My glum feeling continued, which I shared under `Elephant's bathing' post. I felt very gloomy the whole evening and did not know what to do. Should I share with anyone, Sumeet Prabhu or Karuna Prabhuji ? Or should I share with my Guru Maharaj or HG Rukmini Krishna Prabhuji and tell them how much I can fall. Let them scold me. I felt ashamed telling them, I also thought do I have to always approach them with what is bad happening within me. I then thought of driving to Vrindavana and try to get myself `purified'. None of these suggestions would make me feel at ease.
I woke up next morning at 3.30am, slept back, and then waking up again at 5.30am I resolved to go to Punjabi Bagh temple. It was a working day for me but somehow I listened to my inner self and went there.
I reached temple around 9.15 am. It was a festive atmosphere due to Balram Jayanti, and as a special bonus HH Lokanath swami maharaj was giving the morning class on Balram Katha. HH Lokanath swami maharaj ki jai ! I felt somewhat at ease and tried to listen attentively. The katha got over around 10am and then the darshan opened.
As I looked at the beautiful Sri Sri Krishna Balram, I realised something ticked inside me. As I paid my obeisances, I felt Lord Balram asking me `will you stop doing `it'.' He didn't scold me or didn't make me remember my problem, just said will I stop it. In my own heart I replied to Him that I try sincerely but still lose control over my mind. I told Him if He were to hold my hand then I won't do it again, ever. But He will have to promise me that He will not leave my hand. He replied in affirmative and gave me His hand to clasp. I held His hand and my obeisances were complete.
I was immediately cheerful, thankful and so full of energy. I wanted to sing, I wanted to dance and dance right there. Of course, the hall was full to its capacity and everyone was jostling to take their Lordship's Darshan. I went outside the temple and bought a pair of garlands, offered it to Sri Krishna and Sri Balram with my deepest feelings of gratitude. I then paid my obeisances to Srila Prabhupada, thanked him profusely for such good association all around me and came out a changed man.
I have resolved to keep my promise to Lord Balram and would not dare to spoil my new found friendship with Him, not the least at the cost of my roving rascal mind. I will never ever leave His hand.
All Glories to Srila Prabhupada.
All Glories to Sri Guru and Gauranga.
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