A friend recently wrote to me looking for a solution to a dilemma he found himself in. One of his spiritual mentors was heavily pushing him that he should start chanting 64 rounds a day. Our friend obediently started doing that, but very quickly found that if he did so it was not possible for him to both chant so much and help take care of his wife and children. Below is an edited version of my reply to him:
My pranams Prabhuji. You may take instructions and inspiration from many people. There is no harm in that.
The building that we live in is called an ashram. It is a place of asraya or shelter — both for your spiritual (your bhajan) and your physical – health and well-being. For those of us who do not yet have a firm higher taste, we have to stay within the shelter of that building — that ashram. My Guru Maharaja (Sri Srimad Gour Govinda Maharaja) used to tell grhastha devotees, “Your first obligation is taking care of your wife and children.”
Once when Guru Maharaja was visiting the UK he did a program at the home of one of my godbrothers. After the program finished, Guru Maharaja got into a car to go. All the men there who could squeeze in, including the grhastha devotee whose home the program took place at all jumped in — all eager for more sanga with Guru Maharaja.
Suddenly, Guru Maharaja noticed that grhastha devotee who had hosted the program, “Stop!” He shouted at him, “Out! Get out! Your wife is pregnant. Your first duty is to be with her protecting her.”
Over the years we have sadly seen too many devotees forget about the deep spiritual promise to Guru and Krishna that they made in the form of accepting a Vaishnavi as wife and protecting her and their children. Serving and taking care of a Vaishnava wife and children is a sacred promise and duty. It is a great blessing and responsibility that must be given all priority. Just as you have to maintain the ashram building so that your bhajan is spiritually and physically protected, so too you have to protect your grhastha ashram — your wife and children — otherwise there will be a great disturbance to you both physically and spiritually — a disturbance that may destroy you. This is further compounded by the fact that if you neglect the care of your Vaishnavi wife and children then you will be committing a grave Vaishnava aparadha.
You have to decide how many rounds that you will chant. More important than number is steadiness and quality. I know that your Guru Maharaja (and many other exalted acaryas) chant one lakh a day or more. I deeply appreciate and respect that. However, for the record, I never saw my Guru Maharaja instruct anyone to chant a lakh a day. I don’t know of a single disciple who he told to do so. It doesn’t mean that it’s not helpful to do so, or that he would not appreciate us doing it, but for some reason I never saw him instruct anyone that way. To the contrary I repeatedly observed him telling devotees not to try to chant more. He often said, “Chant 16 good quality, attentive rounds.” He told us, “Srila Prabhupada gave everything in 16 rounds.” Several times I heard him tell individuals, “You cannot chant 64 rounds. Stick to 16.”
Once a few of my godbrothers were speaking among themselves. They were saying that Guru Maharaja must be chanting one lakh a day or doing some kind of private special bhajan. At that time one of Gurudeva’s senior devotees overhead their discussion and went to see Guru Maharaja privately. He told Guru Maharaja what they had said and asked if he was chanting one lakh or doing some kind of special bhajan. Guru Maharaja replied, “They are fools. I’ve only ever chanted 16 rounds. From those rounds I’ve realized my svarupa and the svarupa of my Gurudeva. I’ve never chanted more. I’ve gotten everything from 16 (attentive!) rounds.
I don’t mean to minimize or disagree with anything your mentor told you. That’s between you and him. It’s for you to decide how many rounds you will chant. No doubt it is always good to chant more. But if that chanting results in you neglecting your young wife and children I don’t think that guru or Krishna will be pleased.
Personally, I see service and taking care of my Vaishnavi wife as an extension of my japa.
If you serve and love your Vaishnava spouse and children as the personified joy of your heart then you may find that’s what they become.
These are my humble thoughts on this subject. Below are some statements from our acaryas on this topic.
Service to our Vaishnava family should be done as service to guru. Srila Vishwanath Chakrarvati Thakur has written about guru-seva in his Sarartha Darsini-commentary of the Bhagavata (4.28.34):
========== sutan hitveti pativrata patyur iva guroh sevayam pravrttah sisyah sravana kirtanadinyapi bhogan tad utthana premanandan api grhan tad ucita vivikta sthalam api naivapeksate. sri guru sevayaiva sukhena sarva sadhya siddhyartham ityupadesa vyanjitah…….. guru sevaya eva vedena sarvadhikasyoktatvat.
