HH Sacinandana Swami
to Amrta-vani
Dear receivers of Amrta-vani,
Please accept my humble obeisances. All glories to Srila Prabhupada.
You might be asking yourself why my voice became silent in this forum.
The
answer is found in the following article. Although it is not really
written
for this conference - because it highlights the teaching given by the
great
guru life - I shyly offer it for your own consideration.
Spiritual Surgery and Krishna's Promise
"You can't postpone it any longer," said the surgeon. "We have to do
it
now."
"Okay," I answered, "when is now?"
"As soon as you can be in the operation theater! See you, I am making
the
necessary preparations now," replied my doctor.
This is how my story starts - a story, which many friends asked me to
share.
It is a story of protection and how a divine promise was fulfilled.
Surgery
For years I had been suffering from a festering abscess, sometimes it
was
giving more pain, sometimes less. Since I didn't know what it was and
all
the while hoped that it would disappear, I tried to be patient when
the
bouts of pain came. But one day as I was cleaning my shelf from
unnecessary
things, the pain returned with overwhelming intensity. This time,
however,
there was something new: A voice from within that told me, "Now is the
time.
Go to a specialist. You will get a good address. I will be with you. I
have
promised that I always protect My devotees. Have faith - and don't
fear.
Remember My promise."
There are magical moments in life, when you are absolutely sure that
there
is a higher connection working, and this was one of those moments.
From this
point onwards, everything went ahead with lightning speed. Before I
had time
to rethink and doubt, I was already lying in a bed on wheels, dressed
in an
"angel-fashion" surgery dress. There was a name tag tied to my wrist
with my
diagnosis (to avoid a possible mix-up with other patients who got
wheeled
into the room before the surgery hall, like airplanes before take-
off.)
To be confused here with someone else might mean that your stomach
gets
removed instead of an abscess...
What surprised me was that despite the scary environment of the
surgery
department, I was totally peaceful. So peaceful that all the
assistants who
were busy preparing the instruments and looking after patients who
just
"woke up" were astonished and came over to talk with me. "What
happened to
you? Why are you so composed and happy?" asked the nurses. I didn't
want to
tell them the actual reasons - my two sources of inspiration:
1. The promise
2. And the Saranagati prayers, as I remembered them:
O Lord - You are full of compassion and mercy.
You surely drive away all fears - since everything is under Your
control.
No one else in this world has the power to rescue me.
I have given up everything now and come to Your feet.
I am Your eternal servant and You my only maintainer.
I no longer belong to myself.
I am Yours.
(from Srila Bhaktivinoda Thakura)
Then the anesthetist who had briefed me earlier came, gave me a warm
smile
and asked, "Remember what you have to do?"
I nodded.
"Think of your favorite dream, your spiritual idea, where you really
want to
be... Okay the white liquid enters your vein now - it will burn. Stay
with
your goal! Stay..."
As I tried to concentrate everything around me faded away... But then
there
it was: The sacred river Yamuna - the kalpa vriksha tree and - o could
it be
true... so kind ... so brilliant ... so splendid... o words, why don't
you
come to my help? O weak pen, why do you stop writing...?
The next thing I knew was that I woke up in my room and my secretary
asked
me,
"We informed everyone. Now Ani, the violinist would like to come and
play
violin to lighten your spirit and quicken your recovery. Alright?"
I was surprised, but - yes, it sounded like a good idea!
A World of Suffering and the Magic of Music
During the first night in the hospital, a terminally ill patient
(advanced
colon cancer) was re-admitted in the hospital for an emergency
surgery. All
night he was whimpering in pain despite all the pain medicine pumped
intravenously into his weak body. The next night, the day after his
surgery, he fainted in the bathroom with no-one else to help him than
me,
who was limping out of bed to call a nurse (no one had responded to
the
automatic call system).
Oh, these were wild nights and busy days in a world of suffering.
Soon, the patients got to know that a monk was amongst them and came
to
discuss their problems and ultimate questions.
I remember one patient who had morphine constantly dripping into his
veins,
to divert him from the pain. He said he was already here for two
months and
could see that the doctors did not really know how to help him. I told
him
things like "take shelter" and "awaken your inner pharmacy to heal
yourself," but he looked at me with a despondent smile and said, "I
have no
training in these things."
