There are times when I think lowly of myself, not so much to do with my twenty years of my life before I entered into monkhood. I really can’t feel too ashamed of a phase innocent, young and naive but I do have moments of when I have flashes of past, what I would call, misbehaviours that do humble me. I must say that I swear on not breaking any major vows I committed myself to, but I do feel terrible about mistreatment towards others while in the course of life as a monk. For instance shortly after I joined and had morphed myself into the renounced life I went to visit my family and, of course, I wanted to share with them my newfound lifestyle. I was zealous, but definitely over-zealous. To be very blunt, I came across as a fanatic and self-righteous.
The situation that I was in was natural because I was simply a neophyte and hadn’t accepted or assimilated things so maturely. I can forgive myself for displaying pride in my dealings because I was still young at 21 and no one really trained me how to deliver Krishna Consciousness properly. I believe that others in the ashram probably had a similar experience in their breaking the news to their loved ones about the change in lifestyle. For many of us in the early 70’s it was a radical change.
In any event I have been wrestling with some reflections of the past that I regret now and how over the years been able to smooth out relations that did start out harsh.
Source: https://www.thewalkingmonk.net/post/regrets-from-a-neophyte
Comments