tapta-kanchana-gaurangi
radhe vrindavaneshvari
vrishabhanu-sute devi
pranamami hari-priye
O Srimati Radharani, I offer my respects to You whose bodily complexion is like molten gold.
O Goddess, You are the queen of Vrindavana. You are the daughter of King Vrishabhanu, and are very dear to Lord Krishna.
samsara-sagare ghore
bhitam mam sharanagatam
sarvebhyo 'pi vinirmuktam
kuru radhe surshvari
O Radha, I have fallen into the horrible ocean of birth and death and am frightened,
but I am seeking Your shelter. O queen of the demigods, please free me from all fears.
mahabhava-svarupa tvam
krishna-priya-variyasi
prema-bhakti-prade devi
radhike tvam namamy aham
O Srimati Radharani, You are the exalted form of mahabhava, therefore You are the most dear to Krishna. O Goddess, You alone are able to bestow pure love for the Supreme Lord; therefore I offer my humble obeisances unto You.
Tags: PRAYERS, RADHARANI., SRIMATI, THREE,
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8 Tips for Parenting Older Children (Adolescents and Teenagers)
by Krsnanandini Devi Dasi & Tariq Saleem Ziyad of the Dasi-Ziyad Family Institute
You’ve heard it before and may be experiencing it now: Parenting an adolescent or older child can be tough. Frequently, older children can shock you with their self-centered, rude, irrational, ungrateful, lazy and defiant behavior. Believe it or not, these characteristics are not rare tin the confusing and uncertain period of adolescent growth and development. As the parents of 19 children altogether, we want to share some thoughts that helped us raise the wonderful children we have.
1. Read and study some of the available scientific information about adolescence and the teen-age syndrome. Read magazine articles about the physiological and mental changes that adolescence brings. In this way, you will become familiar with the developmental stages of adolescence, understanding that there are specific feelings, attitudes, physical changes (including brain and other metabolic/hormonal transformations) that will give you insight into the very real challenges accompanying the growth and development of your older children.
2. Clarify in open, clear terms what is acceptable behavior and what is not. Make sure there is a clear understanding of the consequences of unacceptable behavior. When possible, let the children share in identifying suitable consequences. Give your adolescent or teen-ager some things that he or she can have charge over (for example, their bedroom with certain oversight by parents). Sit down and review the rules for visits to and from friends, curfew, television time, chores (every adolescent /teen-ager should have some regular daily and weekly chores, allowance. It’s a good idea to have your child write or type these rules out. Try to avoid being rigid or harsh. Firmness is not rigidity. Negotiate when you can and try to be creative and flexible with your demands of your children, giving them more responsibility when they demonstrate they can handle it. Model the behavior you expect from your older children. They can smell a hypocrite a mile away. If you require honesty from them, and you should, be honest yourself. If you tell them that smoking is bad for their health, then don’t smoke. If you want them to listen to you, listen to them.
3. Acknowledge to your children that you too went through the puberty/teenage syndrome. Share some insights, challenges and hard lessons you learned. Set ground rules for discussions.
4. Reach out to a support system of friends, teachers, community folk who are experienced and or trained in dealing or caring for teen-agers themselves. Ask for help when you need it.
5. Realize that this stage, this teen-age phase, shall pass away. Pray for patience and more patience. As your adolescent strains to become independent, grapples with choices and comes to see that he or she “knows much more than you,” about everything, be patient. Sometimes teenagers just need to vent. Even though as parents, we wish that we had a mystical remote control to fast forward past the challenging time of adolescence to a more mature, considerate young adult, there is no such magical remote.
6. Re-create your relationship with your teen-ager periodically. Do some fun things with your adolescent/older children. Often parents are so stressed with their older child that the thought of spending recreational time with them is not at all appealing. Additionally, older children often want to be far away from their parents and prefer the company of their peers. While peer association is important and should be allowed (although screened,) parents should gently but firmly insist that once a week, they play a game, watch a movie, cook, walk, shop, or engage in a hobby with their older child. Give the child the opportunity to choose the activity when possible.
7. Practice the communication technique of respectful speaking/reflective listening with your adolescent. This invaluable technique will counteract one of the most common complaints of teenagers: “parents don’t listen to them”. This technique, although perhaps initially awkward, really works. You listen to your children and they listen to you. As parents, the Reflective listening/Respectful speaking technique can and should be learned. Attend a communication workshop or order a DVD from a family program that will show parents how to implement the technique. Parents will learn how to “talk so that their child will listen and listen so that their child will talk”.
