I am not of Indian decent. So the idea of me being an American devotee may seem strange to some. But let me tell you why I became a devotee of Lord krishna. So I grew up in Antioch, Illinois. My family was strictly Catholic, so as a baby I was immediately baptised and at the age of 6 received first communion, then began to altar serve. I loved it so much, and I loved meeting new friends, so life was great. However things took a dark turn. I was a victim of molestation. At that time one of the men who worked there called father Adam was very sexually intimate with me. It all happened when I finished altar serving, father afam was telling me how good I was at serving, and told me he wanted to show me something. No more details will be explained as the rest is irrelevant. I became very quiet and told my mom and dad I felt very dirty and unclean. They thought I had an issue with anxiety or something, so they went to see a psychiatrist to see what happened. She told them it might be because I was molested or violates, so I went to therapy. Years later I struggled with major anxiety and depression. In high school I met the person of my dreams. He made me feel like I had a place to be my self and let go of anxiety. However this all changed when I figured out this person was cheating on me with two other people. I felt my self worth lower beyond belief. I began to pray to Jesus for days on end asking him to help me and take away the pain, every time it was no response. So I began to invest in new religions. My first was islam. Every time there was a religious service I would go to mosque. However as I began to research islam I realized I didn't agree with its philosophy. Then I tried out jainism, sikhiam, buddhism, etc. However nothing eorked. One fatal night when my parents were working and my sister was with her friends and my brother also at work, I took pills and drank. Passing out I expected to die, but my parents actually just came home when this happened. I was rushed to the hospital and thankfully after long painful processes I survived I had to stay in the hospital for weeks to get my depression settled but nothing worked. I came back depressed and mad at life. I had to go back again. This time something amazing happened. When I woke up the nurse told me there was a gift for me from my friend. It was called bhagavan gita. It was a gift from my friend radhika. I heard a bit about her philosophy but didn't care for it, as I was done with religion. But life in the hospital was hell, every day it was the same. It was all blood tests and medication and interviews with psychiatrists so I was on the verge of insanity. So I read the book and too my surprise I actally liked it. I especially liked arjuna because he was just like me. He was crying and it felt like what I was going through. But Krishna, the Supreme Lord encouraged arjuna amidst all the sorrow. The gita taught me me many things about mental distress, peace, happiness, god, eternal life, and the purpose of life. I actually forgot I was in the hospital reading the gita.After a while I left the hospital and asked my friend if it was alright I went to her temple. She was overjoyed to tell me yes and we both went. The kirtan was so blissful. I had no idea what they were chanting, but it soothed my mind. As the kirtan was going I looked at the face of Lord krishna statue, and felt all my distress leave me, like a black cloud suffocating me vanished. I asked her who that was and she replied "Lord krishna! The Supreme personality of godhead!" I asked what that meant and she told me it meant krishna was the original supreme bring from which all energies originate from. One time at the temple I stated into an image of Lord krishna playing his flute. As I stated I forgot everything material and simply looked at the painting. I could no longer see the wooden frame surrounding the image, nor did I hear anything that was going on in the temple. Everything was silent. I couldn't think of anything. I simply saw only krishna and only his transcendental form was my only thought. Suddenly I could hear birds chirping and wind blowing on leaves, and water flowing. My soul had actually left this material world into the spiritual sky. After a while I found myself on a bed in the temple. They had found me passed out on the floor so they brought me to a bed. The people were so generous and offered me prasadam. They wanted to know what happened, and I told them what happened.They said it was samadhi, the concentration on the Supreme lord. That very night I had a dream of krishna face. The next morning I felt a wave of energy l didn't feel depressed, and my wounds from sexual abuse were gone. Traveling several months layer I lost my desire to eat meat. Whenever someone told me they were hungry for a burger or a stake or some chicken wings I would feel sick or lightheaded. One time we were at a steak house, my friends and family eating stakes. I had an uneasy feeling so I ate nothing, I just had water. As I saw them eat their stakes, something happened. I had a weird vision where the steak looked from being freshly cooked and seasoned, into gushy raw disgusting meat I gagged and ran to the bathroom and threw up. I couldn't see meat the same way ever again. I used to live the smell of meat but whenever I smelled it I would be on the verge of vommiting. On Thanksgiving my parents cooked a big turkey. Everyone enjoyed their food and prayed to god thanking them for the turkey. In my mind I thought "Why would you thank God for the murder of an animal" I went to my room and cried, in visioning all the animals in the slaughter house. Calfs being dragged away from their mothers and pigs being beaten, and the cows being slaughtered in the most gruesome way. My mom told me God gave us animals to eat and I told her that theory is like saying God gave us murderers to murder. U told her if she were to eat a hamburger made out of human meat she wouldn't taste the difference. My friend radhika took me to govindas. (Please go there!) And the food was amazing! I eat so much and always wanted more. But the moment I ate something material like a unsanctified salad I lost interest. I became so skinny and my parents insisted I ate something but I didn't care. Me not eating food never bothered me in the slightest, but when I ate prasadam I would eat nonstop. Soon I read more of prabhupadaa books like caitanya caritamrta and teachings of Lord caitanya. I loved reading these books. Finally I became a devotee of Lord krishna. In the sankirtan party at ratha yatra I became so ecstatic with love of God that I fainted! When I heard the name haribol being chanted I regained consciousness. It had been 2 years since I became a devotee and I am so happy! Srila prabhupada ki! Jai! Sri krishna caitanya Mahaprabhu Ki! Jai! Haribol!
Prabhuji you are the most beloved one of Krishna .....if I get dust of your lotus feet perhaps I will get drops of bhakti to satisfy myself.......you are the best devotee and pure whom Krishna had given trance many times.....every soul pray a lot for the samadhi moment......Hari bol...Radhey bol.Hari Hari.
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