Ever “sweetened” a cup of tea with salt or mistaken a chocolate laxative for the real thing? At times being in the company of people can be like that —distasteful and crappy. Negative and overly critical people can be the human equivalent of diarrhea, the shadow in the sunshine of existence. Let's be honest, a lot of the time we are our own worst best friend, the fly in the soup of our life. We can become a cocktail of self-loathing — shaken not stirred — served with the depression of the daily grind. I believe it to be a human beverage, a brew gone horridly wrong. Kahlil Gibran writes, “ Our worst fault is the preoccupation with the faults of others.”
In this article, it is my hope to expose the root of fault finding and practical remedies to overcome these maladies. Unnecessarily finding fault is a detour on our spiritual progression, one that strangles the spiritual seedlings within our hearts.
Perhaps this rings a bell, “ I don’t mean to speak negatively about Mr. Jones but…” Or once we have exposed our critical thoughts and observations justify them by concluding with: “ I’m only pointing out these defects as an attempt to help”. Really? Are we honestly trying to assist or gorging at the teat of gossipy slander and hypocrisy? It's been said that hypocrisy is the homage vice offers to virtue.
A colossal chasm exists between constructive critique and damaging feedback. If we are honorably wishing to aid an individual then our mindset needs to be one of positive affirmation and sincerity — being that persons’ ever well-wisher. “ A critic is someone who never actually goes to the battle yet who afterward comes out shooting the wounded” ( Tyne Daly).
We should analyze our motives when being critical. Many people find it difficult to tolerate the shortcomings of others that they themselves possess. Do you wish to help a friend or family member with an issue they struggle with? Splendid! First, begin with yourself. Criticism can be deceptive, a form of internal espionage. It can be an attempt at self-aggrandizement at the expense of faults and frailties of another. If I can point out the perceived blazing forest fire in your life then my burning curtains are not such a catastrophe. This is known as displacement, an unhealthy psychological release of energy by projecting your shortcomings onto the other. One should be honest and sensitive to the needs of others. Alice Duer Miller points out that if it's painful to critique your friends — you’re safe in doing it. However, if you take the slightest pleasure in it — then bite your tongue.
If you truly have the person's best interests at heart then offer assistance. Don’t just cut them down rather build them up. Administer caring advise and informed suggestions. For the most part, encourage people to try their best, we all have our strengths and limitations. Accept people for who they are, with imperfections and blemishes. Let them be the person that they are and not the one you want them to be. In so doing you can go from fault finder to love finder. Abraham Lincoln advocated, “ He has a right to criticize who has a heart to help.”
Whoever said sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me was possibly never pierced by the arrows of harsh words. Abrasive words cut resulting in emotional and psychological trauma that scars more than just flesh. The human spirit is fragile. Be gentle, kind and empathetic when feelings and emotions of others are at stake. Insensitivity can break a heart, belittle an individual and foster resentment within relationships. If someone throws a stone at you — you should kill them, with kindness — throw at them a flower. Thou do remember to remove the flower pot.
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