“A devoted and chaste wife, while absorbed in the service of her husband, does not care even for her son. Similarly, a disciple deeply absorbed in the service of the guru does not depend on hearing and chanting, knowing that by guru-seva he can easily attain complete perfection in devotion. Just as a devoted wife does not want any sense enjoyment and home comfort, so too, a disciple completely absorbed in guru-seva does not seek even divine bliss arising out of hearing and chanting nor even seek secluded places suitable to bhajana.” ==========
Again, we should see having a devotee spouse and raising devotee children as a service to Guru and Krishna. Consider the following statements. Srila Prabhupada wrote the following famous letter to our friend Arundhati on 30 July 1972:
=============== “Please accept my blessings. I am in due receipt of your letter dated July 19, 1972, and I am simply surprised that you want to give up your child to some other persons, even they are also devotees. For you, child-worship is more important than deity-worship. If you cannot spend time with him, then stop the duties of pujari. At least you must take good care of your son until he is four years old, and if after that time you are unable any more to take care of him then I shall take care. These children are given to us by Krishna, they are Vaisnavas and we must be very careful to protect them. These are not ordinary children, they are Vaikuntha children, and we are very fortunate we can give them chance to advance further in Krishna Consciousness. That is very great responsibility, do not neglect it or be confused. Your duty is very clear.” ===============
=============== “If you have taken a wife for grhastha life, why are you neglecting? That is not Vaisnava. Vaisnava means he is very much responsible, and if he is householder, then he must be responsible. I cannot give sannyasa to any devotee who has not proven himself to be responsible in all respects. Better you prove yourself first by being ideal householder and forget all this nonsense.” (Srila Prabhupada letter to Mahatma on 16 July 1972) ===============
=============== “Married life is serious business. If you have taken wife, you must be completely responsible for her throughout your life. She shall always serve and obey you without fail, and you shall instruct her in Krishna Consciousness and act as her spiritual master. Otherwise, without husband, women have great difficulty to make spiritual advancement. So if we have to develop a perfect society of scientific arrangement for making spiritual progress, then so many women will be there, so what shall they do? They have also come to Krishna, we cannot reject them. Therefore, I have advised my students to get themselves married.” (Srila Prabhupada letter to Danavir. 17 December 1972) ===============
Srila Bhaktisiddhanta Saraswati once said:
=============== “Do not see your fathers and mothers as a means to your own sense gratification, but as Krishna’s fathers and mothers. Do not see your sons as a means to your personal enjoyment, but as belonging to the group of servitors of Bala Gopal. Engage your eyes in seeing the kadamba tree, the river Yamuna and its sandy bank, and the beauty of the full moon. Then you won’t have any more mundane feelings. You will see Goloka, and the splendor of Goloka will be manifest in your home. Hence you will not have any material feelings for your home. You will be relieved from propensities for ordinary householder life.” – Sri Bhaktisiddhanta Vaibhava volume III part 4 ===============
Srila Prabhupada wrote to Advaita’s wife, Balai on 21 July 1969:
=============== “In materialistic marriages generally there are too many troubles and frustrations because the basic principle for both the husband and wife is their own personal sense gratification. Therefore there is inevitable conflict and divorce petition. But in a Krishna conscious marriage the basic principle is for both husband and wife to serve Krishna nicely and to help the partner advance in spiritual life. In this way both the husband and wife are true benefactors for one another and there is no question of any serious conflicts or separation. So I am sure that to have such nice parents who are devotees of Lord Krishna, your child Nandini is very, very fortunate. In the Bhagavad-gita Krishna instructs us that for one to be born in the family of devotees means that such person was the most pious of all living entities. So raise Nandini very carefully in Krishna consciousness, and surely Krishna will bestow all blessings upon you and your family.” ===============
I hope that these thoughts give you some inspiration and encouragement. Please don’t make a terrible offense and fall down due to neglecting the service of your devotee wife and children — even if it is done in the so-called name of nama-bhajan.
Source: http://www.dandavats.com/?p=103816
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