In the course of providing Prem Yogi with materials for doing his translation work, I was exposed, at least to myself, as being a grossly, materially attached, neophyte. Of the few items I count as my own, my AIWA tape recorder is my prize possession. I use it for playing song tapes and listening to Srila Prabhupada's lecture tapes. Srila Prabhupada has seen me using it, and this morning he called me into his room. He said he needed a tape recorder for Prem Yogi to do his translation work. I was happy to oblige, thinking it would be a temporary arrangement. But then I realized that Prabhupada wanted to give it to him, and I baulked, trying to think how to get out of it.
My attachment was so strong that within my mind I objected to the idea that Srila Prabhupada could just give away something that was "mine, and not his." This surge of petty possessiveness that sprang from my heart clouded my thinking, and I left his room feeling miserable. I was miserable because I didn't want to lose my precious tape recorder, and doubly miserable because I did not just unhesitatingly give it up for the pleasure of Srila Prabhupada.
The fact that I was feeling so offended and disturbed over what is, after all, a cheap bit of plastic and metal machinery, created a tremendous conflict within me. I forgot that everything I have is "mine" only by the mercy of Srila Prabhupada and Krsna. If I was truly surrendered I would have felt joyful that Srila Prabhupada was getting some valuable use from it.
After wrestling with my stupid mind, I resolved within myself to stop being foolish and gladly hand it over to His Divine Grace. But then Prabhupada called me into his room again and said that he didn't need my tape recorder after all. Prem Yogi had obtained one from elsewhere and mine was not required.
Embarrassed, and with new realizations of the way Srila Prabhupada and Krsna had mercifully exposed another anartha within my heart, I offered my obeisances and went back to my room.
- From "A Transcendental Diary Vol 4" by HG Hari Sauri Prabhu
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