I spoke to nurses and asked them what their most difficult moments in
their
profession were. Here are three interesting answers:
"When a patient says: 'Leave me alone and let me die,'" said sister
Marga.
"When I have to clean a helpless patient and am exposed to the most
aggressive smells," said a young, beautiful nurse, who was obviously
new in
the field of care.
"When I have to be the one who tells a young person that he came too
late to
the hospital and that he might have to prepare for the inevitable,"
confided
sister Magdalena.
Many kind devotees visited me to give me encouragement and strength.
When Ani finally came and played violin in the room I shared with that
other
patient, my doctor came in, listened to her approvingly and humbly
requested
that she continued playing on the corridor for all the patients to
hear. He
reasoned, "They need to free their minds from fear and desperation,
otherwise how will they heal? Music can bring out the best in us. It
is
therapy."
That day, many doors of station 5 opened to allow the music of life to
enter. Next time we can maybe do kirtana.
Treasures Found in the Hospital
As you see, I carry many impressions from the hospital into my healing
phase, but the one which comes back again and again is how the Lord
fulfilled His promise.
There is a wonderful text about the divine promise:
"It is My vow that if one only once seriously surrenders unto Me,
saying 'My
dear Lord, from this day I am Yours,' and prays to Me for courage, I
shall
immediately award courage to that person, and he will always remain
safe
from that time on."
(CC Madhya-lila 22.34; Ramayana (Yuddha-kanda 18.33))
Krishna is ready to immediately accept someone in His care who
sincerely
says:
"My dear Lord Krishna, although I have forgotten You for so many long
years
in the material world, today I am surrendering unto You. I am Your
sincere
and serious servant. Please engage me in Your service."
(CC Madhya-lila 22.33)
Also Queen Kunti praises Krishna, because He fulfilled His promise:
"Even the sunshine may one day become cool and the moonshine hot, but
still
Your promise will not fail."
(Nectar of Devotion, p. 160)
Throughout my stay in the hospital, I simply could not forget how
Krishna
carried me through the ordeal of a heavy surgery. I strongly felt the
urge
to run on the street, raise my hands and tell the world that Krishna
really
protects someone who sincerely turns to Him.
The one thing required is that one steps out of one's tiny world of
needless
plans and worries and turns with faith towards Him. Then He is
immediately
there, leading, carrying, protecting, supplying, maintaining - in
simple
words: taking care.
Healing
I am now back in Gaura Bhavan, my base outside of Berlin - with a
long, deep
open wound and a happy mind. It's time for healing, both physically
and
otherwise. Every event in this world has several dimensions. My
prayer is
that the surgery did not just remove an abscess, but wrong conceptions
of
life. May the clouds of anxieties, worries and so on not come back
any
longer. May they disperse once and for all times not only for me, but
for
the many people who are known and unknown to me as well.
As one Chinese monk (Wu-men) once said befittingly:
"If your mind isn't clouded by unnecessary things, this is the best
season
of your life."
Epilogue: Thoughts After Full Anesthesia
I am just returning from the doctor who examined the slowly healing
wound
(nothing to worry). Naturally, I reflect on my life after I will be
well
again. What will be my emphasis? While driving through Berlin familiar
sights of the city flash by, and my thoughts again go back to the
anesthesia. In anesthesia, the known world around us fades away and
totally
disappears. We enter the region of the unconscious mind and rove
around in
unknown territory where we stumble upon many strange figures and
happenings.
But when we wake up, we have forgotten everything. Only an eerie
feeling
remains - if at all.
These days it strongly appears to me that what I experience now of the
material world is comparable to the visions of a person under full
anesthesia. It's not the real world. It's illusory and not highly
attractive. Only when we wake up to our original natural spiritual
consciousness are we in real life.
Then there is again love, again connection, again Radha Krishna (God),
again
home, again unbounded happiness...
How much I long to wake up to that eternal reality only the stars who
witnessed my prayers know. I am aware that for the spiritual reality
to
fully reveal itself, I need to be completely released and clear from
the
anesthesia of material life, for as Thoreau once expressed so well:
Only
that day dawns, to which we are awake.
I sincerely hope that, in sharing both the dark and the bright side of
my
story, you have gotten inspirations and courage for your spiritual
path.
What I wish to say in so many words is simple: Krishna fulfills His
promise
- we just need to let go of the unnecessary things in our lives to
receive
His gifts.
Better we do it on our own ...
(written in spring 2010)
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