8. Let your children understand that there are consequences for every choice they make. Sometimes, we’re tempted to shield them from these consequences, to bail them out of a difficult situation they have created. Try to avoid doing this because such shielding or bailing out can tremendously interfere with their sense of responsibility and their mature learning. Remember, as the philosopher, Kahlil Gibran has stated, “Your children are not your children; they are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for Itself”. At worst, we become weak or negligent caretakers. At best, we can become good stewards, taking excellent care of Life’s children by imparting the necessary love, character and environment for the healthy growth and development of these interesting children called adolescents or teenagers.
Some Common Challenges Internal
* Thinking family duties are a hindrance rather than part of the process
* Thinking that family life means that spiritual life will automatically decrease
* Thinking that a family’s spiritual program has to be identical to that at a temple (usually too long and complex to do at home); the “all or nothing” mentality
* Lack of enthusiasm esp. regarding sadhana; feelings of hopelessness
Helpful attitudes
* If I believe something is important, then I’ll find a way to do it. Krishna will help.
* It’s not necessary to structure my family’s spiritual program exactly like that of a temple; we can be creative
* Creativity and flexibility in general (home-based business, part-time work, ways of including the children in taking responsibility for part of worship, and so forth) can solve many seemingly insolvable problems of integration
* Family life and spiritual life are not in opposition but support one another. Challenges, if met responsibly, help our spiritual growth.
Some Common Challenges External
* Work and/or school schedules which make regular spiritual practices at the same time each day difficult
* Not having good devotional means of recreation and therefore going for mundane sources of entertainment
Practical ways to integrate spiritual practices by having programs in the home:
* Having a scheduled time (which includes regulated sleeping)
* Set up a special place, such as an altar and temple room
* Encourage full family participation (not leaving the children sleeping; both husband and wife participating)
* Ask, should there be rewards/consequences for participation by the children?
* Consider together with other families
* Eliminate disturbances (such as TV or activities that tend to keep people up late)
* If a family generally has a home program, consider a weekly scheduled temple
Practical ways to integrate spiritual practices by attending temple programmes:
* Attend temples that have a program adapted to the needs of working families and school-attending children.
* Are there temples that have a room for mothers with small children?
* Establish a place in temples for toys, colouring, etc. for small children.
* Is there a welcoming attitude on the part of temple leaders?
* Co-operate with other families, who want to establish family-friendly facilities.
* If such facilities don’t exist, try to constructively address such needs.
Some things, if done consistently, will promote healthy, spiritual interactions amongst family members. One is having a weekly family meeting. At this meeting, you will hear from all family members, children and adults, about what’s going well and what’s not, choose your weekly family activity (Krsna or other uplifting, educational movies or games, physical activity such as bike-riding or walking, etc.) and reserve this time free of interruption from telephones, computers, televisions and other distractions. Family members will come to treasure these unique, interesting family times.
Initially, you may encounter some resistance, especially from older children. However, gently insist and eventually they will come around. Some family meetings will be funny, some serious but always they should take place and always they should allow everyone to contribute. It may be necessary to clarify a few ground rules: everyone gets a chance to speak if they want, take turns, speak respectfully and listen carefully, full attention has to be given (thus no individual cell or computer usage). All family members should each get the opportunity to select a family activity. Parents can utilize this time to share financial concerns with their children. At early ages, teach them about bills, costs, interest rates, etc., giving in charity to spread Krsna's mission and budgeting. Connect allowances, (if you give them) with chores completed responsibly.
by Krsnanandini devi dasi
1. Recognition of God – The Supreme Owner
Act with the understanding that everything belongs to God. At best, we are careful stewards of God’s resources, energies and talents. At worst, we are deluded and become cheaters and thieves who claim another’s property as our own.
2. Careful Stewardship
Since everything belongs to God, shouldn’t we use God’s resources in His service? Prosperous people consciously perform their duties taking care of self, family and community as an act of worship. Realize you’ve been entrusted with family, talents, wealth, etc., that are really not your own. Prosperous people “plan their work and work their plan,” through budgeting, keeping good financial records, and reacting a vision of their prosperity through goal setting.
3. Thriftiness
“Waste not, want not”. Consider that everything you waste has consequences, such as producing scarcity. Sometimes just a little care or thoughtfulness will prevent great waste. We get information from scriptures and saints that there is no waste in the eternal spiritual world. Increasing prosperity requires reducing waste.
4. Give and you may receive
This is perhaps the most misunderstood principle of prosperity. Tithing or regularly and consistently giving of your net income to further good causes and assist the needy is a fundamental principle. This tithing is an investment in the divine bank of the universe. Sometimes when we feel scarcity, there is a tendency to hoard. This is really the time to give. Giving of your time is also important.
