feel so tired, so worn-out and so helpless that I just want to run away from the state of observation. I feel so frustrated and angry when I see the stuff that I am made up of. It is really painful and the heart-aches are very deep.
One thing that I clearly can see is that the greatest hindrance on the path of sadhana is the forceful habit of laziness. Laziness is the product of inertia which is tamasic. It has given rise to dullness, under activity, restlessness, postponement of action and emotional outbursts like anxiety, fear, impatience and anger.There is no energy, no vitality, no activity, no intensity - and I look and act as though I'm a hundred years older now. The feverishness of the body has been transferred to the mind - the most prominent observation is that there is a marked procrastination of physical action as well as mental decisions.
After so many years of life in this human form, so many experiences, conditionings, deep-rooted habit patterns, thought structures, memories and every single bit of the stuff that the so-called "I" am made up of, today I look at myself carrying the burden of all these - the past, the dead past. I can see how I act (react!) through this dead past, through these habit patterns, through these memories, through these conditionings, through these deep-seated repeating thought structures like a beautifully trained puppet; and the observer in me cries desperately at the agony, at the suffering, at the helplessness, at the sorrow.
I look at myself with awe and wonder when I see how perfectly I dance to the tunes of the past. But my heart aches because I am losing each and every present moment, a golden opportunity to live. Everything appears to be all coloured by these imprints of the past and the present looks like a mere modified past.
This is all the result of not living the learning immediately, without a time lag. And this again is the result of lack of intensity, alertness and urge and passion for life and living. This in turn is related to the physical, mental, emotional structure that I am made up of. It is so easy to fix upon somebody a term so merciless, so unkind and so foolish; that he or she is experiencing the result of his or her past action or inaction. Where does the truth lie?
As much as it is true that we are the receivers of the fruits of our past actions, it cannot be denied that we ourselves were the decision makers of those actions and hence it is evident that we are responsible for every thing that happens to us, as we alone let it happen! When we recognise our own desires taking the toll upon us, and realise that we have almost lost control over their overpowering impact, we are struck by the wonder that we are simultaneously controlling and are controlled by our innate desires. To see this is to know that we are not the Supreme Controllers and this knowledge allows us to let go of our false ego.
A deep understanding comes about when one is visited by a space of humility. Knowing all this is happening in one's life; knowing how helpless one caught in the grip of the false really is; knowing one can't do a thing about oneself; one enters the realm of humility, of surrender. And this is the greatest contribution one makes towards oneself.
When I am aware that I can do nothing about what I am except surrender myself at the Lord's feet, then the responsibility is taken over. When I disown myself, when the property is transferred to its rightful owner, by conscious effort from the whole being, then the Supreme Intelligence of the Lord takes over.
To enter into the beautiful space of humility and surrender is itself the goal of life. Once I am in that space of living silence, then there is only learning - the real learning; and the real living, which is free of all the past and the future, of time and space, of all conditionings.
This comes about only through disciplining the physical and mental structures through conscious effort, through active resistance towards the false, through active rejection of the authority of the habit patterns - this is Rejection in Action - the fruit of which are humility and innocence which become a new dimension in one's life.
To bring about discipline and order in the whole being, to equip oneself with the energy, vitality, intensity, awareness, urge and passion to receive the beauty of love, silence, humility, innocence and intelligence effortlessly, one needs to push oneself through conscious effort initially. Since an urge for motiveless learning leads to limitless growth; the presence of a basic urge for life is a must necessity.
Everything in life is a beautiful experience, a learning - Remain with what is - with the sorrow, the suffering, the impatience, the urge, the helplessness, the pleasure or the pain - whatever is - and open yourself unto the world of prayer. Offer the whole being unto Him. Tell Him every moment that you are His responsibility. Keep on reminding Him that you are not the doer. Become an instrument, a flute in His hands. Allow Him to play music through you. With the beauty and grace of His love and compassion, He will silently breathe life into You, rest assured.
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