5. Live a regulated, disciplined life
“Early to bed, early to ride makes a person healthy, wealthy and wise” (Benjamin Franklin). Organize regular prayer, time for the family and donation to charity.
6. Live simply, but think highly
Adopting a simple lifestyle, give up the tendency to over-collect, to buy things we don’t need and to hanker for what others have. Simplicity leaves room for more important things.
7. Cultivate a “prosperity consciousness”; eliminate the “poverty consciousness”
Realize that God, our Creator, our best well-wisher, wants us to prosper. It is directly the will of Providence that we have abundant health and the capacity to care for ourselves and fulfil our responsibilities. Prosperity consciousness means practicing all these 8 principles consistently and regularly without neglecting any.
8. Share your success with others
Be an example for another. Teach someone how to do what you have done. Share the benefit of your successful techniques and skills with others.
The following points are useful to keep in mind for dealing with all types of conflict, from mild differences of opinion up to serious tensions.
* Try to see all conflict as an opportunity for growth.
Conflict is natural in this world. Different opinions, tensions and even more serious conflict can lead to positive change.
* Focus on your same interests vs. different positions.
Two parties can have the same interests but their position may be quite different. For example, a husband and wife may want to discipline an energetic child. This is their common interest. However, their “position” may be different—one may want to discipline the child by spanking, the other by non-physical means.
* Don’t take all conflicts personally; separate people from problems.
When you encounter challenges or difficulties, first seek to understand the source. For example, at the grocery store, you may get upset with an overworked cashier because you’ve been waiting too long. Perhaps, it is the manager who is responsible, since he should open more lines.
* Separate people from their behaviour.
Labelling people disempowers them and fails to acknowledge that they have the ability and often the desire to change. For example, rather than saying “You are a fool for losing those keys,” say “When you lose the keys, I feel really upset because I hate being late.”
* Remember that perception is relative.
The way you perceive events may be quite different from the way others do. For example, several people witness the same crime, but each gives a significantly different version of the incident.
* Cultural differences must be taken into account.
People growing up in other cultures and other parts of the world may be taught different social rules and different values. For example, in the United States, we’re generally taught to look people directly in the eye whereas in many oriental cultures, it is a sign of disrespect to look an elder in the eye.
Signs of Abusive Relationships
The following items are symptoms that may indicate abuse. In themselves they do not signify abuse, but they should raise concern:
1. Your partner has a history of abuse.
2. You tend to give more than you receive in the relationship; you perceive that your relationship is not reciprocal.
3. You think your spouse or partner has much potential but it just never seems to manifest, even after much time spent together.
4. You fear “being yourself” in the association of your spouse.
5. People you love and trust advise you that your spouse is not acting in your best interest.
6. Your spouse consistently tells lies and is generally devious.
The following are symptoms of abuse:
1. Your partner doesn’t take responsibility for his or her actions and often blames you instead.
2. You relinquish more and more of the social or spiritual standards you have previously established in order to acknowledge the demands of your spouse and to keep the peace in your relationship.
3. Your spouse often ridicules your opinions or ideas, calls you names, or embarrasses you in public.
4. You are regularly subjected to unwarranted jealousy and controlling behaviour, even to the point of isolation from family and friends.
5. Your partner or spouse often makes excuses for his or her neglectful or hurting actions. Frequently, he or she will apologize without making any changes in conduct. There is inconsistency between words (e.g. promises) and conduct.
6. You are subjected to physical, emotional or verbal violence.
Five Tips for Parents
Use discipline, not punishment
Discipline teaches; punishment hurts. When our children need to be corrected, choose a consequence that will teach them and increase their self-esteem rather than hurt them. Hitting does little to positively instruct children. Instead, it teaches them that it is okay to hit others when they are upset.
Two types of consequences teach: natural and logical. A natural consequence is an environmental reaction to our child’s behavior. As parents, we often want to protect our children from having to experience unpleasant outcomes to their behaviors, but as long as the reaction is not dangerous, we can welcome natural teaching moments.
Some examples of natural consequences are: A child refuses to wear a sweater on a chilly day, so feels cold. A child overeats and gets a stomachache. A child refuses to do his/her homework and the teacher keeps him/her after school (teachers are usually much better at dealing with homework refusal than parents).
Not every situation, however, leads to natural consequences. That is when parents need creative, logical consequences. If a child breaks something, depending on the child’s age, he or she can fix or pay for it. If children decorate your living room wall with a crayon mural, they can wash the wall. In this way, children learn to make amends for their behaviors and bad choices. This builds healthy self-esteem and helps children learn responsibility.
Validate your child’s feelings
Sometimes we become upset hearing our children express strong negative feelings about themselves or others. If a child says, “I hate myself,” we may reply, “You don’t really feel like that,” or “That isn’t true.” Children who frequently have their feelings denied lose confidence in their ability to identify them. Denying their feelings also inhibit children from exploring the reasons they have them. It is more helpful to validate children’s feelings by reflecting back what they say to you. “You feel like everybody hates you today.” In general this allows the child to express what happened or what thoughts led to those feelings.
Catch your child doing something right
Studies show that children are exposed to far more verbal criticism and negativity than encouragement and praise. Parents are often so preoccupied with family responsibilities that they virtually ignore their young children until they are disruptive. Then the children are attacked with an arsenal of no’s, don’ts, and stops. For many children, negative attention is better than no attention, so a parent’s reaction can actually reinforce unruly behavior. To counteract this dynamic, take time out every so often to praise smaller children for playing nicely together and getting along. This will give children a positive view of themselves and reinforce positive behavior.
Know your child’s strengths and weaknesses
Some parents have trouble seeing a have trouble seeing a child’s weaknesses. A realistic child’s strengths; others assessment of both can help you plan meaningful activities for your child. Encourage and promote your child’s special abilities in whatever way is available and affordable. For example, if your child shows musical talent, see what lessons or groups are available to help develop that talent.
Understanding your child’s deficits is equally important. Seek additional assistance to help your child improve in these areas. Your child’s teachers and other adults who have regular contact with your child can also share their observations and suggestions.
Get to know your child’s teachers and friends
Teachers often spend more time with our child than we do and may have valuable insights into our child’s nature and give helpful advice. So, be in regular contact with your child’s teachers. This will also convey to the teachers that you are interested and involved in your child’s education.
Getting to know your child’s friends tells your child that you are interested in his/her life outside the home. Good relationships with your child’s friends will also help.
Ways to Be a Better Dad
Have a great relationship with your child’s mother
Research shows that children do best when their loving, biological parents raise them. If you are married, make your relationship the best it can be. Read books on marriage, take seminars, join a couple’s support group, or get counseling from a professional.
If you are no longer married to your child’s mother, then work on having a positive relationship with her. Children identify strongly and feel loyalties with both parents. When there is conflict, children are often caught in the middle and pressured to take sides. This harms the children’s sense of self and their ability to have healthy relationships. If your relationship is strained, do whatever works to improve it.
Spend quality and quantity time with your child
Both you and your children benefit when they are a priority in your life. You will feel the satisfaction of seeing them develop and your children will feel valued and encouraged to develop well. Some fathers say their children are important, but this means little if they have no time for them.
Spending time with our children when they are small is like depositing money in a relationship bank account. When they reach adolescence, the bond we have built will protect our children from negative activities, make them more likely to succeed in their education and will help them have positive relationships with their peers.
Do things together that foster God consciousness
There are many activities we can do with our children that will help them to become conscious of the Lord and to respect His magnificent creation. Here are some ideas:
Be a good role model
A famous cliché says that behavior speaks louder than words. Once in India, a mother brought her child to see a saint and asked him to tell her child to stop eating sugar. The saint told the mother and child to return in a week. When they did so, the saint said to the child, “Stop eating sugar.” The mother thanked him and asked why they had to come back before he would instruct. He said, “First I had to stop eating sugar myself.”
To effectively teach our children positive behavior, we must first set a good example for them to follow.
Show your love
Physical affection is essential for the psychological and physical well being of your child. It is well documented that infants die and children fail to thrive without enough physical touch. Lots of hugs, handholding and pats on the head are important non-verbal ways to express love. These gestures communicate how special and valuable your child is to you.
Ways to Be a Better Dad is written by Arcana-siddhi dasi
Very beautiful prayers to be recited on the upcoming appearance of Srimati Radharani!
Dear Padmavati Prabhu,
PAMHO. Thank you so much for this beautiful prayer:
mahabhava-svarupa tvam
krishna-priya-variyasi
prema-bhakti-prade devi
radhike tvam namamy aham
O Srimati Radharani, You are the exalted form of mahabhava, therefore You are the most dear to Krishna. O Goddess, You alone are able to bestow pure love for the Supreme Lord; therefore I offer my humble obeisances unto You.
It is a perfect prayer to offer when praying for the blessing of pure devotional service. My own prayers are pathetically inadequate. All glories to your service! All glories to Srila Prabhupada!
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